If you seriously want to get your ex back, then you need to ask yourself the tough questions.
This process may be difficult, but it’ll give you crucial insight that will make getting your ex back SO MUCH easier.
So don’t move forward with your ex before you answer these questions or you just might ruin any chance you have.
Why is it important to answer these 7 questions we’ll cover shortly if you want to get your ex back?
Because planning is really important at this stage. It’s so tempting to just plow ahead, call your ex and tell them how you feel. Unfortunately this approach has a REALLY low success rate. You need to have at least a basic plan laid out. This will stop you from making mistakes, it will ease your mind and it will give you the best chance of success.
I would recommend that you write your answers down on paper, or on your phone. It’s much more effective if you get these thoughts out of your head. Trust me, it helps.
1. Why do I want my ex back?
Now, a lot of people will tell you that you want your ex back for the wrong reasons. While I think this is certainly possible, this is not what I’m saying. I’ve always believed in second chances. That’s the reason I do what I do. I’m sure you have very good reasons for wanting your ex back.
But you need to know these reasons explicitly. First off, because if your ex straight up asks you why you want them back, you can’t just say “because I love you and I need you.”
But not only that, you want to have these reasons on hand for your own peace of mind. Whenever you don’t know what your next move is, whenever you start to think “this is all a waste of time”, you just have to return to these reasons to strengthen your resolve.
So think carefully. Why is it that you want another chance with your ex? Do you feel like you two are a perfect match? Do you think you could build an amazing life together? Do they see you more deeply than anyone else?
The reasons will be simple but powerful and when you see them written down, they should feel just right.
Of course, there are a few bad reasons for wanting your ex back that will definitely make this process more difficult. For example, if you only want your ex back because you’re sad about the breakup. Or maybe you just want them back because your ego is hurt from being dumped…or you just want convenient sex. So think about your REAL reasons for wanting to get back with your ex.
2. How does my ex feel about me right now?
You’ll probably fail to get your ex back if you don’t consider their current emotional state, and more specifically, how they feel about you. Now, this isn’t to say that your ex hates your guts right now. While they might be angry, hurt and upset, chances are they don’t really HATE you despite what they may say.
The truth is that pretty much anyone will have complicated feelings towards their ex after breaking up. When they think of you, they’ll feel sadness, rage, and love all at once. These confusing feelings will certainly impact your journey to win them back.
If you’re not sure how your ex is feeling, think back to your most recent interactions with them. What did they say during the breakup? What have they said since? How do they act when you’re around?
Obviously if your ex is ignoring you entirely or told you never to contact them…. Well, then the process of getting them back is going to be challenging, but it’s definitely not necessarily game over. In fact, if your ex is angry at you, that might even be a good thing for your chances of getting them back… because the truth is that the worst thing your ex can feel towards you is nothing. If your ex is still upset and angry that means they still care… they’re still invested in this relationship, for better or for worse.
3. Why did we break up in the first place?
Breakups are so painful that many people want to pretend that they never happened at all. But since you’re trying to win your ex back, you’ll need to face the truth. This doesn’t mean that you should obsess over what went wrong–and by all means DO NOT bring this up to your ex–but do take a clear look at the breakup, face your role in it, and use this information to your advantage to get your ex back.
Now, there’s a difference between why your ex SAID they wanted to break up and the actual reasons that they broke up with you. For example, if they said they were too busy or that they just need time to think or wanted to be single, or anything like that, chances are they’re just sparing your feelings and trying to avoid more conflict.
In this case, you’re going to have to take a look at the relationship itself. Look at what you fought about and the things that seemed to be lacking. There are so many reasons that a relationship can end. And obviously if you cheated, lied, broke their trust or didn’t prioritize them in the relationship then the problem should be pretty clear.
RELATED: Should I Give Up On My Ex For Good?
So what can you do with this information? Well if you did something truly cruel to your ex then you’ll know that you need to apologize and treat them with more respect. If you lacked affection, then you can definitely be more affectionate towards your ex during the re-attraction process.
Some problems you won’t be able to fix until you’re back together, but keep them in the back of your mind for now so that you know what your ex prioritizes and the areas that you were lacking.
4. Why do I love my ex?
Breakups can cause a lot of pain. You and your ex probably said hurtful things to one another. I’m sure you love your ex but it’s probably buried under a lot of resentment and anger.
Before you try to get your ex back, you need to rediscover this love. So ask yourself what brought us together in the first place? When did I realize I loved them? What makes them special in my eyes?
Answering these questions won’t be easy. They’re pretty abstract and not always clear but you have the answers inside you. And these answers will help orient you and remind you of what’s important moving forward.
5. When did I last talk to my ex?
One of the most important things to keep in mind when reconnecting with your ex is frequency of contact. Basically, you don’t want to be talking to your ex all the time after the breakup. This can lead to misunderstandings. It can create resentment. It can even put you in the friend zone.
So while you may think that the more you talk to your ex, the closer you will be to getting them back, that’s actually incorrect. You need to shoot for minimal but meaningful and positive conversations with your ex. You want them to be excited to see your name pop up on their phone.
And beyond that, you need to stop talking to your ex for a serious chunk of time after breaking up. I recommend at least 30 days, as I’m sure you’re already aware. I know this may seem nearly impossible or sound downright foolish… many people worry their ex will forget about them during this time and move on.
The truth is that this period of separation is actually essential if you want a second chance with your ex.
The time apart from your ex during No Contact accomplishes a few things. First off, it gives you and your ex time to cool down. Emotions are running hot right now and that can lead to arguments and misunderstandings. You’re not going to be able to forget about the breakup just yet so this negative event will be hanging over your head in any interaction you might have with your ex, even if you never talk about it directly. Same goes for your ex, who will slowly start to forget about the bad parts of your relationship and the reasons they wanted to break up.
The 30 days apart also gives you a chance to work on yourself. Self improvement will help you regain the confidence you’ve lost and get a sense of forward momentum that you can use to rebuild things with your ex.
And finally, this time apart will make your ex miss you like crazy. This is the real secret: for your ex to want you back, they need to miss you… and for them to miss you, you need to be absent from their life. It’s that simple.
I’ve made many other videos on how to employ No Contact properly in the past, and I’ll link to a couple of the best ones in the description below, so watch those next if you’re about to engage in No Contact.
6. How am I going to do things different this time around?
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well if you go back into the same relationship you had with your ex, it’s all going to end the same way unless you make some changes.
Luckily, if you’ve done this exercise up to this point, you should have some idea of where things went wrong in the relationship so you should also know what you need to change this time around. Obviously since you’re not together right now, you won’t really be able to implement most of these changes but it’s good to be aware of them both for yourself and for your ex.
Because you know that they’re going to ask this question at some point down the line and you should have a well thought out answer.
But for now, just take note of how you want your relationship to be different. This will obviously depend on your specific relationship but I’d aim for better communication, treating the relationship as a priority, and maintaining that connection despite what else is going on in life.
7. How is my life different without them around?
A breakup can leave a huge hole in your life and in your heart. This isn’t easily mended but it is a great opportunity for reflection. When we’re with someone all the time, it can become difficult to really see them and what they bring to the relationship because it’s ever-present. It’s almost like they fade into the wallpaper. This is what we call “taking someone for granted.”
Now that they’re gone, it’s going to become clear exactly what it was they brought into your life. Warmth? Affection? Love? Of course, but dig deeper. Maybe you miss the way they sang in the shower, or the way that they squeezed you when they walked by.
These things are unique to your ex and they’re the small things that imprint on your memory. And, at the end of the day, they become the things that you miss the most.