Is your avoidant ex cold, distant and indifferent?
What if I told you that’s just a smokescreen?
They’re actually afraid.
You see, avoidants are very good at acting like they don’t care. It’s like they’ve totally moved on and practically forgotten who you are. But the truth is that they actually do care, a lot. And it’s the fact that they care that’s pushing them to go quiet, ice you out, and pretend that you don’t exist.
Because the fact that they care about you and about the relationship is a huge source of fear for an avoidant, and that fear is what’s driving a wedge between the two of you and keeping you apart.
What Your Avoidant Ex Is Afraid Of
So let’s talk about why your ex feels this way, what they’re afraid of, and how you can work around their fear to win them back and create a happier life together where neither of you has to be afraid.
When we talk about attachment styles and breakups, we’re typically talking about avoidants, because they’re the ones who present the biggest challenge. They tend to go silent and limit contact to practically nothing. It can be really difficult to even have a conversation with them, much less figure out what they’re thinking.
But the truth is that I’ve cracked the code on avoidant exes and found that their biggest weakness is fear.
They’re terrified of intimacy, commitment, vulnerability and–above all–of their own emotions. And as someone who is trying to get closer to them and share a life together, you’re a living embodiment of all these fears. This is why your avoidant ex is afraid of you.
And before anyone says: “you’re talking about fearful-avoidant exes. Of course they’re afraid, but what about dismissive avoidants?” Well the truth is that dismissive avoidants are just as afraid as fearful avoidants, they just show it in a different way.
Their dismissal–their refusal to hear your side of things, to think about your feelings or engage in a real dialogue–it comes from a place of fear. It feels like they don’t care about you and they just don’t believe that emotions matter. But really, they’re being dismissive as a strategy.
They don’t want to talk about this stuff because it’s confusing, overwhelming and scary. So they downplay it and push it aside so that they can maintain their safety.
And most avoidants, on some level, know that this is going to upset you, and maybe even lead to a fight. But it’s a fight that they’re comfortable having because they’ve had it so many times before.
They’d much rather have you yell and storm off or give them the silent treatment than they would actually open up and have a real conversation.
Why An Avoidant Becomes An Ex
But what about after the breakup? Well the thing about avoidants is that–and I hate to say this because it sounds cruel–but to a certain extent they’re emotionally stunted. Whatever happened–or didn’t happen–in their childhood made it difficult for them to process difficult emotions.
Instead, they learned to push them down, push them away or just avoid them altogether. And of course, we know that emotions can’t be dealt with in this way. The more you deny them, the more of a problem they become and the more significant they feel.
This creates a common pattern: your partner has some issue with you or the relationship. Maybe they feel like they’re not given enough freedom. Maybe you did something to hurt them or you haven’t been meeting their needs.
Now, they know that what they have to do is talk to you about it. They have to let you know there’s a problem, clear the air, and work with you to find a solution. But that would require a few things that they’re not willing to do.
It would mean admitting that they have emotions and needs. It would mean opening up and being vulnerable. And it would mean risking conflict. And to the avoidant, these things feel way more immediately threatening than whatever issue they’re having with you.
So instead they say “it’s not worth having a conversation about this.” They invalidate their own feelings. Now, do this once or twice and it’s probably not a big deal. But repeat this every time you have a problem in the relationship and these little issues fester and become a huge problem.
And then your partner feels that the only way to get relief from the crushing weight of all that’s bothering them is to end the relationship and get away from you.
Because, part of the avoidant’s issues is one of perception. So when we lay it all out logically, we see that the issues they’re having are complex.
They are based in real problems in the relationship but they’re affected by their own insecurities, problems with communication and tendency to avoid.
That’s something that the avoidant is never really going to internalize because that would require them to think about all the things that they don’t want to think about.
So instead, they simplify: they make you the problem, and they push you away to fix the situation.
Because–while your ex still cares about you–you’ve come to represent all the issues that they’re facing: getting close to you has created all this fear, so getting away from you is going to make them feel better; issues in the relationship feel overwhelming and if they get away from you, they’re going to disappear.
Notice how avoidance is always the answer to their problems.
So now, after the breakup, when you approach them–even just to talk–it feels like you’re bringing with you all this negative stuff that they were trying to leave behind. So in effect, they’ve become afraid of you.
But don’t worry, this isn’t a permanent state of affairs. You CAN change how your ex feels about you and attract them back if you follow my advice.
How To Break The Cycle
So approaching them doesn’t work. It just makes them recede from you even further. Then how can you overcome this avoidance?
Well first off, understanding your ex’s current emotional state really is half the battle. That’s why I make these videos. Even by watching this far, you’ve started to gain empathy for your ex and so you’re closer to getting them back than you were before, even if it feels like nothing has changed.
But what’s your next move? Well to start, what you need to do is nothing.
Yes, in order to break this cycle of chasing and pulling away is to stop chasing your ex.
And many of you are going to find this ridiculous. I mean, you may say that you barely did anything. Maybe it was just a few texts here and there, a couple of phone calls. But remember, your ex is in fight or flight mode right now.
RELATED: 6 Signs An Avoidant Still Loves You
They’re extra sensitive to being pressured in any way, so all it takes is a couple texts–or even one text–for them to feel like you’re trying to worm your way back in.
Because let’s face it, most people who text their exes are looking for something: they either want sex, they want to get back together, or they want all those books you stole when you moved out.
But seriously, you need to stop the pattern of reaching out to your ex and then hanging all your hopes on that text back because you’re only making things worse.
Instead, what you need to do is give your ex as much space as physically possible right now. Move out, give them back their hoodie and go No Contact today for at least 30 days.
This might feel impossible, but that’s actually a good sign. However hard it feels for you, it feels even harder for your ex.
Because they didn’t choose this, it’s happening to them out of nowhere so it’s going to create a massive sense of loss.
You see, avoidants are used to being chased after like this. Their hot and cold behaviour really invites this in anyone they date.
But when you withdraw completely, they won’t know what to do. Instead of feeling pressure from you, they’ll feel nothing and that’s going to feel like a major rejection for your avoidant ex.
And remember how I said that avoidants fear intimacy? Well something that many people don’t know is that they fear rejection almost as much.
This is because avoidants feel that they’re somehow defective.
On some level, they recognize that their behaviour pushes people away and so when you leave, it will feel like a confirmation of their worst fears. They’ll feel like they screwed things up all over again. They’ll feel unloveable.
And on top of this, without you around to blame for how they feel, they’ll have to face their role in the breakup and realize that it’s not really what they want after all. And that’s when they’re going to break the silence and come back to you.
So stay the course, keep quiet and let them sit with all the negative feelings they’ve been trying to run from. Pretty soon they’re going to realize that you weren’t the problem, they were.
