Will using my 30 day No Contact technique always make your ex come back?
No, it doesn’t always work… but in the vast majority of situations, using No Contact–at least in some form or another–is going to maximize your chances of getting back together.
I’ll explain when the No Contact strategy does and does not work… and I’ll share with you a few key tips that will ensure you employ No Contact correctly and give yourself a great chance of winning back your ex.
Does No Contact Always Work?
Unfortunately, nothing is 100% effective, and anyone who tells you they have a guaranteed way to get your ex to come back is full of sh*t. Nothing works 100% of the time. Some breakups, no matter how hard you may try or how well you employ my techniques, are irreversible.
But the good news, however, is that this is actually fairly rare. In my 13+ years of experience as a breakup coach, helping tens of thousands of clients in your situation… I can confidently say that most breakups ARE reversible. If you play your cards right, if you take action quickly and avoid making any major mistakes that push your ex away… you’ve likely got a very good chance to get your ex to come back.
Now, as you may have already guessed, using some form of No Contact is typically a key part of any effective overall strategy to get a second chance with your ex. In fact, I’d say that it’s critical in at least 90% of all breakup situations.
So, if you’re in doubt about whether you should use No Contact, do it.
No Contact is almost never going to hurt your chances or make things worse — it’s almost always going to help your cause. I’ll talk about some situations where you may NOT want to use No Contact later in this article, but please remember that most of the time you SHOULD be shutting down communication with your ex as soon as possible after your breakup.
HOW And WHY Does No Contact Work?
As you probably already know, No Contact typically means exactly what it sounds like: ignoring your ex for a period of time after breaking up. It means not reaching out to your ex except in very specific circumstances. During No Contact, you’re basically just cutting your ex out of your life and giving them a “cold turkey” breakup experience.
No Contact works for several reasons, but I’ll save you the details and just give you a few of the key benefits:
#1 – No Contact lets you process the breakup and avoid making mistakes
Ignoring your ex for a while after the breakup gives you time to get a handle on your own emotions, and ensures you don’t say something to your ex that will further hurt your chances of getting them back.
#2 – No Contact ensures that your ex experiences the full consequences of the breakup.
It ensures that they have to suddenly learn to live without you — there’s no time for your ex to slowly adapt to the new reality. Instead of being there any time they want to talk to you or see you, you’re gone… they’re forced to feel how empty life can be when you’re suddenly not around any more. A lot of people underestimate the psychological impact this can have on people… it’s really hard to adjust when something is suddenly taken from you, and your ex will have to endure this kind of shock treatment if you employ No Contact soon after the breakup.
#3 – Ignoring your ex ensures that they feel as much pressure as possible to commit to a permanent breakup.
Instead of having you around as a “backup plan” or a shoulder to cry on, you just vanish from their life. That kind of sudden shock puts a lot of pressure on your ex to decide whether they really want to face life without you — and it ensures they understand that breaking up means losing you completely and permanently. \
This kind of ‘pressure’ is not cruel or harsh, really. It may feel that way, but when you employ No Contact after being dumped, you’re actually just giving your ex what they wanted when they decided to break up.
In a lot of cases, this sudden pressure to live without you can be enough on its own to force your ex to change their mind about breaking up.
Even if that doesn’t happen, it still ensures that your ex feels like they don’t have much time to reverse their decision, and that kind of pressure and urgency helps to elicit feelings of doubt and regret in their mind, improving your chances of eventually getting them to come back to you.
#4 – No Contact gives you time to focus on yourself and your own life.
Don’t be confused into thinking that ignoring your ex is all you need to do during a period of No Contact — you should be using the time apart from your ex to focus on yourself, re-building a busy social life, and getting ahead at work, in school, in your hobbies, and so on.
Be sure to use No Contact as a time to see friends and family, meet new people and pick up new hobbies or take on new projects… just live an interesting, productive life while you’re not talking to your ex and you’ll not only make yourself more attractive, but you’ll also create plenty of things to talk about when you do re-establish contact.
#5 – Employing a period of No Contact makes your ex miss you.
In fact, nothing you can do or say is going to make your ex miss you more than a period of No Contact. The only way to make someone miss you is to disappear from their life… and No Contact does exactly that.
And, if you watched my recent video on this topic, you’ll know that making your ex miss you is critical if you want them to take you back… so, No Contact will ensure your ex really feels the full impact of losing you, and in turn that will greatly increase your overall chance of getting them back.
#6 – It gives you time to think things over.
Sometimes, during a period of No Contact, you might realize that you’re actually happier without your ex… or at least it helps you to realize that you can move on and find someone new to replace your ex.
This certainly isn’t always the case — you may still be just as committed to getting back together when your period of No Contact ends as you were when you first broke up.
But in some cases, just spending time focusing on yourself and ignoring your ex can help you get some perspective on things, and maybe decide that this person isn’t right for you after all.
Toxic Myths About The No Contact Method
Before we get into talking about the specific situations where you should or should not use No Contact, I want to quickly do some “myth-busting”.
No Contact Myth #1: Your ex will forget about you or just move on if you ignore them.
This is something I see people worrying about all the time, and in 99% of situations, it’s simply not a realistic concern. In fact, by cutting yourself out of your ex’s life entirely, you’re actually forcing them to focus on you even more than if you stay in contact after the breakup.
Think about it this way: is your ex going to miss you or wish you were still around if you always answer any time they call or text you? Or are they going to think about you MORE when you’re suddenly not around anymore?
The simple fact is that, unless your relationship was very very brief and not at all serious — in other words, if you only went on a few dates and weren’t together more than a month or two — using No Contact will make your ex think about you and miss you MORE than if you stay in contact.
No Contact Myth #2: You need to tell your ex you’re engaging in No Contact.
You don’t typically need to let your ex know you plan to ignore them or employ a period of No Contact. Doing so is usually actually a bad idea, and can be risky if your ex takes offense. So, there’s no need to tell your ex before you start No Contact… just stop reaching out to them, and stop responding to anything but their most urgent or important messages.
No Contact Myth #3: All you need to do during No Contact is stop contacting your ex.
As I’ve already mentioned, you should be taking advantage of the No Contact period to focus on yourself and your own life… you should be as social as possible, work hard on your life goals, pick up new hobbies or make new friends, etc. Don’t just sit around for the No Contact period waiting for it to end — get out there and stay busy, have fun, and keep your mind off your ex. Do things that you can later tell your ex about, and use the time to get ahead in your own life.
No Contact Myth #4: You should never talk to your ex if you’re in a period of No Contact.
There are definitely times or situations where you can’t stick a strict No Contact policy — some certain situations may require you to reply to your ex or even see them briefly.
For example, if your ex is asking you about something serious and time-sensitive — such as asking if you paid a shared phone bill, asking you for important belongings back, etc — you might need to break No Contact to deal with the issue. Same goes for situations where your ex is messaging or calling you repeatedly and becoming increasingly annoyed at the lack of reply… you should usually reach out and defuse that kind of situation even if you’re still in the middle of No Contact, just to ensure your ex doesn’t get angry or think you’re trying to ignore them out of spite or to get revenge.
No Contact Myth #5: You should always employ exactly 30 days of No Contact.
I typically advocate for a 30-day period of No Contact because it’s the best amount of time for most breakups — it’s a good starting point that will work for most breakups and situations.
Sometimes, though, you may need to use No Contact for less or more than 30 days… this is usually the case if it’s been many months since your initial breakup, when you’ve already barely been speaking to them for some time, or when you did something that irritated or upset your ex so much that you need to give them even more time and space.
If you’re in a situation like this and want some more personalized advice on how long to employ No Contact or how to adapt it to your unique situation, please consider signing up for my coaching service.
No Contact Myth #6: Any communication with your ex during No Contact means you have to start over.
If you have an unavoidable encounter with your ex during No Contact, or you need to talk to them briefly about something important and urgent… that doesn’t usually mean you need to start the 30 day period from the beginning.
Unless you are really getting into multiple conversations or make a major mistake during No Contact, you can usually just continue with your 30 day period of radio silence without re-starting from the beginning. If in doubt, you can usually just add another 7 days to the period of No Contact rather than starting over.
When Is No Contact Unnecessary or Unwise?
Now, as I’ve already clearly explained, using No Contact is necessary in the vast majority of breakups. If you’re dead set on getting back together, and you’re not in a particularly unusual or unordinary situation, it’s going to be a necessary component of your overall strategy.
But there are some cases where you can skip No Contact entirely, or at least adapt it to suit your needs. I’ll briefly cover a few of the most common ones in a second, but I’ve also made a full video on this topic.
Situation #1: It’s been a long time since your breakup.
If you’ve been broken up for 4-6 months or more, and you haven’t been in regular contact with your ex during that time, you may be able to skip No Contact or shorten the duration. Basically, as time goes on, you have less time to act and start changing your ex’s mind about breaking up.
So if you HAVE been apart for months already, and you haven’t been talking to your ex very regularly for some time, you can shorten or eliminate No Contact. If it’s been several months but you still speak to your ex daily or see them frequently, then you will still likely need to employ some form of No Contact, but it might only need to be 2-3 weeks rather than a full 30 days.
Situation #2: You still live with your ex.
This is a challenging situation that’s actually fairly common: you broke up, but you still live together and can’t realistically employ a traditional period of No Contact. In this kind of situation, where some regular interactions with your ex are inevitable or unavoidable, I typically recommend using what I call “Limited No Contact” instead of completely ignoring your ex.
For this type of situation, you should limit contact with your ex as much as possible without making it obvious to your ex.
If you run into them in the kitchen when you’re eating breakfast, or you cross paths from time to time in the hallway, etc… don’t be rude and ignore them, or try to adjust your schedule to ensure you never run into one another. Just go about your business, and when contact is unavoidable, act upbeat and friendly and crack a joke or say hello and then move on.
You don’t want to make it look like you’re acting weird or intentionally trying hard to avoid them, you just want to keep any contact to the minimum possible while ensuring any encounters are friendly and positive. Avoid letting your ex drag you into any drama, serious talks, or talking you into doing something together.
Situation #3: Your ex becomes angry or offended when you ignore them.
Some people — and this isn’t particularly common in my experience, but it does happen — tend to be offended or angered by No Contact. Obviously, this is more common when your ex reaches out to you regularly… they keep calling or texting you, asking you to hang out, etc… and you ignore them. This can quickly lead to them becoming upset or thinking you’re doing it to get revenge… and that’s a situation that usually requires you to break No Contact to defuse the situation.
Typically, you can just respond to one of their messages by saying something like, “Sorry, not trying to ignore you or be rude.. I’ve just been super busy lately, and working on moving on. Let’s catch up sometime.”
After responding with something along those lines to defuse the tensions, you can continue with your period of No Contact. You don’t things to feel personal for your ex — you want them to know that this is just your way of getting over them and moving on, and not a way to exact revenge or upset them. Use your instincts and gauge your ex’s behaviour to decide if and when it’s necessary to break No Contact to defuse tensions or avoid being rude. Similarly, use your own judgement to decide whether a message or call from your ex is important or serious enough to demand a reply.
Situation #4: Your ex says they want to get back together, or it’s very obvious from their messages and behaviour that they’re ready to start over.
In rare cases, your ex may make it extremely clear that they are regretting the breakup and interested in asking you for another chance. When this becomes VERY apparent, and there’s little doubt that they’re ready to get back together, then you can break No Contact to set up an in-person meeting and close the deal.
Don’t be overly eager if this does happen, and don’t throw No Contact out the window entirely — but you also don’t want to turn down an obvious opportunity to make things official if your ex is clearly interested.
Basically, if you are 99% sure that your ex wants you back, you can usually break No Contact to ensure that you take advantage of that. This is ONLY the case when your ex says so outright, or makes it extremely obvious that they’re ready to get back together… if your ex is just sending some positive signs and you’re feeling optimistic, stick to No Contact.