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“Why Won’t My Ex Come Back?”

If you miss your ex, it can be extremely painful when they won’t come back to you.

I’ll explain why your ex won’t come back and what you can do about it.

Whether you’re in an on again-off again relationship or this is your first breakup with this person, and even if you’ve talked about it with your ex and expressed your feelings and they STILL won’t give you another chance… I’m here to help.

The truth is, for most of these problems, there is a solution. But we have to get specific here. I’m going to go through five possible scenarios and tell you WHY your ex won’t come back and how to change their mind. Now if you’re in any of the first four of these scenarios you do have a serious chance of getting your ex back if you do the right thing…but if you fall under number 5 then you need to think about moving on.

Situation #1 – You and your ex recently broke up and you haven’t spoken to them very much since.

If you and your ex just broke up a few days or weeks ago, don’t be dismayed. The fact that your ex hasn’t come running back to you at this point means absolutely NOTHING negative about your chances of getting back together.

In fact, it could actually help you in the long run. You see, in some cases an ex will renege on the breakup a few days after dumping you because they can’t handle the sadness they’re feeling and feel compelled to do whatever it takes to make that feeling go away.

In cases like this, it can be that once the dust settles, they realize that nothing has changed and they’re still unhappy in the relationship.

That’s why time apart is VITAL because it gives you both a chance to process your feelings and improve yourselves.

So don’t despair now. Instead of waiting by the phone for your ex, spend this time improving yourself so that you’ll be a better partner to your ex when you ultimately reconnect. I’ll talk more on that later.

Situation #2 – You’re in an “on again-off again” relationship but things are different this time.

If you’ve broken up several times before but you can’t seem to stay away from each other, it can be hard to figure out your status. Is it really over or if this is just another bump in the road? If your ex just won’t come back this time, then you may have your answer.

In this situation, your ex may not be angry or even upset, but just tired of the constant yoyo your relationship has turned into. They don’t want to give things another try because they know that it’s just going to end up the same way again.

Stop me if this sounds familiar: you’re together, and everything seems great. Then conflict rears its ugly head. You get into an argument. It starts small but soon escalates into insults and ultimatums.

One of you storms out, vowing to never talk to the other again. A few weeks pass while you both lick your wounds… and then you or your ex decides you can’t live without the other, so you reach out and reconcile.

The issue itself is never really dealt with, but you’re so happy to be back in their arms that it doesn’t seem to matter.

This pattern can only repeat itself so many times until the negativity of the breakups starts to outweigh the positivity that the relationship brings… And that’s where you find yourself now.

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You need to change your approach if you want different results. I can tell you how to get your ex back but I think you’d be better served figuring out what it is that keeps coming between the two of you.

Look at the source of these fights. Is there a common issue that keeps cropping up? Often it will seem like all these fights are about different things, but if you look deeper, there is an underlying problem that’s causing this conflict. Maybe it’s jealousy, unwillingness to commit, etc…

Either way, the fact that it keeps escalating to the point of breaking up suggests you need to look at HOW you communicate with each other. It’s healthy to have conflict in a relationship but it shouldn’t reach these extremes.

Maybe you don’t know how to admit that you’ve made a mistake and always turn it around on your ex. Or maybe you don’t take criticism well.

It’s also possible that one or both of you feels like your concerns are being invalidated, or your needs are going unmet. When this happens, resentment starts to build and this can be the source of more frequent and more intense fights.

As you can see, there are a lot of problems that can result in this on-again-off-again pattern and it’s important to address these issues when things are calm if you want to break the cycle.

But remember–and this is important–these conversations are best had when the two of you are securely back together. You don’t want to bring up things like this and risk another fight until you’re in a good place again.

You MUST avoid any kind of drama or serious discussions with your ex if you’re trying to get a second chance with the… BUT, once you’re back together, you need to break the cycle and address the root cause of your breakups.

Situation #3 – You broke up awhile ago and you’ve lost touch.

If you and your ex broke up awhile back and have drifted apart and lost touch, then it’s no wonder that they’re not coming back to you. This is a pretty common situation, and while it would be nice if your ex would just call you up out of the blue, wanting you back, it’s not very common.

And this doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve moved on and no longer want you. They very likely still think about you often and might even be wishing YOU would come back to THEM.

In this case, you’re going to need to make the first move if you want your ex back.

First off, don’t come on too strong here. Start by sending your ex a non-threatening message, just to remind them you’re still alive and to gauge their interest. Something funny or memorable that will make them crack a smile when they read it.

If they respond favorably, you can start to flirt a little and build rapport. Don’t push for an in person meeting right away, and don’t stretch the conversation out for too long. At this point it’s all about rebuilding the connection you once had.

Situation #4 – You two have talked about getting back together but your ex isn’t interested.

If you and your ex have had the conversations about getting back together and they’re unwilling, then it can feel hopeless. But the truth is, you’ve already made a big mistake.

As I mentioned earlier, you shouldn’t have heavy conversations with your ex before the two of you have started seeing each other again. If you come out of the gate by asking them if they want you back, their first instinct will usually be to run away.

Likewise, if you put the focus on your breakup, and how you’re sorry for what happened and how you’ve changed, you’re just reminding them of all the baggage that is tied to the relationship.

RELATED: Why Your Ex Takes So Long To Text You Back

This kind of negativity is WHY they won’t give you another chance. The same person can be coaxed into giving you a second chance with a slightly different approach.

Like in scenario #3, you need to come at them in a non-threatening manner. Instead of making big proclamations, or dredging up old conflicts, simply try to build rapport, make them laugh and remind them of the connection you two once had.

Keep things light and breezy for now and show them that a message from you won’t mean a big discussion about the relationship or your past.

Situation #5 – You’ve been apart for a long time and your ex is in a serious relationship or married.

If a significant amount of time has passed since your breakup that’s going to seriously hurt your chances. As time passes, not only do people drift apart emotionally, but they actually start to become different people. In this case–while I’m sure you really miss your ex–they’re actually no longer the same person you fell in love with.

On top of that, if your ex has moved on and started a serious relationship that’s lasted longer than a year, then chances are they’re no longer interested in pursuing anything with you. I won’t say it’s never happened but it’s going to be an uphill battle. And to make it happen you’d either have to wait until the relationship is over or actively break them up, which is something I STRONGLY advise against.

If this is the situation you find yourself in, you should start to seriously consider moving on and finding a new relationship.

Things To Remember When Your Ex Isn’t Coming Back To You

If it feels like your ex is completely out of your reach, it can be hard to keep calm, but that’s the most important thing right now. Many people in your situation, thinking they had no chance, have ruined their chances by overreacting.

That can look like spamming your ex with messages, falling into a depression, begging for a second chance or even being cruel to your ex.

Avoiding these mistakes will instantly improve your chances. So remember: staying calm should be your NUMBER ONE priority right now.

Another thing that people think when their ex won’t come back is that their ex has totally moved on and no longer thinks about them at all–or worse–actively hates them. The truth is that often your ex will ACT like they no longer care about you BECAUSE they really do care. They think that if they let you in a little bit then they won’t be able to resist getting back together and so they pretend that they’ve moved on to avoid taking the risk.

I know it still hurts but don’t make the mistake of thinking that your ex doesn’t care about you at all. That’s almost never the case. They do miss you and care about you.

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When you’re in a situation like this, it feels impossible to stop thinking about your ex. But you absolutely need to shift your focus OFF of your ex and onto your life as a whole. I know that you want your ex back but the more pressure you put on yourself and your ex, the less likely it will be that you get the result you want.

So look at your life and ask yourself what you can do to improve it…outside of getting your ex back, obviously. You have a unique opportunity right now that you won’t have once you and your ex are back together: you have time to really get things on track.

What are some goals you’ve been letting go by the wayside? Which aspects of your life need attention? Your work? your social life? Your fitness? All of the above?

Focusing on these other parts of your life will actually help you get your ex back. First, it will help put your relationship into perspective. You’ll see that you do have other things going on besides the breakup.

Second, it will improve your mood and get you out of depression. And third, it will give you new confidence that your ex will notice when you two start to reconnect.