If you want your ex back, you need to communicate with them. But there’s an obvious problem here.
With the breakdown of the relationship comes a breakdown in communication.
Even if you don’t have a huge blowout fight and find yourself blocked on everything, you’re going to find that talking to your ex just isn’t effortless, the way it was when you two were together.
And that’s because the dynamic has changed. You’re no longer coming together. You’re moving apart. You don’t know what they want and so every interaction is a question mark. That’s why things are tense, awkward and you struggle to really get anywhere.
And those of you who don’t have the best communication skills in general will find yourselves in a very tough spot.
This is where my Mirroring Technique comes in. I’m going to teach you how to use this technique to break down the barriers between you and your ex, get back on the same page, and connect with them so you can begin the process of winning them back.
So I’m going to talk about not only the overall strategy, but we’ll also get into hyper specific techniques that you can use in the moment to totally flip your ex’s perception of you.
Why The Mirror Technique Works
So what exactly is the mirror technique? Well mirroring is about connecting with another person through subtly mimicking them. I’m not talking about being a parrot here. It goes far beyond just mimicking their actions and tone of voice and things like that. Of course, that is a part of it, but we’re going to take this further and talk about how you should mimic your ex’s approach, attitudes, and outlook as well as their mannerisms.
The goal here is to make your ex see that you’re meeting them halfway, seeking to understand and validate them, but doing so in a way that’s never overwhelming. And you do this by letting them set the pace, respecting their boundaries and matching their energy. And this requires you to learn both active and passive mirroring.
I’m going to hit you with a lot of information here, but try not to be overwhelmed. This is a technique where a little can go a long way, so you shouldn’t try to mirror your ex in every single way at all times or you’re going to freak them out. You need to find the balance between staying grounded, being yourself and using the mirroring technique.
As with all of my advice, subtlety and a light touch are crucial here. But it’s important to have all the information so you know the different ways of applying it.
So what’s the primary mechanism here? Well I’ll talk about why this stuff works as we talk about specific techniques but I wanted to highlight what is—for me–the biggest benefit of mirroring right off the top here and it’s this:
Mirroring will help soothe your ex’s anxiety and your anxiety.
I think one of the biggest factors when it comes to reconnecting with an ex is anxiety. Now you may say “I don’t have anxiety, I’m fine.” And listen, I’m not trying to diagnose you or anything like that. I’m talking about the kind of anxiety everyone has when they approach a new or difficult situation.
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So say you have a driver’s exam coming up, and you know that you need your license because you’re going on a road trip in two days… so if you fail this, it’s all going to be royally screwed up. Now most people in this scenario are going to experience a pretty heavy dose of anxiety, and that’s normal. It’s how you know to take things seriously.
Now obviously, I don’t have to tell you that things with your ex are pretty high stakes. You want them back, and you’re so afraid to do anything to screw it up. It feels like you have the power to either create happiness with this person you love, or scare them off for good. So, understandably, you’re going to have a lot of anxiety about this.
And guess what? So does your ex. I’m guessing that your ex is a bit more ambivalent about the whole situation than you are. They don’t know that they want you back. They probably don’t know what they want. And this will actually make their anxiety worse and more unpredictable.
If they see you coming at them like a freight train, it’s going to spike their anxiety. Your ex thinks “they’re going to want an answer. They’re going to try to sleep with me or win me back or be my friend” … and this scares them.
So really, it’s that uncertainty that’s going to drive the anxiety for both of you.
And this anxiety is going to be a major barrier to reconnecting. Because now when you talk to them or see them, instead of feeling safety, comfort and affection–all the things that made your relationship great–you both feel scared.
And it doesn’t matter how much they care about you and love you, because if your presence scares them, they’re not going to stick around for long.
Because it’s easy to misinterpret these feelings as your mind and body saying, “this isn’t right. I shouldn’t be with this person”… and since your ex is looking for a path forward, they might take these cues and decide to get as far away from you as possible and find someone who doesn’t make them feel this way.
So you essentially need to show your ex–and yourself–that this situation ISN’T scary. That you can still access the feelings you used to have when you were together. You essentially need to warm them up slowly to the idea that your presence is a good thing.
So how do you do this?
Using The Mirror Technique
Let’s take this one step at a time. So before we talk about actively communicating with your ex—both over text and face-to-face—we need to talk about setting yourself up for success. And you’re going to do this by mirroring them before you two even meet up.
So the first step is you want to match their energy around the breakup.
So here’s a common pattern you need to avoid. Your ex ended the relationship, or it was mutual. A few days later, you feel like you’re on the brink. You want them back and you want to reach out and tell them how much you love them and need them in your life. Now is when you need to stop yourself and begin mirroring.
This is when you need to be thinking about what your ex is feeling, what they want and what energy they’re giving off.
So while you’re gearing up to make some huge admission of your feelings—a plea for another chance—they’re just getting some space and processing what happened and how they feel about it. They’re not contacting you—Really, they’re doing nothing as far as you’re concerned.
So you two are NOT on the same page mentally or emotionally. So should you come crashing in, demanding their attention and upsetting their peace?
No, you should allow them to have whatever space they want. Keep your distance. Right now you probably feel like a raw nerve: you’re edgy, you’re emotional and you’re volatile. Even YOU don’t know what you’ll do next. This is NOT the energy to bring to your ex.
I’m sure you’re saying “So I should just do nothing? How does that help me get them back?”
And no, you definitely shouldn’t be doing nothing at this time. You should be doing the same thing that they’re doing: processing the breakup and getting your life back on track. So take some time to really think about the breakup and feel your feelings. Think about what went wrong. Journal, reflect, do whatever you can to put the breakup behind you and compartmentalize your feelings.
And you may say “well I saw my ex, they were a nervous wreck. They were weeping and drunk and making mistakes. Am I supposed to mirror that?”
No, you shouldn’t, and that brings us to one of the most important aspects of mirroring: We only mirror the good stuff. Remember, we’re mirroring for a reason here. You’re not trying to become your ex. You’re trying to bring them closer to you.
So if they’re showing you negative behaviour like falling apart and breaking down—lashing out, whatever—you don’t want to follow their lead here. Of course, crying after a breakup is normal and healthy, but I’m guessing if you’re seeing it–or word is getting back to you–then they’re taking it to an extreme where it becomes counterproductive.
You also want to mirror their attitude towards the breakup. So if they’re being distant, be distant. Don’t see their one word text at 1 am and immediately send back an essay. If they ask you to give them a ride to the airport after they blew you off a bunch of times, don’t do them that favour.
It can be really hard to resist your ex’s offers like this, even if they’re not ideal, because you just want to see them so badly. But if you think about it, you’ll see that it’s not worth coming across as spineless and pathetic just for a bit of attention from your ex.
If you match their distance and the way they treat you, you’ll actually start to create some equality in the relationship. You’ll show them that they’re not the one in control and you’ll gain back some of the respect that you lost around the breakup.
You’ll actually become more relatable to your ex. This is one of the other big things that mirroring your ex does. So look at the ride to the airport example. They say “can I please have a ride?” and you say “No, I can’t. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I need space.” Chances are they’re not going to be super happy about this at first. I mean, they actually did want that ride.
But when the conversation is over, your ex is going to think, “Damn, they’re right. I wouldn’t want to give them a ride to the airport either. It’s too soon.” And this is going to change how they look at you. They’ll start relating to you more and they’ll start to respect you and look at you like a real person instead of just “their ex.”
But, again, I’m speaking generally. This depends on YOUR ex in particular. You need to really get inside their head to mirror them. So maybe your ex is someone who really values community and would go out of their way to help someone regardless of the situation. And maybe you were not that way in the relationship and it was a source of tension. Then giving your ex that ride could actually bring you two closer together.
So consider your ex’s mindset before you make a decision like this one.
Now, once you’re through the first stage — which is keeping distance from your ex for a few weeks — how do you move forward?
Moving Things Forward
Mirroring your ex too strictly can leave you in a stalemate. They don’t reach out, so you don’t reach out, and eventually you both die of old age and you never get that second chance.
So remember, we only mirror the stuff that brings us closer together. This means you may have to reach out to them to get the conversation going.
This is when you need to really be paying attention to two things:
1. picking up the signals your ex is sending.
2. matching their energy.
So reach out, but then follow your instincts in these initial interactions. Does it feel like your ex is trying to get out of the conversation? Are they wondering what your motivations are? Do they want to talk more? Are they hinting at something?
It’s good to read and reread their messages a few times before responding. You’re not on the clock here. It’s better to take ten minutes and say the right thing than it is to be lightning fast with the wrong response.
When you have a better idea of how they feel, you want to match that energy.
So if they send short messages, reply with short messages. If they take an hour between messages, take 90 minutes. This might feel like playing games, but it really does work. It’s simple psychology.
When you treat your ex the way they treat you, you put them at ease. Because we’re always more comfortable in a conversation where the other person is giving back what we’re offering. We can act natural. We’re relaxed. And that’s what you want…you want your ex to be relaxed.
The Crosswalk Button Rule
You know that little button you push to activate the crosswalk lights?
I think a lot of people will press the button over and over. It’s like a nervous habit. But it doesn’t make the light change any faster, does it? All you’re doing is showing yourself—and the world—that you’re on edge.
Remember, you only need to press it once.
The same goes for texting your ex. Send one message at a time. If your ex doesn’t respond, the worst thing you can do is follow up with another message ten minutes later, an hour later, a day later. You’re just showing your ex that you’ve been waiting desperately for that message. This will freak them out and put pressure on them.
When in reality they were either just busy, or they were actively ignoring you. That’s them sending you a signal and you deciding not to pick up on it.
So before you send another text, ask yourself “did I already push the button?”
Agreeing With Your Ex
Next, we need to talk about agreeing with your ex. Now I know I told you not to do your ex favours, especially if they’re not giving you the time of day, and that still applies. But I do think that agreeing with your ex should be your default unless you have a good reason not to.
Now I’m not saying suck up to your ex or just tell them what they want to hear.
I’m saying that, unless it’s about something important, make agreement your default response with your ex. So if they say “it was so nice out today” and you saw a few clouds don’t say “no, it was actually cloudy.”
Remember your goal here. You want your ex to relax and feel comfortable around you. So why are you arguing over things that don’t matter? They say they just saw a movie and they loved it and you thought it was only okay. Is it important to share your thoughts about the movie here or is it better to just say “yeah I liked it too” and then move on to something else?
Honestly, this is something you have to apply selectively. Don’t become a total Yes Man. But also think about WHY your ex is saying these things. They’re trying to make a connection with you. Every trivial comment is actually an emotional bid… an opportunity to get closer to them. Don’t throw them away.
These little tweaks are what the Mirror Technique is all about. It’s about changing the dynamic. You’re flattering them, but not in a way that degrades you.
What I mean is, that it’s hard to flatter your ex at this stage without them losing some respect for you. So I’m sure you’ve heard the advice that you don’t want to start complimenting your ex, telling them how special they are and how important they are to you.
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This is going to make them feel better about themselves, but it’s also going to make them feel worse about you, because it will make you seem desperate and pathetic. They’re rejecting you, and you’re repaying them with compliments? Not very attractive.
This is because you’re not matching their energy. Now if you‘re starting to reconnect in a more serious way and your ex is saying sweet things about you, that’s the time to give that energy back.
This is what it means to let your ex set the pace. They need to see that you’re exactly as invested as they are at any given point. I think of it like a date. Imagine you go for drinks. They have three drinks over the course of the night.
Now what if you were to have zero drinks…not even water. You’re just sitting there staring at them.
This isn’t going to put them at ease. But then what if you go the other way? You have ten drinks. You’re sloppy and you’re falling all over the place. That’s not going to be very endearing.
So obviously the real answer is to have roughly the same amount of drinks that they do. Many of us do this naturally without asking ourselves why. Why does it matter? The reason this works is because you’re creating a shared experience.
You’re on the same journey together and this creates a bond between the two of you.
Spending Time With Your Ex
The same goes when it comes to spending time together. Chances are they’ll dance around the idea at first.
It’s not going to be like you reach out to them after not talking for three weeks and you say “hello, I miss you” and they say “I miss you too. Let’s go out for dinner and drinks tomorrow night and then we can go back to your place and talk about our relationship.”
Instead, you’ll likely open up to each other slowly. You’ll talk more and more. They’ll hint that they want to see you. Maybe they’ll mention something you used to do together. Or tell you that they’re bored or that they’re lonely, or something like that.
Don’t jump in with a specific plan right off the bat. Let it build slowly before you make a suggestion. And don’t live or die on their answer.
They might say no initially, and that’s okay. If they do, you want them to feel like you’re okay with that. You’re still figuring out what you want too. Keep the connection alive and build up to it.
Show them that you respect their boundaries by maintaining your own.
This kind of thing shows your stability. It’s easy for your ex to start to associate you with chaos after a bad breakup.
It really only takes a couple of fights and a bit of unpredictable behaviour and they’ll bristle at the thought of seeing you. But if you can mirror correctly, they’re going to see that you’re safe, because you’re still that stable presence you used to be.
Micro Mirroring Techniques
So we’ve talked about mirroring their approach, attitudes, and outlook. Now let’s talk about a few more micro techniques you can use when you do see your ex face to face, or even talk on the phone.
1. Echo Your Ex
Chris Voss, an FBI hostage negotiator, talks about this technique. What you need to do is just repeat the last one to three words of what your ex says to you.
So imagine your ex says “It’s been so crazy lately. I’m just having trouble getting my life back to normal.”
You’d say “Back to normal.” and then launch into whatever you have to say.
You can also use this as a question. So I find that people are reluctant to question their exes sometimes. They’re afraid to let them lead the conversation because if they go off script, they won’t know what to do. They could say anything.
But if you follow the mirroring techniques, you’ll be able to stay with them and match their energy, and then you can get them back on track using some of the same techniques, by nudging them gently, so don’t be afraid.
So your ex might say “I miss you a lot, but in some ways, the breakup has been a huge relief.”
Your instinct will, understandably, be to get offended, shut down, pull away. Or even lash out and tell your ex “listen, you’re no picnic either.”
But if you can remember to echo all you have to say is “A huge relief?”
And now you’re getting inside your ex’s mind, bit by bit.
This is also great when your mind goes blank and you don’t know what to say. It validates your ex to know you’re listening and it allows you to guide the conversation where you want it.
Just some caveats: this is for face to face or phone conversation only, not texting.
And–as with the other stuff on this list–you never want to be a parrot so use this sparingly or they’re going to see what you’re doing.
2. Validate Your Ex
Mirroring is the best way to validate your ex but I wanted to highlight this specifically because you want to be intentional about it. Which means you need to be aware when and how you’re validating your ex. Again, only mirror the positive stuff, the stuff you want to nurture.
So maybe your ex says “I’ve been going out on a lot of dates and there are so many good options out there.”
You probably don’t want to feed into this and make them feel good about it. So stop mirroring them in those moments. You don’t want to go ice cold but you also don’t want to be like, “Wow I love that! That’s so awesome!”
But if they’re expressing something that’s bringing you closer together… For example, maybe they were thinking about moving away for a new job and now they’re second guessing it… that’s the time to echo their concerns and feed into them.
So they say “I’ve just been thinking about how hard it will be to start over in a new city. All my friends are here and I don’t know if I can handle it.”
That’s when you’d say something like “Yeah, it’s a really hard choice. You’d have to give up a lot by leaving. I always felt like you could find a similar job here.”
So you’re mirroring their concerns, matching their energy and feeding into that doubt a little. And this is a situation where mirroring is the only way to achieve this.
Because imagine your ex is like “I’m so excited to start this new job. I know it’s a big move but I’m excited for this next step.” If you try to poke holes in this, you’re not actually going to change their mind about the move. You’re only going to show them that you’re someone who doesn’t support them. So you can only really nurture what they’re already feeling.
3. Use Active listening
Part of the power of mirroring is that it works on a physiological level. You’re creating a connection subconsciously that’s going to increase bonding. Active listening is another powerful way to use mirroring.
Because when they’re talking and you’re just listening, you’re no longer really mirroring them, right? You’re just sitting there like a lump.
But if you listen actively you’re still connecting with them.
So start by actually listening to what they have to say. I know it’s easy to get caught up in your own head and what you’re going to say next but try to really engage with their words. Then you want to reflect back their enthusiasm. So if they’re sad about something, be sad. If they’re excited, be excited.
Then you want to do some echoing by repeating back some of what they say here and there, just to show you’re engaged. So maybe they say “And he took her to McDonald’s for the first date.” You can just say “McDonald’s??”
This is pretty simple stuff but I’m always shocked by how many people don’t do it, when it does so much to improve communication.
4. Mirror Their Body Language
This is classic mirroring and it’s about as deep as most people get into this idea. But it really is incredibly valuable. So you basically want to match your ex’s body language. This is especially important early in an interaction because it can help set the tone.
First you want to look at how they’re holding their body. Are they closed off? Arms crossed, shoulders up and feet pointed away from you? Are they casual? Are they distracted? Intense? Excited?
It’s not always easy to tell, but if you match their body language, it will actually cause you to actually FEEL their emotions a little bit. Because the same way that emotions change your body language, body language can change your emotions.
This will show your ex that you’re on the same page. If they’re hunched over, chair pushed back, looking at their phone, you shouldn’t be staring at them, alert, fists clenched. That puts people on edge.
The Limits of Mirroring
So we’ve talked about how mirroring has a powerful effect on your ex and can really help bridge the gap and get them interested again. But it does have limits. You don’t want to focus on mirroring as your main strategy to win back your ex because, eventually, you’re going to have to take action and push things forward.
If you keep letting your ex set the pace forever, you could be stuck in relationship limbo and then your ex is going to lose interest.
You need to know when to stop mirroring and take the lead. This means more actively pursuing your ex, when the time comes. But if you’ve used the techniques up to this point, your ex will be more relaxed and open to the idea of rebuilding the relationship.
