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Should I Flirt with My Ex If I Want Them Back?

If you’re looking to get back with your ex, you must wonder if flirting with them is a good idea or a huge mistake.

Well the truth is that flirting with your ex should definitely be a part of your strategy but you need to pay attention to WHEN and HOW you flirt with them if you’re going to have success.

Here are the rules you need to follow when flirting with your ex

1. Keep your intention in mind.

Flirting with your ex isn’t as simple as you’d like it to be. As with any interaction with your ex, it’s tricky because of your baggage and your past together. And if you want them back then it’s even more complicated.

So only flirt with your ex if you know your intention…your goal. Your goal shouldn’t be to make yourself feel better about the breakup, or to get validation from your ex. Flirting needs to be part of a larger strategy to rebuild the connection you once had.

This doesn’t have to be something that you’re constantly focusing on but if you feel like you’re losing the thread or you don’t know what to say next, return to your intention to guide you. Maybe that will mean dropping in an inside joke or reference. Maybe it will mean pulling back and taking a break to build anticipation.

2. Keep it light and fun.

In almost any interaction with an ex, you need to avoid being too serious and coming across as clingy… This goes double for flirting.

Remember that you’re trying to build a new, fun relationship with your ex. Now is not the time to get into heavy topics like the breakup, your feelings, or whether or not they’re seeing someone.

RELATED: Why Your Ex Takes So Long To Text You Back

Try to treat them the way you would someone you just met: be funny, interesting, and a little aloof. The good news is that you have an advantage over a stranger because you can leverage all the knowledge you have about them like what they like and what turns them on.

3. Don’t let them use you.

It feels great to flirt with your ex but you also need to be aware of THEIR intentions. What I mean is that your ex may flirt with you just for validation, not to show real interest. I’ve seen it happen again and again.

So just be aware. If they’re establishing a pattern where they just hit you up late at night, send a few suggestive messages and then disappear for weeks after they’ve gotten what they wanted, then you’ll know this is the case.

In this scenario, I’d advise you to keep your ex at arm’s length to avoid being manipulated or treated as a backup plan. Don’t be afraid to leave them on read or change the subject if they’re clearly just fishing for compliments.

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4. Build mutual attraction.

Flirting is the process of revealing and cultivating attraction between you and another person. So don’t just go right into the sexy stuff and try to get them into bed.

Take it slow and build attraction between the two of you. This means if he or she is saying nice things about you, then say nice things back. And if things are starting to feel one sided then pull back and have a normal conversation.

You can’t force flirting… you can only coax it along and hope that the other person responds to it positively.

5. Get out of your head.

I know I’ve talked all about analyzing your ex’s thoughts and emotions but, at the end of the day, you need to put all that aside and try to live in the moment with your ex. Flirting can feel forced if the other person can tell that you’re super invested in it.

RELATED: Can No Contact Push Your Ex Further Away?

So remember that this is just one interaction out of thousands you’ve had with this person, and while it may feel like the end of the world if it doesn’t go perfectly, the truth is that they know you, they care about you and they’re not going to suddenly hate your guts if you say something embarrassing while trying to flirt with them.

6. Don’t flirt too much.

Flirting works best in moderation. I think we all know people that we were excited to flirt with at first but we quickly realized that that was their entire personality and now when they say something a little naughty it doesn’t have the same impact.

That’s why you should be sparing when it comes to flirting. Don’t let flirting be your ONLY move. Tell jokes, be silly, be serious when you need to, and don’t be afraid to have a real conversation here and there.

7. You shouldn’t flirt with your ex too early.

I advocate for the No Contact Method. This means don’t contact your ex for thirty days following the breakup. It’s a difficult step to take but it’s going to be necessary, especially if you plan to use flirting as part of your strategy.

This is because No Contact allows your ex time and space to process the breakup. If your ex never has a chance to process the breakup then they’re going to be very confused if you start flirting with them like nothing happened.

And No Contact will also make them miss you like crazy which creates sexual tension which naturally fuels flirting.

Now let’s quickly review:

  • keep your intention in mind
  • keep it light and fun
  • don’t let them use you
  • build mutual attraction
  • get out of your head
  • don’t overdo it
  • wait until you’ve completed a period of No Contact

If you can follow these simple rules you’ll find that flirting with your ex can be a great step to winning them back.