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Should You Let Your Ex Come To You?

If you’re looking to get your ex back, you may have been told that you should just wait and let them come to you.

Is this a good idea?

Will your ex come back without you having to do anything at all?

Yes… waiting for your ex to come to you is a great strategy, but no, you shouldn’t count on this alone if you want them back. Let me explain.

I’ve seen so many different situations where couples get back together. One of the most desirable scenarios is when your ex comes back without you having to do anything at all.

When To Let Your Ex Come To You

I think it’s pretty obvious why this would be preferable to actively pursuing your ex. It avoids conflict, it gets you the result you want without having to risk anything, and it feels very gratifying.

But there’s another huge benefit that many people don’t consider…when your ex dumped you, they created a massive inequality in the relationship. Now if you two do get back together you’re still going to feel unwanted and unappreciated for a long time because they were willing to throw away you and the relationship. This creates a dynamic where you feel “lesser” and that makes it hard to have an equal partnership.

But when your ex comes back of their own accord, apologizes and admits that they took you for granted, this goes a long way towards healing this split as well as your self esteem.

So this is a very desirable outcome, but is it realistic? Does it work? Well first off, let’s talk about some situations where you absolutely should wait and let your ex come to you.… or at least wait a SIGNIFICANT amount of time before contacting them.

1. You smothered them

Was one of the reasons your relationship ended that you wanted more closeness than your ex did? Did you impose yourself on their life? Did you eat up their time and invade their privacy?

Often people who act this way will ruin any chance they had with their exes by continuing to pursue them and pester them after the breakup.

If you ever crossed the line with this behaviour–or your ex said that they felt like you were smothering them–then letting them come to you is the best approach you can take. They need to know that you respect their boundaries and that you’re willing to let them have their own space.

RELATED: I Hate My Ex But I Want Them Back

In this situation, your ex may realize how important you are to them now that you’ve given them a chance to breathe. If they do come back to you, don’t forget this…make sure you address your clingy, needy behaviour or it will become a problem all over again.

2. They blocked you

Whether your ex has blocked your number or blocked you on social media, this is a clear indicator that they need space from you. I’m not saying that letting them come to you is guaranteed in this scenario (or really any scenario) but here it is really your only option.

If you continue to pursue them then you’re only going to justify their decision to break up with you. You may think you’re being romantic but the fact that they felt they NEEDED to block you tells me that you’re actually pushing too hard and scaring them off. You don’t want to be that person.

You could end up destroying any love your ex has left for you…you could even end up with a restraining order.

Take a breath, take a step back and let your ex heal from the breakup. Only then will they potentially be open to speaking to you again.

3. You already tried to win them back and failed

If you’ve tried to reach out to your ex after a breakup and have met with little to no success then you’ll need to consider letting them come to you. Honestly, winning your ex back can be very tricky. Above all else, you want to avoid applying pressure to your ex.

Chances are your ex knows what you want when you reach out to them, regardless of how cool you think you’re being. Hopefully they’re willing to entertain the idea of talking to you or even meeting in person… Just know that the more you press them for an answer about getting back together, the more likely that answer is going to be no.

If you’ve already gone through this process and they’ve pulled away again–whether or not they explicitly told you why–then your best bet right now is to give them space and let them come to you.

4. They’re a man

If your ex is a guy, then this is often the best approach to take. Men are more likely to regret their decision to break up and try to reach out to their ex after time has passed. Studies show that men view their exes more fondly and also take longer to get over past partners than women do.

It’s unclear why this is. Some say that men struggle to process the breakup or that men will end a relationship more hastily and then regret it. Whatever the reason, if your ex is male then letting him come to you is the right move. And it has the added benefit of letting him feel like he’s the one in control which is something many men crave.

But whether or not you fit these criteria you can, and should, give your ex the opportunity to come to you, at least for a period of time after the breakup. It’s best to give your ex space so that they have a chance to process their feelings and allow some of the negative feelings to fade.

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Many people find this time apart to be impossible. They’re unable to deal with these feelings of loss and loneliness so they’ll run back to their ex to stop the pain. But if you can hold out then it’ll often be your ex who breaks first.

If you’re worried about your ex forgetting about you during this time apart, don’t be. Most people take at least a few months to seriously move on after the end of a significant relationship.

Adopt This Mindset While You Pursue Your Ex

Now if some time has passed and your ex still isn’t taking the bait, you should start taking steps to win them back. But that doesn’t mean you should change your mindset. You still need to allow them to come to you. Let me explain.

What I mean is that you need to give the space to pursue you as well as pursuing them. Don’t be aggressive. Don’t fill up every space in conversation and don’t force the issue of the relationship.

Basically, you need to let them set the pace. They’re understandably a bit squeamish about reconnecting with you. Either they’re conflicted about the breakup or they’re embarrassed about making the wrong decision. But at the same time they’re excited to hear from you because they do genuinely miss you.

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You need to capitalize on this conflict… Be a safe place for them to come without expectations and tough conversations… you need to aim for non-threatening. This is going to be difficult and uncomfortable at times.

I know that you just wish you could get this over with and have them back in your life and in your arms but if you try to rush them then they’re going to feel threatened and run away. They’ve proven that they’re willing to break things off with you so don’t be surprised if they do it again.

And more than that, this approach is about creating a mindset of abundance. Repeat after me:

“They need me, I don’t need them.”

If you can believe this then things will work out the way you want them to. Remember you’re valuable, you have other options and they’d be lucky if you decided to give them another chance.

I know this can feel a little silly but if you can make yourself think this way then you’re going to have much more success…and the first step to thinking this way is to pretend you think this way. Fake it til you make it.

When You Should NOT Wait For Your Ex

Now there are a few situations where you should NOT let your ex come to you and instead reach out to them first. I’ll go over them quickly here:

1. You dumped them

If you broke up with your ex then they’re going to be under the impression that you don’t want to be with them so they’re not likely to reach out. They can’t read your mind.

2. You said you needed time

If you told your ex you need time and space then they’re likely going to respect that. In this case, they’re waiting for you to make the first move.

3. They’re very stubborn

If your ex is a stubborn person who hates to admit they made a mistake then unfortunately you’re going to have to be the one to break the silence. You’ll know this is the case if they turned everything into a fight, hated to apologize and always had to be in control.

4. Either of you was emotionally distant

If you or your ex could be described as distant then there’s likely a pretty big gulf between you two now that you’ve broken up. It’s going to take more than time to repair that. You’ll need to take steps to reconnect with them rather than just sit and wait.