Let’s talk about No Contact and what it does to your ex’s mind.
No Contact is a powerful technique for winning back an ex.
Not only does it help you process the breakup and increase your confidence, it has an even bigger impact on your ex’s mind.
This is, after all, the primary reason that we do No Contact. If you’re trying to reconnect with your ex, you have to change how they’re feeling about you, themselves, and the relationship. You can’t do this by being their friend. You can’t do it through begging and pleading, and you certainly can’t do it with a “convincing” argument.
The only real way to change your ex’s mind is through No Contact. By removing yourself from their life for around a month, you’ll start to completely reshape their mental state to make them more receptive to your contact, and your natural charm.
Now, this all assumes that you do No Contact right. That means ACTUALLY doing it. I’ve had plenty of clients telling me that No Contact didn’t work for them, only to then admit that they’re still liking their ex’s posts on Instagram, texting occasionally, or even sleeping with them every night. No Contact means NO contact. If you want more details on how it works and how to do it, check out this article.
So with all that aside, let’s talk about what your ex is thinking during No Contact. Before we get into it, I will say that it will likely be hard to tell that your ex is feeling these feelings because, of course, you won’t be in contact with your ex. And at the same time, you’ll probably see your ex looking just fine on social media.
I need you to remember that social media is about trying to construct a specific narrative. Your ex is trying to make YOU specifically feel like they’re just fine, that they’re moving on with their life and that they’re not sad without you. They don’t want to appear weak. But this is all just a smokescreen. Here’s how they’re really feeling…
1. Your ex is surprised
This is going to be their first reaction when you go No Contact. Your ex doesn’t expect you to cut all contact with them after the breakup, especially if they were the one who ended it. In most breakups, there continues to be a drip of contact every now and then. This helps soothe the emotions of both parties.
But that is exactly what we don’t want right now. If you continue to stay in contact with your ex, you’re giving them a little emotional boost every time you reach out or respond to a message. While it’s going to be tinged with sadness, on the whole it will be a net benefit to their mental state because it will give them the feeling that everything will, ultimately, be okay.
You don’t want your ex to feel this way if you want them back. You don’t owe them this kind of emotional support and if you give it to them, you’re only helping them get over you.
Still, because you two were so close for so long, they expect it. Now, when you deny them your contact and seemingly “move on”–or at least take steps to cut them out of your life–they’re going to be shocked. They may think you’re being a little rude, but they’ll quickly realize that this was their choice and now that you two are broken up, they can’t expect you to spend time talking to them.
Another way you’re upending their expectations is through your own mental state. They expect you to be extremely bummed out following the breakup. They think you’ll mope around, cry and just generally fall into a deep depression. After all, they were the love of your life, weren’t they?
When you DON’T react this way, they may say that they’re glad. They want you to be happy and to move on. But a huge part of them–a part that they’d never reveal–is actually upset that you don’t seem more affected by the breakup.
By acting in ways that don’t match their expectations, you can only win bonus points with your ex. See, they have a version of you in their head. This is the version of you that they’ve built up over the time they’ve spent with you. And, obviously, if you’re reading this, that version of you is not someone that they want to be with.
When you upend their expectations, you’re showing them that you’re not the person they thought. You’re full of surprises and, maybe, if they give you another chance, you’ll be able to give them a different life than they thought.
2. Your ex is intrigued about how you’ve changed
As I’ve said, by going No Contact, you’re showing your ex that you’re not who they thought you were. They’re going to be impressed by your ability to move forward and not dwell on the relationship. They’ll wish that they could do the same.
This shows them that you have self confidence and self respect. It shows them that you have discipline and that you’re willing to make sacrifices.
But, as always, No Contact goes far beyond just cutting your ex off. If you’re really following the steps I lay out here, you’ll spend this time away from your ex improving yourself and your life.
If you don’t know where to start, simply take stock of your life and think about what could be improved. This can be anything from improving your fitness, to getting ahead at work, to starting a new hobby.
Think about it, we all have areas of our life that we aren’t happy with. The No Contact period provides you with more time than you had when you were dating this person. Don’t let it go to waste. If you just sit around and mope, you’re actively working against getting your ex back.
I recommend setting goals here. It’s great to say “I want to improve my fitness” but that’s pretty vague so it can become overwhelming when you don’t know where to start. A better way to go about it is to say “I want to run a 10k race” or even “I want to hike for an hour without getting winded.” These are measurable goals, meaning that you’ll know when you’ve reached them.
Now I don’t recommend doing these things JUST to impact your ex, but they will have a major effect on how they see you.
Just remember, you’re in No Contact, so don’t go calling up your ex to tell them that you nailed that presentation at work or increased your max bench by 50 pounds. Instead, let the results speak for themselves. Or…if you want more direct results, you can post about it on social media. Social media is a GREAT way to surreptitiously share things with your ex without breaking No Contact.
Still, don’t overdo it. If you keep posting about how well you’re doing and how great your life is, your ex will be able to tell that you’re covering up how you really feel.
3. Your ex is angry
When you go No Contact, your ex may become quite angry at you. Don’t worry, this is not going to hurt your chances of getting them back. In fact, it can often help you in the long run. You see, anger is not a sign that your ex no longer wants you. It’s actually the opposite.
If your ex is angry at you, it’s because they’re still invested in the relationship.
Now, there are plenty of reasons that your ex may be angry at you that will not actually help your chances. For instance, maybe you cheated on them, stole from them, lied or slept with their best friend. In these cases, this anger is warranted and the things you did could very well make it impossible to ever regain their trust and start again.
But if the thing they’re angry about is you going No Contact, this is a positive sign. Because, really, how can they justify being upset that you no longer are interested in talking to them since the breakup. This is a natural part of breakups. You don’t break up and then stay in contact forever. What they’re really mad at is the fact that it seems like you’re moving on faster than they are. This hurts them because they want you to fall apart without them and beg for a second chance.
So really, this anger isn’t truly anger at all. This anger is actually masking their true feelings…
4. Your ex is experiencing a deep depression and sadness
Yes, of course, your ex is feeling sad right now. They just had a breakup with someone they loved and cared about. They had a lot invested in your relationship.
The decision to end it–whether it was theirs, yours, or a mutual decision–was a very difficult one to make and came with a lot of emotional fallout.
Now that you’ve gone No Contact, they realize that they have no one to rely on for emotional support and that you may truly be gone from their life forever.
These factors will have a huge impact on their mental health. They will most likely fall into a deep depression. They’ll struggle to get out of bed and live their life. They will have difficulty engaging with work or school and their thoughts will turn to you and the life you had together.
Their habits will become more self destructive as they seek any sort of remedy for this pain and this will only cause them to slide deeper into the hole.
Of course, this is very sad. I know you don’t want to hurt your ex. You love them. You wish you could just take that pain away from them even if that means breaking No Contact and destroying any chance you had with them.
Well the truth is, that you can’t help them anymore. Now that you’ve broken up, you’re no longer that person who was able to lift their spirits and cheer them up after a bad day. This early into the breakup, you’re just another reminder of the life they’ve lost.
And don’t forget, you’re suffering right now too. You don’t have the emotional bandwidth to save them from themselves anymore. You need to focus on your own healing and that will only be interrupted by trying to help your ex.
On top of this, as harsh as this may sound, you don’t actually want to help your ex right now. If you want them back, you want them to really feel the sting of your absence from their life. They need to know that your presence was a good thing that they were taking for granted.
Now that you’re gone, they may not be able to get through this darkness alone. But there is one way out for them: getting back together with you.
5. Your ex is experiencing FOMO or fear of missing out
Have you ever gone to a party that you didn’t want to because your friends were all going? Have you ever gone on a vacation you couldn’t really afford because you didn’t want to miss out on the experience? Then you’ve felt the fear of missing out.
FOMO is a very real phenomenon that makes us do some crazy things. It can make you act in ways that you know you shouldn’t, like wasting money, staying out too late, and–in some extreme cases–even cheating on your partner.
Yes, we can all fall prey to the feeling that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and it can make us do whatever it takes to find out, even your ex.
After a breakup, you and your ex’s lives start to diverge. If you lead an exciting life without them, they’re going to start to experience a powerful sense that they’re missing out on good times.
They know that you’re doing all sorts of exciting things with your friends and family without them. If the two of you were still together then they would have been invited. The only thing keeping them from this exciting life is their choice not to get back together with you.
To maximize this feeling in your ex—which is something you should definitely want—you need to make an effort to get out there, have fun and do exciting things that you know will make them jealous.
Now is the time to take that vacation. Now is the time to attend that big concert or festival. Now is the time to climb that mountain that you’ve always talked about. It will make your ex crazy with desire for you, even if they don’t admit it.
This will be especially true when you go No Contact. Now they can’t even hear about the things you did directly. They have to glean information from social media and what mutual friends are saying about your escapades.
Without a complete picture of what you’re doing, your ex is going to have to fill in the gaps themselves and this will make them even more intrigued, more jealous and more full of FOMO.
But not only are they missing out on all the fun things that you’re doing, they’re missing out on being with you, the one they love. This is especially true if you’ve managed to improve yourself after the breakup. They’ll see this new version of you and wonder what else they’re missing out on by choosing to stay away.
This feeling can, and has, resulted in many couples getting back together after just a short time apart.
You were your ex’s companion through the difficulties of life. I don’t care how strong their support system is, now that you’re gone, they’re going to feel lonely. This loneliness feels like a big empty spot inside them, like something important is missing from their life.
People seek out romantic love because they feel it’s essential. Love is one of the biggest driving factors for most people. Having that special person by our side just feels right, and not having them feels wrong. This is a huge part of what it means to be human.
Now that it’s gone, your ex is going to feel a huge emptiness that they won’t be able to fill. Maybe they’ll think about dating again. Maybe they’ll even go on a few dates.
But while dating can be exciting and fun, it takes time to really build a relationship with someone new and it’s impossible to do this effectively right after a significant breakup.
So if your ex does decide to go on dates, it will most likely make them feel even worse than they did before. They won’t be able to get your face out of their mind the whole time.
A good relationship is like an anchor in a chaotic world. Without you, your ex is now lost and confused. This lost feeling can be the most difficult and destabilizing of all. In many cases this is what will ultimately bring them back.
7. They’ll feel worthless
Our sense of self worth comes from many sources: our career, our potential, our skills, and our interpersonal relationships. So when a big, important relationship falls apart–whether it’s overnight or more suddenly–we can be left feeling like we lack value.
The truth is that our real worth comes from being a person in the world and can’t be taken from us by a breakup, no matter how bad. But–as I’m sure you know–there’s a difference between knowing this and actually feeling it.
So there’s a good chance that your ex is feeling like they have no value right now. They think that they’re unloveable. Not only does it seem like no one wants them, but that–even if they were wanted– they wouldn’t know how to create a relationship that lasts with another person.
So I think it’s safe to say that your ex is feeling some pretty negative emotions right now. And not only do they feel bad, but they feel confused. Their mental state changes from minute to minute and they’re under a lot of stress.
As I’ve said, it sucks to know that someone you care about is feeling this way, but at the same time, the fact that they’re feeling these feelings is going to help you get them back.
Now, it may be tempting to run to your ex and hold them in your arms to try to make them feel better. It may also be tempting to use this knowledge of their mental state to manipulate them into getting back together with you.
Neither of these approaches are going to help you win them back. You may be able to make your ex feel better, for a time, but you can’t shield them from these feelings forever. All you’ll do is confuse the situation and effectively help them get over you by providing them with a shoulder to cry on.
And manipulation won’t work either. Since your ex’s mental state is so delicate right now, they’re going to shift from wanting you more than anything one minute, to hating your guts the next. This isn’t conducive to building a healthy relationship.
Instead, use this new knowledge as motivation to keep going with No Contact. Know that your ex is processing a lot right now, but as time goes on, their negative feelings towards you are going to fade away and the amount they miss you will only get stronger, up to a point.
That’s why I recommend stopping No Contact after around 30 days or so. It’s near that 30 day mark that your ex will miss you the most. Trust me, I’ve helped tens of thousands of people in similar situations and that’s really the sweet spot when it comes to reconnecting with an ex.
So stay strong, keep your head up and keep pushing forward with No Contact. I know it’s difficult but it’s always worth it in the end.
I hope I’ve given you some insight into your ex’s thoughts and feelings during this difficult time. Remember, as hard as it is to know that your ex is suffering, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. Because the real secret is, you’re most likely feeling all the same things that your ex is right now.