If you want your ex back, you may think talking it out with them is the way to go.
After all, it’s how you two connected in the beginning.
The problem with this approach is that it simply doesn’t work.
The truth is that you can do much more to get your ex back WITHOUT talking to them than you can by having a deep conversation and airing grievances.
The reason for this is simple: you’ve already had these conversations. If you broke up then chances are you had more than one conversation about the issues in the relationship. That conversation didn’t, ultimately, save the relationship….so why should it now that you’re apart?
It’s only going to remind your ex of the issues that led to your breakup and further cement the idea that you shouldn’t be together.
You almost certainly didn’t break up because of an argument or because you two disagreed about something. These issues—when it comes to a romantic relationship—are almost always just SYMPTOMS of the greater problem…the REAL reason you broke up.
And that real reason is a LACK OF CONNECTION. Yes, almost any issue that crops up in a relationship can be solved if the connection you have is strong enough.
And truthfully, if you can maintain that connection then most of the common issues won’t become problems in the first place.
The reason that many people jump to talking to their ex is because they want to address the problem logically. As I said, with most problems, this approach makes sense. You want to take the problem head on and be direct.
But this kind of approach doesn’t work very well when it comes up against emotions, and—specifically—love.
First off, while you could perhaps sort out some of the issues you and your ex had around the breakup and straighten up a misunderstanding, this is rarely enough to inspire this person to want to reconnect with you after a breakup.
This is because love is not about logic and facts. It’s all about the emotions you and the other person feel. You can make a strong argument that the two of you should be together.
You can show your ex that they need you in their life and that they won’t be happy with anyone else.
You can show them that they were wrong to end the relationship.
But at the end of the day, that means nothing when it comes to the human heart. If they no longer feel that drive to be with you, nothing you can say will change that.
Think about it: imagine that someone from your past contacts you and convinces you to sit down for a talk…someone you have no ill will towards, but you just aren’t attracted to any more…time has passed and you’re too different.
They say that they can make you happy…that you two can have a wonderful life together. They’ve won the lottery and can provide for you. They have a wonderful house you can live in together. Would this work on you?
Of course not. You don’t want to be with someone you’re not attracted to, no matter how convincing their argument may be. It’s not going to make a difference to you at all because this is not a logical issue…it’s an EMOTIONAL one.
So does that mean it’s hopeless? No, there is almost always still a way to get your ex back after a breakup WITHOUT begging, arguing or manipulation. And it starts with you, alone.
Before you even think about contacting your ex, you need to work on yourself first. Do this for your ex, for the relationship, but above all, do it for yourself.
Now I can’t tell you what this is going to look like. There are so many ways that you can work on improving your life. Just look at areas in your life that you—or the people around you—feel are lacking.
Maybe you’ve stopped caring about your appearance. Maybe you haven’t been as healthy as you’d like. Maybe your living situation isn’t ideal. Or maybe you’d like to excel more at work or school.
The possibilities here are endless but don’t get overwhelmed. I want you to commit yourself to this process for at least one month. Decide on a goal that you think you can achieve during this time that is going to help you improve one of the areas in your life that you feel are lacking.
You want this goal to be tangible…something with a clear positive outcome that you think is achievable in this time. So just “get healthy” won’t work but something like “run a 10k” would.
And before you commit to this goal, figure out the steps you’ll need to take to make it happen. Go into as much detail as possible here and write it out one step at a time. Maybe it starts with picking up some running shoes and a water bottle and ends with running the race.
You want to know EXACTLY what you’re doing each day to reach this goal so that the guesswork is taken out of the process.
Now, during this time, resist the urge to reach out to your ex for any reason. This is going to be difficult. This process is going to give you a lot of confidence and you’re going to want to take this energy into a conversation with your ex…to make them see you in a new light.
Resist this urge whenever it comes and put that energy into achieving your goal.
Contact with your ex during this time will be counterproductive. It’s just going to distract you from your goal and, effectively, push you further apart. Remember, talking to your ex is not going to help you in the long run.
Instead, push forward with your plan and reach towards your goal. This kind of achievement is infectious and can easily bleed into other areas of your life.
So you might find that before you’ve reached your goal you’re starting to make more and more positive changes in your life. This is great, just don’t be distracted from the original plan.
Once you’ve achieved your goal, then you can start thinking about reconnecting with your ex. This will mean reaching out to him or her via text message.
Now resist the urge to bring up the past or try to get them to agree to get back together or anything like that. In fact, don’t push for an in person meeting right away.
Just remind them you exist and that you’re a positive presence in their life. From there, start talking more and more if possible. In time, you will naturally start to spend time together.
Again, big long conversations aren’t the goal here. You will rebuild the connection through flirting and spending time together. While that’s obviously going to involve some talking, it doesn’t mean you’re going to have one BIG, all encompassing conversation that will get you on the path to reconciliation.
Remember, conversations like this are counterproductive because they put your ex back in the headspace they were in before you broke up. They also remind them of all the baggage you two have.
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Obviously you have to have a conversation at some point but that will NEVER be the deciding factor in whether or not you will restart the relationship.
It’s all about that EMOTIONAL connection that you built in the first place. Without that, a relationship is impossible. So focus on making the other person happy whenever you can.
Since you’ve already been together, you know what they like and how to provide it for them.
That brings us to the end of the video. It’s a short one today but I hope you now understand why talking to your ex won’t help you get them back. You can’t fix an emotional problem with words alone.
It takes a dramatic shift inside YOU to regain confidence and attract your ex back. From there, it’s all about flirting with them and rebuilding the connection you once had.