This post is for people whose husband or wife announced that they’re no longer happy in their marriage. You may have heard painful things like, “I’m just not happy anymore”, “I don’t love you”, or “I’m leaving you.” Or, maybe they’ve already left you.
Whatever the case, you’re probably wondering what to do to stop the degradation of your marriage and begin to re-build a new, healthier marriage that will stand the test of time. That’s what this post will share with you.
I’d like to begin by telling you that there IS light at the end of this long tunnel. With the proper guidance, help, and attitude, it is possible to turn your marriage around despite how adamant your spouse may be on divorce. I know this because I’ve seen thousands of so called “hopeless” couples turn it around – and I know exactly how they did it.
With that being said, rebuilding a broken marriage is a rocky road. Sometimes, things can get a little worse before they get better, and it takes a lot of devotion on your part to make things better. However, I promise you that if you follow my advice very closely, you’ll have the best chance possible of rebuilding that marriage you and your spouse deserve.
With the proper guidance, help, and attitude, it is possible to turn your marriage around despite how adamant your spouse may be on divorce.
But before I get into the details about how you can begin rescuing your marriage, I first need to tell you about what NOT to do. The vast majority of married couples that I coach commit almost all of these very damaging mistakes. And I know that some of you might be in a situation where your spouse isn’t willing to work on the marriage, but in a minute, I’ll tell you why that’s okay, and why it’s even more important for you to learn these common mistakes before you go down the road of rebuilding a newer, happier marriage.
Some of this stuff you may already know, but it’s important to remember these mistakes before you cause any further damage to your marriage – and these are tips that will have an immediate impact on your relationship.
I like to call these mistakes my “Big Marital Mistakes”…
The “Big Marital Mistakes” Ruining Your Marriage
Big Marital Mistake #1 – Initiating needless conflict with your spouse. When you’re trying to fix a broken marriage and you’re feeling desperate, chances are things can spiral out of control very easily… (and I think you know what I’m talking about). You think that if you could just talk to your spouse about all your problems and find common ground, your marriage will magically fix itself and get better. But usually, this isn’t the case.
While communicating with your spouse is important in rebuilding a marriage, what your marriage does NOT need right now is another argument or fight. Even if your partner says something antagonizing or wants to bring up a touchy sticky issue at the moment, do your best to avoid conflict politely. Don’t ignore your spouse or discount any of their concerns, but you need to ensure that the discussion doesn’t end up in a screaming match. You can say something along the lines of, “I know this is a real concern right now and I want to resolve this issue, but can we discuss this later?”
Try and be as non-confrontational as possible – at least for now – until you learn how you can manage how to handle your arguments later. I’ll get to what I call my “Dispute Defusing System” later in this post.
Big Marital Mistake #2 – begging and pleading, or being highly emotional. Especially in public. I know that when emotions are running rampant, people tend to say or do things that they’ll inevitably regret. I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. At certain times, your spouse may say or do things that will make you feel angry, upset, or saddened, you must do your very best to control your emotions.
Showing these negative emotions will only make matters worse – and unfortunately, doing so will only help you sign those divorce papers even sooner. So for now, it’s extremely important to try and remain calm and live to fight another day.
Big Marital Mistake #3 – Making drastic changes to your life or habits. When your marriage is in a rut, it can affect your life immensely. Your work or school suddenly takes the back seat, and in some cases, so does your health and nutrition. But for the time being, you must retain a sense of normalcy whenever possible. If you begin floundering in life, then I can guarantee you that your marriage will begin floundering even more. After all, nobody wants a spouse who’s always depressed, angry, or in ruins.
Show how confident, strong, and bold you are by showing the world that nothing can faze you. By doing so, you’ll not only appear much more attractive to your spouse, but you’ll also ensure that you don’t damage yourself any further.
Big Marital Mistake #4 – Nagging at your spouse. This is similar to mistake #1. You’ll want to avoid any sort of confrontation whenever possible. It’s normal to be annoyed at your spouse every once in awhile – but when your marriage is in trouble, small confrontations can easily lead to larger ones, and the last thing you need at this point is another pointless argument about nothing.
The next time your spouse does something that annoys you, hold it in. This is the time when you can start fixing your marriage on your own. In the free video presentation on my website, I’ll teach you how you can change your spouse’s behavior without nagging at him or her.
Big Marital Mistake #5 – Being negative all the time. I know it might sound like a bunch of BS, but having a positive attitude can make a world of difference – not only in your marriage, but in life in general. It’s been scientifically proven that positive thinking can reduce stress, lower depression, and better equip you to cope with hardships.
Not only this, but thinking positively actually makes you more of an attractive person to be around – and this has also been scientifically proven. In times of great distress, like being in a rocky marriage for example, people tend to get pessimistic. After all, when the love of your life starts saying hurtful things to you, it’s easy for you to take all that misplaced anger quite literally. But instead of internalizing all of this into negativity, force yourself to look at things differently.
Remember, every single marriage goes through ups and downs – but the strong couples always seem to have an extremely positive attitude when handling arguments and conflict.
Now that we have an outline on what NOT to do in your marriage, we can begin talking about some of the things you can do to fix your marriage.
Steps To Save Your Marriage From Divorce
Although the list of marital problems is seemingly endless, there are several core issues that all marriages face. For example, at some point in time, both spouses will disagree on an issue and a discussion will take place. These serious discussions can sometimes escalate into full-blown wars.
I call these types of arguments “MMA’s” (no, this doesn’t stand for Mixed Martial Arts, but sometimes these types of arguments can look like an Anderson Silva bout)… what MMA actually stands for here is “Marriage Murdering Arguments.” MMA’s are what rip marriages apart… and to be honest, MMA’s aren’t always preventable, so it’s important to learn how you can handle a serious argument as well as learn how to prevent them.
This is where my patented “Dispute Defusing System” comes in… But before I get into explaining it, I first have to say that arguments are completely normal and healthy in a relationship. You’re never going to completely eliminate disagreements. In fact, the occasional argument here and there can actually be quite productive, and depending on how you handle the argument, it can tie you and your spouse closer together!
Dispute Defusing Tactic #1 – Let go of the desire to always be “right”. I know, I know… you are ALWAYS right. I get it! Some people have such a strong desire to always be right, but in a marriage, no one person is always right. And letting go of this constant desire to always be right is the first step in my Dispute Defusing System.
See, when you and your spouse are in a Marriage Murdering Argument, there are no winners. You both lose because neither of you are getting your way and feelings are getting hurt in the process. Even if you think you’ve won the fight, the satisfaction is fleeting, and knowing that you hurt your partner just makes the argument feel pointless.
Learning how to let go of the desire to “be right” is going to be a real test for some of you – but here’s a quick little exercise for you. The next time you’re about to get into a big argument with somebody (it doesn’t have to be your spouse), try and bite your tongue. Try and willingly admit that the other person is right even though you don’t feel that way. I promise you that if learn to just let go of the desire to always be right, you’ll reduce your “MMA frequency” and you’ll be well on your way to improving your relationship with your spouse.
Dispute Defusing Tactic #2 – Learn to take breaks from arguments. When a huge argument is simply unavoidable, you need to learn how to control its temperament so they don’t turn into full-blown MMA’s. One of the best ways to do this is to take frequent breaks during an argument. You can do this by telling your spouse that during the argument that you’d like to take a moment to cool down before continuing the argument. Don’t simply just leave and don’t ignore your spouse, just politely say that you need a moment to burn off some steam.
One of the best practices contradicts a popularly held belief… have you ever heard the saying, “The secret to a good marriage is to never go to bed angry?” Well, unfortunately I’m going to have to say that that advice is a bunch of BS. Sometimes if an argument remains unresolved, going to bed angry and approaching it with a fresh and rational mindset the morning after is EXACTLY what it needs. You’ll often find that, the next day, the argument wasn’t such a big deal and you’ll allow the situation to blow over.
Dispute Defusing Tactic #3 – Learn to conduct arguments with respect. Of course, I don’t need to say this but you can’t resort to name-calling during an argument. This is a no brainer. But there are a few other things you can do during an argument that will make them much more productive and respectful.
For example, start using the word “I” instead of “you” during an argument. Say you’re trying to tell your spouse that you hate it when they’re constantly late for things. Instead of saying, “You’re always the reason why we’re late,” say something along the lines of, “I think we should try and do our best to leave a little earlier.”
Really think about those two statements for a minute – one sounds a lot less respectful than the other, doesn’t it? By making small little shifts here and there, you’ll be able to transform the way you communicate with your spouse… and you’ll find that your spouse will start treating YOU with the same level of respect in return.
Dispute Defusing Tactic #4 – Use humor during the argument. Now, you have to be careful with this one…but injecting some well-timed humour can de-escalate or avoid a potential argument quite effectively. Take the last example I used… instead of saying something like, “You’re always the reason why we’re late.” You could say something along the lines of, “Honey, if we were any more late, we’d have to take a pregnancy test.” I know, that was a pretty awful joke… I’m sorry, but you get my drift. Using humour at the right time can send the right message without you looking like a complete jerk.
These four tactics are only just brief preview of my Dispute Defusing System. If you want to learn more about my Dispute Defusing System, simply watch my full-length free video presentation.
Now let me briefly go back to addressing something that I just brought up – what if your spouse already announced they wanted a separation? What if they are dead set on leaving you?
When Your Spouse Refuses To Try And Fix Your Marriage
This is a very difficult situation that has a number of possible solutions, but there are a few rules you need to follow when your spouse says that they want a divorce.
Rule #1 – Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go into “panic mode”. Human beings are hard-wired to feel threatened when something significant is being taken away from them. But when it comes to trying to win back a spouse, hitting the panic button will often times make things worse, and this erratic behavior can push your spouse further away even faster. As difficult as it is at the moment, you must maintain composure… even if all you want to do is cry and scream.
Rule #2 – Buy time. When your partner announces that he or she wants to move on, believe me, they have thought it through. There’s nothing, at that point, that you can do or say to convince them otherwise. So the best thing to do in this situation is to try and buy as much time as possible. Why? Well, for a few reasons.
For one, you allow your spouse to cool down. Your spouse probably had a difficult time announcing that they wanted a divorce or separation, – they’re likely very emotional, and thus, now is not the time to berate them about their issue. If this has already happened, that’s fine, but you need to stop the begging, plead, and overemotional outbursts.
Second, buying time allows you to come up with a solid plan for saving your marriage. Again, marriage is a complex topic that I cover immensely in my Mend The Marriage program.
Rule #3 – Tell them you understand, but you’re willing to go the extra mile. You must validate your spouse’s concerns. He or she thinks that there’s a serious issue in your marriage and there’s no point trying to talk them out of it at this point. Tell them that you understand, but you’re willing to give your marriage a fair shot. They may or may not disagree with you at the time, but you need to make it known that you will be willing to put forth the extra effort.
Rule #4 – Give your spouse a little space. It may be difficult right now, but for the next few days, give your spouse some breathing room. Give them some time for their emotions to settle. At the same time, you also need space for your emotions to settle as well.
Out of all of these rules, it’s important to remember rule #2. Buying time is essential to saving a marriage because it allows you time to figure out how to best plan to save your marriage
There’s another key issue that all marriages face that I’d like to talk about now, and that’s complacency. Yes, complacency is the deadly disease that can absolutely destroy the best of marriages, and, when left uncheck, complacency can lead to divorce in a matter of months. I know this because I’ve seen it happen.
In between trying to manage living expenses, work, stress, and maybe even children, making an effort to spend quality time with your spouse can take the back seat. I mean, it’s okay every one in awhile… after all, life can get pretty hectic, but we simply cannot let ourselves go and we cannot let ourselves forget about the most important person in our life.
Complacency: The Silent Marriage Killer
Here are some simple actions that can take right now to make sure that complacency doesn’t creep it and further destroy your marriage.
Complacency Killer Tip 1 – Force a meaningful conversation every once in awhile. Having an open, honest, and respectful conversation on a regular basis can help us overcome a lot of relationship problems. Ensure yourself that you don’t turn this conversation into a touchy subject… try and learn from each other. Ask them about topics you might not have talked about… I know this may be difficult if you’ve been in a relationship a long time, but brainstorm. There are an infinite number of things your spouse would love to talk about with you.
Complacency Killer Tip 2 – Start being a little selfish, in the RIGHT way. This tip probably sounded a bit weird, but what I’m really referring to is taking care of yourself. Go to the gym, eat better, and focus on making yourself a better person…NOT for your spouse, but for yourself. Do it for your own reasons.
Complacency Killer Tip 3 – Show your love and affection. Simply saying “I love you” isn’t enough anymore. Instead, show your spouse how much you love them with simple gestures. Show excitement when you see each other, hold hands, make eye contact, and keep that spark alive. I know this one might be a little difficult to do depending on what situation you’re in, but keep this tip in mind moving forward.
Complacency Killer Tip 4 – Go an adventures. The easy thing for me to say in this segment is “plan a regular date night.” You’ve probably already heard this advice… but date nights can feel too routine as well. What you need to do is plan something extraordinary. It doesn’t have to flashy or expensive, but you need to let your imagination run wild with this one… maybe plan a picnic at the top of a mountain, or maybe try going on a fun ATV tour. Again, depending on where you’re at with your spouse, doing these things might not be an option, but you must keep these tips in mind when things do eventually improve between you and your spouse.
Complacency Killer Tip 5 – Use the element of surprise. Again, routine equals BORING… especially when it comes to sex, conversation, or dates. Using the element of surprise is a SUPER easy way to destroy routine and rouse positive emotions. So let your imagination run wild with this one and surprise your lover with something they’d never expect.
Of course, this isn’t a totally exhaustive list of “Complacency Killers”, but it’s a good start.
For more help repairing your dying marriage and avoiding divorce, the first thing you should do is watch the free video presentation on my Mend the Marriage website. In that video, I share with you even more Marriage Murdering Mistakes, and I also reveal my step-by-step system that is guaranteed to give your marriage a proper second chance.
Wishing you the very best of luck in your attempts to repair the relationship with your spouse… here’s hoping you and your partner live “happily ever after”!