Hi, I’m Breakup Brad, YouTube’s #1 breakup coach since 2012… and almost every time I appear on someone’s podcast or do an interview, I’m asked the same question: “what’s my #1 tip for someone who is trying to get a second chance with their ex?”
And recently…. I’ve changed my answer to this question.
I have a new #1 tip for getting your ex back.
Before I share my new #1 tip for anyone trying to get their ex back, let me tell you what my answer to that question used to be.
I would usually talk about the importance of not trying to convince your ex to take you back with words, but rather to subtly shift their perception of you to the point where they end up deciding on their own that they want you back. And this is definitely still 100% true and extremely important… you really can’t talk your way back into your ex’s heart, you have to use basic human psychology against your ex and make them decide they want you back on their own. I’ve talked about this in some of my past videos, and it’s still one of the best pieces of advice I could give to anyone hoping for a second chance after a breakup.
But recently… after a stretch of a few weeks recently where many of my coaching clients happened to all be experiencing a similar situation… I’ve decided that there’s a better piece of advice I can give that would be even more beneficial.
My new #1 tip for getting your ex back?
You must ensure that every encounter with your ex is enjoyable for them. This sounds stupid and obvious on the surface, but let me explain what I mean and how you can apply this in the real world to make your ex want you back.
First, what I mean is simple: any time you talk to or see your ex… for whatever reason, whether it’s an unavoidable encounter when you’re still engaged in No Contact or you’re seeing your ex in person to catch up… you always want the experience to be enjoyable for your ex.
You want them to have a good time talking with you, seeing you… every encounter with them should be something they leave feeling positive about. Make them laugh, make them smile, trigger a fun memory or do something spontaneous and goofy… it doesn’t matter.
What matters is that every time you see or talk to your ex, they enjoy it. Even if it’s only an extremely tiny, minor thing like responding to their text with a funny meme… or sharing a personal story that you know they’ll enjoy hearing… or asking them about something you know they’re extremely passionate about and enjoy talking about… just make sure that they get something positive from each and every interaction.
Can this be challenging at times? Of course. Sometimes your ex is already mad or bitter about something, or trying to dig up old drama to pick a fight… but you should still try to make the best of the situation and try to lighten the mood or make them crack a grin.
WHY Your Ex’s Enjoyment Matters
You see… one basic principle of human psychology is that people are hard-wired with something called recency bias. We tend to remember and focus on things that occurred recently, and have a bias to focus on those recent events. In practice, this means that your ex will remember you a lot based on the most recent encounters… they will focus on those memories and those recent memories will have an outsized impact on their subconscious opinion of you and how they think about you.
If you get into a bunch of fights with your ex, you always end conversations feeling angry or upset… those recent events are what your ex is going to be most heavily influenced by when they think about you.
And they’re negative. They will help your ex craft a subconscious image of you in their mind that makes them associate you with drama, heartache, resentment, etc… not with laughter and smiles.
And guess what? People want to be around other people whose company they enjoy. Your ex will want to see you, talk to you, be around you… and yes, even get back together with you… if they think you’re still the same funny, attractive, intelligent person they fell in love with originally. If every time they see you or talk to you, they enjoy it and want more.
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That’s why it’s so important to always ensure encounters with your ex are POSITIVE for them… that they leave your ex with a good recent memory to focus on, instead of the negatives and reasons that led them to the breakup.
And another benefit to this approach is that it prevents you from making any major mistakes without realizing it. Almost all of the biggest common mistakes people make when trying to get their ex back — the ones that destroy your chances in a heartbeat — are actually just based on interactions that are negative and not enjoyable for your ex.
For example, many people spill their heart out to their ex, thinking that saying “i miss you, i need you, i love you” over and over again will make them take you back. If, in that situation, you were focused on ensuring every conversation and encounter was fun for your ex… you wouldn’t spam them with texts gushing your heart out, because why would your ex enjoy receiving that?
If you were only focused on showing your ex a good time, even in the tiniest of text message exchanges, you are simply way less likely to say or do something that might destroy your chances for good.
Now, I want to share a couple of quick examples of how you might implement this tip in real-life situations with your ex. I’ll share a couple of quick stories from my recent coaching clients — I’m obviously not using their real names — and how to handle their situations in a way that ends up leaving their ex feeling positive about the encounter.
Real Life Example #1: Katherine & Shawn
First, a recent client who we’ll call Katherine. Katherine was in med school, her boyfriend of 3 years recently dumped her, and her 30 days of No Contact were due to end in a few days. Out of the blue one night, her ex Shawn texted her and asked “hey are you still alive? what are you up to?” This was the 3rd time in a week he’d sent a late night text, and she had ignored the first two…. But now she asked me what she should say in response the third time he messaged her.
How could Katherine respond in a way that led to an enjoyable, positive conversation with her ex? All he’d done was ask her if she’s “still alive” and “what she’s up to”. Now, a lot of people in this situation would reply by saying something like, “at the library studying for my midterm exam on Friday, you?”… it’s a logical response. But it’s boring. It’s not going to make Shawn laugh or smile… it’s not leading the conversation to something interesting, and it wouldn’t make Katherine look good or seem exciting and interesting… so, simply responding by saying “i’m at the library studying” she could come up with something better.
My suggestion for Katherine was to find the darkest, most depressing looking study cubicle at the library… scatter all her books on the desk chaotically, and leave a couple of empty coffee cups in the corner. Then, take a selfie of her depressing little study cubicle and send only that pic to Shawn in response to his text.
Is this going to make Shawn laugh his ass off or ask Katherine to take him back? No. Let’s be realistic here.. You can only do so much to make this kind of mundane situation enjoyable for Shawn. But at least the photo reply is a little bit amusing… it’s not likely what Shawn is expecting, and it shows that Katherine is busy studying late into the night because she’s a crazy smart med school student going places in life, with or without her ex Shawn.
And by sending only the photo, and no other reply, she’s dropping a bit of mystery and intrigue that will make Shawn curious and more likely to reply and lead to a positive exchange that he’ll be interested in and enjoy, at least on some small level.
Real Life Example #2: Jamal & Emily
Here’s one more example from a recent client…. Let’s call him Jamal. Jamal was doing well with his ex Emily, after No Contact he’d already met up with her once and things seemed to be going well, although she wasn’t yet ready to break down and ask him to get back together. And while he was slowly re-building rapport and attraction with his ex, Jamal was taking my advice and finding fun, interesting shit to do with his time.
I told Jamal to do something really interesting — like skydiving, or a weekend hike in the remote mountains near where he lived, that he knew would impress or be interesting to his ex. He needed a fun story to tell Emily to have an excuse ot meet up with her again and show her a good time.
Jamal ended up doing even better than I expected. He signed up to be a crew on a 3-day sailing excursion… on day 1 they taught him to sail, and the next 2 days he cruised some nearby islands with a bunch of interesting people. Jamal got incredible sunset photos, he swam with a whale shark, and he got a hilarious sunburn on his back by trying to put sunscreen on his back by himself.
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Jamal had a perfect reason to meet up with Emily and tell her the story, because she came from a family of sailors and always talked about someday taking Jamal out on a sailboat to experience it.
His trip was a great story he knew she’d love hearing and appreciate… it made him look like a fun, exciting dude by doing something interesting and adventurous without her. He had pictures of the trip and a hilarious sunburn to show her.
And most of all he had a foolproof way to make his ex enjoy getting together for dinner. Jamal ended up getting back together with her, by the way, although it took another month after that. They’re still together as of his most recent email to me.
Anyway, Jamal’s example is less realistic in many situations. It’s hard to come up with such a perfect way to show his ex a good time and use the story to hugely increase her attraction to him. A lot of the time you’ll be in situations more like Katherine’s, the first example I shared, but regardless of what the specifics are, you should always ensure you show your ex a good time and make each encounter a positive, enjoyable one that helps to improve how they think about you and subconsciously perceive you as a potential boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you need help like Jamal and Katherine did, you can sign up to work with me as your personal ongoing breakup coach. I promise it’s WAY more affordable than you’re expecting, and we’ll work on an ongoing basis as your situation unfolds to maximize your chance of getting back together.