If you ask your ex for another chance and they say “no, never again” it can be devastating.
But I need you to know that—in many cases—all hope is not lost.
There is still something you can do that will change your ex’s mind
But it will only work if you handle the situation carefully, take it slow, and follow my advice.
The worst thing you can do right now is to let these emotions overwhelm you and cause you to lash out, give up, or fall into a pit of depression. What you need to do instead is to take the problem head on.
So I’m going to ask you to face the truth about what your ex is saying, work to understand the feeling behind those words, and then we’ll talk about how you can use this knowledge to win them back.
What “Never Again” Really Means
Now I’m not suggesting that your ex doesn’t mean what they say. You shouldn’t doubt their seriousness or downplay their feelings. The worst thing you could do right now would be to ignore what they’re saying and keep pushing forward, regardless of what they say.
Instead, you need to look at what they’re actually saying and then go deeper and try to understand what they hope to achieve.
Because let’s be honest, this is a very harsh statement from your ex. Most of the time, an ex is not going to want to hurt your feelings in this way. They’ll only say it if they feel it’s necessary.
So why do they feel that it’s necessary to hurt you like this? It’s going to be for one of these reasons.
Reason #1: You did something unforgivable.
If you hurt your ex in a major way then there’s a good chance that they’re really done for good and they want you to know that. So maybe you lied to them, betrayed their trust, or cheated on them.
That being said, cheating isn’t always impossible to come back from. I actually made a video about winning your ex back after cheating that I’m going to link in the description below and up in the corner here that you should check out after this one, if that’s the situation you’re in.
But I won’t lie to you, this is one of the worst situations that I’m going to cover in this video because it most likely means that your ex is done and they intend to move on.
Reason #2: They’re just trying to get space from you.
When your ex shuts you down like this, a pretty common reaction is, “wow, they hate me. They must really be serious about this break up,” and while that can be true, it often has more to do with how you’ve been treating them since the breakup, rather than how they feel about getting back together.
What I’m saying is, if you’ve been really aggressive about trying to maintain the connection—like you’ve been calling them or texting them non-stop, begging them to get back together, or asking a lot of questions—and if you’re not getting the hints they’re dropping, then it’s quite likely that this is just an attempt to get some space from you.
So while this does mean you need to back off for now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re fully done, just that they’re trying to get you to leave them alone so that they can sort through their feelings. And the good news is that this is probably the most common situation I see and it’s often salvageable.
Reason #3: They’re trying to hurt you or get a rise out of you
Another option here is that your ex is actually trying to make you feel bad, or just get your attention. If you haven’t spoken to your ex in a while and you haven’t been particularly aggressive about trying to win them back, then there’s a good chance that this is their goal.
This is more common if you’ve hurt them in some way, or if they’re a particularly dramatic or vindictive person. So maybe you’re ignoring them. Now they want your attention but they don’t want you to KNOW that they want your attention. So they pop up out of nowhere with a message like this, hoping that you take the bait. They might even use it as an opportunity to slam you with some other insults that they’ve been holding onto.
For example, “we’re NEVER getting back together. You’re just not emotionally mature and you only care about your career. I always felt like second best.”
It’s sort of like reverse psychology. They want you to think “how come they don’t want me back?” or “I need to show them they’re wrong!”
But again, this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re interested in you in any serious way. They could just be trying to get even with you or just trying to get that feeling of validation so don’t celebrate just yet.
Reason #4: They’re trying to convince themselves.
This is one of the most common reasons that an ex will tell you it’s over with absolute certainty. They may be internally conflicted, unsure whether breaking up was really the right choice. By telling you, in no uncertain terms, that it’s completely over and they’ll never take you back, they’re actually saying it to convince themselves that it’s truly over and there’s no take-backs.
Obviously, there are takebacks. Your ex can change their mind and beg you for another chance. But, by telling you that they’re never coming back, they’re hoping to make themselves really believe that and stick to it. It’s almost like, “if I tell my ex it’s really over, that will make sure I feel that way myself and commit to the decision”.
Needless to say, if this is the case for your ex, it’s definitely good news. It actually usually means your ex is struggling with their decision to end things, and there’s a very good chance you can change their mind and win them back.
Reason #5: You’ve had multiple breakups in the past.
Think about the phrase, “never again” and in particular, focus on that word “again”. If your ex has said that to you, this suggests that you and your ex may have already broken up and gotten back together in the past.
In my experience, getting back together is like a concussion: the more you’ve reconnected with somebody, the easier it is to do it again. This has a lot to do with expectations.
Often people are afraid to reconnect with an ex because they don’t know how it’s going to go. Is it going to be super dramatic and complicated? Are they going to hold a grudge? Are we going to be able to recapture the magic?
But once you’ve already done it once or twice, you know basically what it’s going to look like and you know that there’s nothing to be afraid of. This can make it much easier to reconcile in the future and this is why we see couples that have broken up five, six, seven times and are still trying. They just can’t stay away.
But while it MAY make it easier to reconnect, it can also be a barrier, depending on your particular ex. Basically, they’ve seen it fail two or three or four times and so they can’t imagine that it’s going to work out this time around.
So it’s a little complicated. And I think often this confusion is what’s inspiring their message. They’re trying to shut the door for good and prevent another backslide. Still, the fact that they feel it’s necessary tells you that you still have a chance, in a lot of cases.
And I find that true with a lot of exes. The fact that they feel it needs to be said is actually an admission that there might still be feelings there. Those breakups that are truly final typically don’t leave room for conversations like this. You break up and then you never see each other again because you have no reason to. You’re set on moving on.
Change Your Ex’s Mind
So by now you have decided which of these scenarios best applies to you. As I said, if you cheated on your ex, then check out this article. But if that wasn’t the reason for the breakup, then here’s the game plan you need to follow:
Step 1: Listen To Your Ex
It’s rare that your ex will say something like this in a vacuum. So they’ll typically say it in the context of a bigger conversation where they tell you why they feel this way: what’s keeping them away from you and making them want to move on.
So you need to listen to what they’re saying and really internalize it. Now isn’t the time to apologize or make excuses. Just take these things in and remember them for later. The issues that they point to in this conversation are going to be what you need to address if you want to win them back.
So maybe they keep bringing up how you don’t take the relationship seriously or that you aren’t consistent with how you treat them, or you always take them for granted. At least consider that these MAY be legitimate reasons why your ex is telling you there’s no chance of getting back together.
Now, it’s also possible your ex is flat-out lying or simply hiding the real truth to avoiding hurting your feelings, to avoid an argument or a deep discussion about the real issues but it’s also possible there’s some legitimate truth to whatever they’re saying and you should keep that in mind as something you’ll need to address down the road.
Step 2: Don’t Argue With Them
It’s very tempting to defend yourself and lash out at your ex, bringing up all their issues, in an attempt to shut down their criticism, but now is not the time for this.
This is not about winning the argument, it’s about winning their heart.
So getting them to admit that they were wrong, or whining that they hurt your feelings or convincing them that they’re toxic. None of these things are going to help you.
Don’t try to change their mind at this point. There are no productive conversations to be had, much less conversations that end with you two deciding to give it another chance.
You also don’t want to apologize and admit that you were the problem and that you need to be better and that they did nothing wrong.
Listen, take accountability, and—here’s the secret—agree with them that you two shouldn’t get back together.
They’re expecting you to fight them on this so it’s going to really blow their mind to hear you say “you’re right, this isn’t working out. I think we both need some space to work on ourselves.”
RELATED: Exactly What Happens to Your Ex After the Breakup
This is the mature way forward and it’s going to impress your ex to hear you acknowledge the problems between you two, rather than running from the truth. And it’s also going to make them worried.
You see—in many cases—your ex wants you to play a certain role after the breakup.
Breakups are scary because they destroy the narrative we have about ourselves. Just a few weeks or months ago, they saw themselves as someone with a partner who they loved and who they could count on.
Whatever was going on in the world, they knew that they had you by their side. But now what do they have?
They’re all alone in a scary world and they don’t know what’s coming next.
So now they’re forced to create a new narrative so they can find comfort and feel safe again. And one that they’ve chosen is this: they’re the winner of the breakup. They ended things and they rejected your offer to reconcile. They’re leaving you in the dust and bravely moving forward on their own.
But when you agree with them, you destroy this narrative, and suddenly they don’t know how to feel. They think, “maybe I’m not the winner here. Maybe I’m the loser.” And that’s when they’ll see that they made a mistake by rejecting you.
Step 3: Give Them Space
Remember—regardless of your ex’s true feelings towards you—you have to take them at their word. Act like you would if you truly believed that it was over and leave them alone. You both need space right now so that you can process the breakup and get back into a routine.
Now here’s where my advice will differ from what I typically tell people around giving their ex space. I don’t want you to go No Contact right this second. Because if your ex rejects you in this strong way and you immediately stop responding to their messages and block them then you might look upset or petty.
So instead, I want you to stop contacting them in any way but leave the door open for one more conversation from their side. Just ONE more. It doesn’t matter what it’s about. It could be about the weather or their dog, or a movie they saw that reminded them of you. If they reach out to you, you should respond as you would normally.
Just don’t be overly friendly and don’t try to stretch this conversation out. All you’re trying to do here is to show them that there are no hard feelings and that what they said hasn’t bothered you.
And after the conversation has reached its natural end, that is when you want to officially go No Contact with them. If you’ve seen my other videos, you know exactly what I’m talking about. If not, I’ve linked another video down below and in the pop up here for you to check out now.
Step 4: Sidestep The Issue
Once you’ve made it through No Contact and you have started to speak to your ex again, that’s when you have to be most careful. Because that’s when people are going to be most likely to fall into a trap that will destroy the progress they’ve made with their ex.
Because you’ll be tempted to just pick up the conversation where you left off. You’ll want to convince them that they’re wrong and that you did nothing wrong and that you can make it work if they give you a chance. But you’re just opening the door for them to reject you all over again.
Instead, you want to avoid this conversation as best you can. You might have to be a little sneaky. Don’t bring up the relationship, hide your feelings and just try to connect with them without making it all about the past.
If your ex is interested, they’ll actually help you out with this. Because they’ll also want to avoid this potential conflict by pretending that everything is normal. Use this to your advantage, keep things light and flirty and fun.
Eventually, you will have to have serious conversations but there’s no reason to rush into them right now. You have to rebuild the bond first. Start with something completely innocuous and unrelated to your relationship.
Maybe something that your ex will be surprised by or interested in. I’ve made a past video about this — what to say to your ex after No Contact, and how to naturally re-connect and re-build their attraction for you — which you can watch next by clicking here in the corner or the link in the description below.
Step 5: Be Their Friend If Nothing Else Is Working
Typically I don’t recommend being friends with your ex—In fact, I’ve made a whole video about the topic—but it’s possible that you’re in one of the very rare situations that actually makes this a good course of action.
So maybe your ex gets really upset or maybe they keep bringing up the past and bugging you about mistakes you made. Or maybe they repeatedly stonewall you whenever you try to contact them. These are all going to make it hard to even get your foot in the door.
In these cases, being their friend might be your only option. Be careful here and don’t get in too deep but use friendship as an opportunity to open the door and show your ex that you two can spend time together without the world coming to an end.
Consider this a last-resort tactic only. Getting friend-zoned by your ex is usually dangerous, which is why I’m including it here as a “you already tried everything else” strategy.
