You can get your ex back without saying anything at all.
How can silence get you your ex back?
Here’s how it works.
How Silence Will Make Your Ex Come Back
Silence is a key part of the No Contact Strategy. Let’s talk about ignoring your ex and why this helps you get them back.
Before we dive into the psychology of ignoring your ex, and why it works, let me quickly explain what my No Contact strategy involves. Basically, if you want to get a second chance with your ex, then one of the first things you need to do is apply a period of No Contact–essentially, you want to ignore your ex for at least 30 days.
No Contact means exactly what it sounds like: no phone calls, no text messages, no late night booty calls, and so on. The sooner you can do this after breaking up, the better.
A lot of people are understandably skeptical about the effectiveness of this strategy, because at first it sounds somewhat counterintuitive — how can you get your ex back if you just completely ignore them?
1. It keeps you from screwing up.
Most people are very, very emotional after a breakup. In my 12 years as a breakup coach, I’ve seen hundreds if not thousands of clients blow their chance at getting back together simply because they did or said something dumb. Simply put, most people let their emotions get the best of them in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, and end up doing something stupid — like begging and pleading with their ex, lashing out in anger, being too clingy and needy, etc. Ignoring your ex is a simple and effective way to ensure that you don’t make that same mistake.
2. It gives you time to cool down and get some perspective.
Along similar lines to what I just talked about, another benefit to going silent after a breakup is that it gives you time to get a handle on your own emotions. After a month of ignoring your ex, you’ll be in a much better place psychologically, and a lot less likely to get angry or break down in tears when you actually do begin speaking to your ex again.
No Contact can also give you a better perspective on things — I’ve had a number of clients that, after 30 days of radio silence, have decided their ex isn’t actually worth pursuing and that they’d be better off moving on.
Essentially, to sum it up, No Contact puts you in a much better headspace where you can think more clearly and be less influenced by your emotions.
3. It makes the breakup as difficult as possible for your ex.
Alright, now we’re getting into the real psychology here. The No Contact strategy is designed specifically to “shock” your ex into learning what life is like when you’re suddenly completely gone from their life.
Imagine, for a minute, losing something that you’ve become accustomed to having in your life. Your cell phone is maybe the best example. We’ve all become used to having a smartphone in our pocket at all times, right?
Imagine I tell you that you need to hand over your phone to me for 1 hour today. After that, you can have it back. But tomorrow, I’m taking your phone away for two hours. The day after that, I take it for 3 hours, and so on. A few weeks from now, I finally take your phone away forever.
Now, compare that to another scenario, where I demand that you permanently give up your phone for good, starting right now. You hand over your phone, and that’s it. Forever. Gone.
Which of those two situations do you think is going to be more difficult and painful for you? Losing your phone forever, right now… or slowly losing your phone over a period of a few weeks, where each day you get to use it a bit less than the previous day?
Obviously, it’s going to be a lot easier to become accustomed to life without your phone if you have time to slowly learn to live without it.
Having something of value taken away from you all of a sudden, without warning or any time to get used to it, is going to be far more difficult and painful than if you can slowly wean yourself off of it.
The No Contact strategy is *exactly* the same. If you suddenly and completely disappear from your ex’s life, you’re making the breakup as painful and visceral as possible for your ex.
They don’t have time to slowly let go of you… by shutting down all communication with your ex after breaking up, they’re forced to suddenly face the reality of life without you around. That’s always going to be more difficult for your ex than if you continue talking regularly and slowly go your separate ways.
Now, does making a breakup as painful as possible for your ex sound… cruel? Harsh? Maybe.
But this is what your ex wanted when they decided to break up, isn’t it? So in essence, you’re giving your ex what they’ve asked for… only you’re forcing that reality upon them suddenly, making your absence as obvious and difficult as possible.
A lot of the time, that can cause your ex to change their mind about breaking up on its own. This may sound too good to be true, but trust me, the intense emotions that your ex will feel when you suddenly vanish from their life can often be enough to make them take you back all by itself.
Even if that doesn’t happen, silence by itself is a powerful tool that can make your ex desperate to have you back.
4. It makes your ex miss you.
As I just explained, if you want your ex to miss you like crazy, the single most effective way to make that happen is by simply disappearing from their life.
As the old saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you want your ex to miss you then silence is the best way to make that happen.
5. It gives your ex time to let go of negative memories, and focus on positive ones instead.
Some studies suggest that prove that humans are hard-wired to forget negative memories more quickly and easily than positive ones.
This means that, if you ignore your ex and leave them alone for a while, you’re helping them to let go of any negative thoughts or memories and force them to focus more on the positive, happier aspects of your time together.
You really can’t deny this, because it’s proven science, and I see it working in the real world every single day when working with my coaching clients.
6. It will make your ex wonder about what you’re doing and why you suddenly disappeared from their life.
A little bit of mystery and intrigue can be very helpful in causing your ex to have second thoughts about breaking up. And how do you create some curiosity and mystery? Well, by leaving your ex completely in the dark about how and what you’re doing.
In fact, any information you provide to your ex by talking with them is just going to do the opposite — if they know you’re sitting at home alone crying about the breakup, then there’s no mystery or wonder at all in your ex’s mind.
Instead, by just going silent, you leave their imagination to do the work for you… your ex will wonder why you’re not still trying to reach out all the time, and what that means.
They’ll wonder if you’ve suddenly replaced them with someone new, and they’ll likely be both taken aback by that possibility, and also very stressed out about it. Again, the key is to give them information about what you’re up to, and let their mind run wild with possible scenarios.
7. It will ensure you don’t become your ex’s backup plan.
In my 12 years or so as a breakup coach, I’ve realized that it is very, very common for your ex to mentally keep you as a “backup plan” or “plan b” option in case they decide they don’t like being single or can’t handle life without you around.
And it does make perfect sense, doesn’t it? If you’re going to break up with someone, you’re going to feel safer making that decision if you know you can always snap your fingers and get back together.
By going silent after breaking up for a month or so, you’re sending your ex clear but subtle message.
You’re basically saying to your ex: no, I won’t be your backup plan, and if you decide to follow through with breaking up, I’m moving on to bigger and better things.
This is going to plant the seeds of doubt in your ex’s mind, and make the breakup all that much more ‘scary’ feeling for them. It’s for this reason that I recommend you avoid being ‘friends’ with your ex after breaking up, which if a topic I’ve covered before in a past video here on YouTube.
8. It gives you time to become even more awesome.
I’ve said this in a number of my past videos on No Contact, but it needs to be reiterated again here: when I preach using the No Contact technique, it doesn’t just entail ignoring your ex and doing nothing else. You should also be using that time to better yourself — to become more confident, more attractive, and more successful.
So silence not only makes your ex miss you, keep you from screwing up, and so on… it also allows you to focus on improving yourself and become the best version of yourself.
I know this may sound cheesy at first, but think about how your ex will react when they learn about the interesting and exciting things you’ve been doing during your period of No Contact.
When you do see your ex again after the period of silence is over, you can not only show off your successes and your newfound confidence, you’ll also have lots of interesting things to say and to talk about with your ex.
9. There is no more effective strategy.
Yes, last but not least, there’s one final reason why No Contact is the best strategy to use if you want your ex back… and that is because there simply isn’t any more effective technique that you can employ at this point.
No matter what anyone else tells you, in 99% of all cases, there’s no magic sentence you can say to your ex to make them take you back. There’s no quick-fix strategy that will change their mind.
Using silence is almost always the best way to get a second chance and start over with your ex. It’s as simple as that.