If you’ve ever broken up with someone or have been broken up with, you understand the emotional turmoil that comes with it. It has a tendency to be pretty unpleasant. And in that unpleasantness, our first reactions are usually ones of sadness or anger. But these emotions are pretty fatal if you have any hope of getting back together with your ex.
That is why you have come to me! As a breakup coach, with over a decade of experience, I am the perfect person to help you get your ex back. But first, we must understand some of the mistakes that will definitely ruin your chances of getting your ex back.
There are many things that can ruin your chances of getting your ex back, but in this article, I’ve isolated what my experience, as a coach, has taught me to be the most common and detrimental factors. They are smothering, being emotionally manipulative, being someone’s doormat, being unwilling to change, drinking to numb the pain, and stalking.
Don’t Smother Your Ex
I understand that breakups are extremely tough emotionally and mentally, but smothering your ex will get you nowhere. If you’re familiar with my body of work, then you will know that I advocate for the no contact period immediately after a breakup. It’s as simple as it sounds. Do not contact your ex for a period of thirty days after your break up.
This period allows your ex the time to miss you; however, if you smother them, you do the opposite. When you bombard someone with text messages, phone calls, emails, messages in a bottle, you don’t give them the space to miss you. You actually do the opposite and drive them even further away. This is one of the most common mistakes people make when they are trying to get back together with their ex. It’s easier said than done.
Have you ever gotten an obnoxious number of phone calls all at once from a certain family member? Even though you know they just care about you and are just checking in? Do you find yourself annoyed at their persistence to contact you? If you do, and you are doing this to your ex, you are giving them reason to ignore you.
Not giving someone the space to begin to miss you is one of the surefire ways to solidify you and your ex NOT getting back together. So when someone breaks up and asks for space, give it to them.
Don’t be an Emotional Manipulator
This next mistake not to make when trying to win your ex back follows my previous one, that is, not to be emotionally manipulative. Being emotionally manipulative includes begging and crying in hopes of getting your ex’s attention. Being emotionally manipulative has never been a successful way to get back together with someone. It causes resentment over anything else; it does not make love flourish.
What being emotionally manipulative does is it makes people resentful, and it starts off your efforts to reunite on the wrong foot. If you put yourself in the victim role, then that is the role you will play in the relationship. And those relationships have proven to fail over time. And fail miserably.
Don’t Be Your Ex’s Doormat
And, thirdly, if you really want to ruin your shot at getting back together with your ex, being someone’s doormat is the way to go. In all seriousness, being a doormat means that you let your ex walk all over you and treat you horribly just because you will literally put up with anything in hopes that you will get back together.
This is not only a terrible role for your own mental health and self-esteem, but it is not the way to go about getting your ex to take you back. This shows a lack of self-respect to allow someone to treat you like crap.
Being a doormat also sets a poor foundation for any future relationship together because you will constantly be making excuses for their poor behavior and treatment of you. Because you’ve placed yourself in the victim role, this is the role you will play throughout the course of the relationship.
Letting your ex walk all over you just in hopes that they take you back will not only destroy your self-esteem, but also it will eventually make you resent your partner. In my experience, these relationships have proven to be some of the unhealthiest ones, and they end in heart break.
Don’t Remain the Same
Alright, the fourth mistake you can make is not to change anything about yourself after your relationship ended. No one is perfect. And if you can accept this, then you can understand that after a break up, if you have done absolutely nothing different in your life by means of self-improvement, then you are not on the path to getting your ex back. No, in fact, you are giving them reason to distance themselves from you.
Perhaps you think you weren’t the reason why you broke up, but something about you made your ex break up with you. So don’t be afraid or resistant to a little self-improvement. Try a little positivity because doing nothing will not make your ex miss you.
Besides not changing anything about yourself after your break up, the next worst thing you could do is get drunk. Drinking to excess, after a break up, is like a Band-Aid. It’s the type of Band-Aid that you never take off and even shower with, which just makes it so your wound takes longer to heal. That is what drinking to mend a broken heart is. It is a temporary fix, but it’s not a lasting one.
Don’t Drink to Numb the Pain or to Forget
I know, culturally, in North America, binge drinking is considered a sound way to mend a broken heart, but I strongly caution you against it. Drinking is one of the main causes of people breaking the no contact rule, which leads them to a continued single life and not mending things with their ex.
When you’re upset and you get drunk, you don’t have your wits about you, and all the hard work you’ve put in to getting your ex back will all be a waste. Now, this rule isn’t for everyone, but if you know yourself to be more of an emotional drinker, then this rule applies to you.
When we drink, we neglect our common sense and our reasoning. We let our emotions lead us and not our minds. Therefore, if you are drunk and your drunk self decides it’s a good idea to incessantly text or call your ex, then that will be a lot harder to come back from than just no contact. Being the one to contact them in a state of weakness leaves you apologizing and them having the upper hand because they didn’t cave under the pressure of the break up, essentially.
A drunk you is not a relationship expert; a drunk you is upset and upsetting. And worst case scenario, if you stalk your ex, either physically or on social media or via the telephone, drunk, this is a deterrent to your ex, a deterrent that will make them want distance from you.
So, in conclusion, if you learn better from mistakes, learn from these. Remember that you want your ex to miss you. But if you smother them, try to manipulate them emotionally, let them walk all over you, remain the same, and drink to get over them, you are doing more damage than good. So don’t make these five mistakes that many of my clients have made. Getting your ex back will be a lot easier if you don’t have to apologize for all of this in the process.