Is The No Contact Method a bad idea?
Will it help your ex forget about you and move on for good?
Should you, instead, stay in touch with your ex if you want them back?
Hello, I’m Brad Browning AKA Breakup Brad… and for over 13 years now, I’ve been a breakup coach. I’ve helped over 140,000 clients get a second chance with their ex or find happiness again after a breakup. As you probably know, my channel has been the most popular place on YouTube to find trusted breakup advice for many years.
And one of the strategies I’ve advocated since day 1 is No Contact… I’ve been a proponent of using No Contact to get back your ex for over a decade and seen it work for thousands and thousands of my clients and subscribers.
But maybe you’ve heard or seen videos or articles online that claim to “bust” the No Contact method or reveal the “truth” about No Contact. It’s not hard to find people claiming to know the “real truth” about No Contact, and often they’ll even mention me by name.
These articles and videos are usually intended to create controversy and generate exposure for some aspiring YouTuber by latching on to my name and claiming to know why my strategies–especially No Contact–don’t actually work.
Now, I don’t really mind criticism or debate, and I actually genuinely do continue to try and learn and adapt what I teach based on new science, real-world experience working with my coaching clients, and so on… so, I welcome disagreements and don’t claim to know everything.
However, there’s one thing that does bug me, and that’s when people claim that the No Contact strategy is actually a bad idea that will push your ex further away or decrease your odds of getting them back. That’s why I wanted address some of the more common criticisms people make about No Contact, and explain why they’re misguided or downright wrong.
Claim #1: “Your ex will forget about you if you employ a period of No Contact”
I often see people suggest that No Contact is dangerous because your ex might forget about you during the 30 days or so where you’re not communicating with them. And I actually understand this fear, because it makes perfect sense at first glance.
If you don’t talk to your ex, they might forget about you or lose interest in you, right? Aren’t you just giving them a chance to get over you if you ignore them for a month after breaking up?
Firstly, this argument doesn’t stand up to my real-world experience. I’ve worked with tens of thousands of clients, most of whom use No Contact the way I describe… and I almost NEVER come across a client or a situation where 30 days of radio silence leads to their ex forgetting about them or moving on.
When it comes to more serious relationships where you were together with this ex for a year or more, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this play out with one of my clients… ever. Even though it makes sense logically that ignoring your ex might allow them to forget about you, that’s not how it works in practice.
In fact, ignoring your ex, especially if you engage in No Contact soon after the breakup… actually makes your ex think about you MORE than they would if they’re talking to you or seeing you regularly. “Absense makes the heart grow fonder,” as the old saying goes, and it’s actually true. By suddenly disappearing from your ex’s life for a month, you force them to focus on your sudden absence.
They wonder what you’re up to, why you aren’t reaching out…. And they miss you. They can’t help but think about you all the time, because you went from being a huge part of their daily life to being completely gone. If I suddenly took away your pet cat, or your cell phone, or your car… things you took for granted and used every day… you would immediately miss them and think about how they’re suddenly gone.
So no, you don’t need to worry about your ex forgetting about you during your period of No Contact. This kind of thinking is backwards, because No Contact is intended to do the opposite: force your ex to focus on your absence and wish you were still around. That makes them want you back, and adds a sense of urgency to the situation for your ex… along with forcing them to feel the full consequences of breaking up, without any chance to “wean themselves off you” so to speak.
If you’re wondering what your chances are of ever getting your ex back… perhaps you’ve already employed No Contact or you’re considering it now… whatever the situation, you can take my free quiz and calculate your odds of getting back together. Just answer a handful of questions and you’ll see a score out of 100 along with a detailed results report outlining where you currently stand with your ex and how likely it is you’ll be able to win them back.
Claim #2: “The period of No Contact is time wasted where you could have been actively working to re-attract your ex”
The theory here is that by not talking to your ex for a month or so, you’re wasting that time where you could have been doing or saying things that would make your ex want you back. Essentially, that ignoring your ex is just time you’ve thrown out the window when you could’ve been using it productively to help get your ex to come back.
This is dead wrong for several reasons. First, as we already discussed, No Contact taps into human psychology by “shocking” your ex into learning what life is like without you. When your ex suddenly loses you entirely, cold turkey, they are forced to experience the worst of the post-breakup emotions and heartache.
They’re forced to experience the consequences of breaking up and what it will mean for their daily life. They’re also forced to learn and appreciate all the little things you brought to their life and did for them when you were together.
Secondly, No Contact helps your ex forget about negative memories and let go of their logical “reasons” for breaking up. It’s been proven many times by countless research studies that humans are biologically hard-wired to forget about negative things and memories much more quickly than positive ones, and simply not showing your ex your flaws or the things that led to them wanting to break up will ensure that they let go of those memories and thoughts as quickly as possible. Science shows that this often peaks roughly 30 days after a breakup.
Third, you’re not in a good emotional state after the breakup, especially initially. You’re prone to emotional outbreaks, depression, lashing out in anger or revenge, and making mistakes you’ll regret later.
RELATED: Why Your Ex LIED About Your Breakup
By avoiding contact with your ex for a while, you allow yourself time to control those emotions and get into a better headspace where you’ll be much less likely to make mistakes or succumb to emotions and do something that will push your ex further away.
And finally, there really isn’t anything you could do during that time that will be more effective than No Contact. It’s the best way to make your ex miss you, appreciate what you brought to their life, and forget about the reasons they decided to break up. There’s no strategy I’ve found or seen my clients use that works as consistently and as well as No Contact.
Claim #3: “No Contact isn’t a magic quick fix to get your ex back”
OK, well, this is actually just something that people seem to misunderstand about No Contact. I’ve never claimed it is a magic quick-fix that will suddenly solve all of your problems and cause your ex to immediately run back to you begging for another chance. Now, it CAN be that simple and work that well… in fact, I see it often with my coaching clients, so sometimes just a few days of No Contact is all it takes to get your ex to change their mind and beg you to take them back.
But that’s absolutely not what I would tell you to expect when you employ No Contact on your ex. It’s not intended to, by itself, be the solution to your breakup and the only thing you need to do to get a second chance with your ex.
That’s why my best-selling Ex Factor guide to getting your ex back is broken down into three phrases–my 3R system–and why only one module of the program is focused on No Contact.
It’s a key component to a successful strategy to win back an ex, but not intended to be the magic cure on its own. So, just because you employ No Contact and your ex hasn’t come back by day 30 doesn’t mean it didn’t work… its not a quick fix, and I’ve never claimed that it is.
Claim #4: “No Contact just makes your post-breakup heartache even worse” or “No Contact makes it harder to get over your ex if they don’t take you back”.
This is something I see less often than the other 3 things I’ve already covered, but I have seen people claim this kind of thing from time to time, especially lately.
Now, to be honest, in some cases employing No Contact can temporarily make you feel even more lonely and heartbroken than if you continue to talk to and see your ex regularly after the breakup. But the thing is… by keeping in contact with your ex, you’re not actually preventing yourself from feeling the post-breakup emotions and heartache… you’re just delaying it and dragging it on even longer than if you employ a period of No Contact.
What about the idea that No Contact makes it harder to get over your ex if things don’t work out and you don’t end up getting them back? I think you can probably figure this one out on your own, but to put it bluntly, this is just completely false.
In fact, it’s completely backwards. No Contact actually has a secondary benefit of preparing you for life without your ex if for some reason you don’t end up getting them back.
Hopefully, this won’t matter for most of you, because you’ll end up succeeding and getting a second chance with your ex… but in some cases, that’s just not possible for one reason or another, and in those situations employing No Contact will actually better prepare you for moving on and accepting a future without your ex. In fact, I advocate No Contact for my clients who are done with their ex and simply focused on moving on as quickly as possible.
Now, that’s 4 common criticisms people make about the No Contact strategy… I hope I’ve explained why all 4 of them are misguided or downright false. The moral of the story is to always beware of anyone claiming No Contact is a bad idea, or trying to sell you an alternative strategy that they claim is more effective than No Contact.
In almost 14 years as a breakup coach, with over a hundred thousand success stories under my belt at this point, I’ve never found a technique that works more consistently or more effectively than No Contact for 99.9% of breakups… if you’re hoping to get back together with your ex, as quickly as possible, please use No Contact the way I describe in my Ex Factor program.