So you want your ex back and are wondering if writing a letter might be the answer.
I’m here to tell you why you, most likely, should not send your ex this kind of letter if you want them back.
There are, of course, a few exceptions that I’ll discuss here.
You Shouldn’t Send Your Ex A Letter To Get Them Back
First, let’s define what we mean by “letter”. I’m talking about anything longer than a couple of paragraphs — anything that would be too long for a text message.
So, this could mean sending your ex a long email, an old school paper letter in the mail, or a really long FB message… any kind of longer, more heartfelt letter to your ex that’s intended to apologize, explain what went wrong, ask for closure, beg for another chance, tell them how much you love them, etc.
So basically, we’re not talking about sending your ex a 2-sentence joke through text message here.
Now, I need say that in 95% or more of all breakup situations — you don’t need to send your ex this kind of letter.
In fact, whether you want your ex back or not, it’s just typically a bad idea that won’t work or will do more harm than good.
Yes, there are a couple of situations where you CAN consider this kind of letter to try and get your ex to come back… and I’ll talk about those few specific scenarios in more detail in a second. But for the vast majority of you reading this right now, you should NOT send your ex a letter.
If you happen to think your situation could be the exception and warrant this kind of letter, please sign up for my 1-on-1 coaching BEFORE you send it to get a second opinion. I’ll help you make sure the letter will actually help your cause.
Why You SHOULDN’T Send Your Ex A Letter
Now, briefly, there’s a few reasons you don’t want to send your ex a letter. Firstly, it reeks of desperation. By taking the time to think about what you want to say, write it all down in a letter, and then send it to your ex… you’re basically exhibiting needy, unnattractive vibes and kind of making yourself look a bit pathetic. It’s a desperation move, and your ex will see that in a lot of cases.
Secondly, you don’t win back your ex by telling them how much you love them or explaining what you think went wrong in your relationship.
What makes your ex take you back is ATTRACTION… they need to WANT to be around you, and a serious 10 page rambling letter about your past relationship’s problems doesn’t make them want you.
It confirms that they’ve made the right decision to stay broken up. Making your ex laugh, smile… flirting with them, building sexual tension… these are the kinds of things that will change your ex’s mind and make them beg to have you back.
Lastly, it usually just reminds your ex of the problems that led to the breakup by focusing their attention on those issues again. If you’re apologizing for something you did in a letter to your ex, for example, that’s fine… but it’s going to remind them what you did that necessitated an apology.
You want them to forget that stuff and let go of the negative memories. If you explain how things will be different if they give you another chance, that’s also fine — but they’ve probably heard it before, and once again it’s another case of trying to use logic and reasoning to talk your way back into your ex’s heart when you really just need to tap into their emotions and re-build real, organic attraction.
When Should You Send Your Ex A Letter
Now, what are the rare situations where you CAN or SHOULD send your ex a letter? Well, there’s only 2 scenarios where a letter might work or at least isn’t likely to do any harm.
#1 – As an absolute last-ditch effort when you’ve tried everything else and can’t find it within yourself to just let your ex go without spilling your guts.
I absolutely do not recommend this most of the time, but some people just can’t let their ex go until they lay out all their cards on the table in a final last-ditch hail mary. If you get to this point, your odds of actually getting them back are basically zero already anyway, so you have little to lose.
Really, it’s as much about helping you close the chapter and move on knowing you tried your best. I’m sorry if this is the kind of situation you’re in currently, but most of you probably still have plenty of hope left, so you’re not even close to this kind of last-ditch desperation tactic yet… and of course if you want to find out your chances of ever getting them back, take my free quiz.
#2 – When you need to use my CLEAN SLATE template.
Maybe you’ve heard me talk about the Clean Slate message in already… and this is something I cover in detail in my Ex Factor program, so please grab a copy if you’re considering sending a Clean Slate message to your ex at BreakupBrad.com before you actually send it. You need to combine this strategy with other stuff like No Contact and do it properly, or it may end up doing more harm than good.
Essentially, the Clean Slate message is something you’d send to your ex in an attempt to undo past mistakes you’ve already made since the breakup… most often, excessive begging and pleading or overly clingy and desperate behaviour.
The Clean Slate message is an admission that you handled the breakup poorly previously, you will respect your ex’s space and decision to break up, and that you’re actually doing great now and even seeing the positive sides of the breakup.
It’s a way to subtly change how your ex thinks about you and your value by being honest and doing a 180º turn on your approach and attitude. If done properly, this letter can really surprise your ex and build some intrigue, and it also adds some pressure and urgency to things for your ex.
If you want to see my example Clean Slate message templates, again, please sign up for my Ex Factor program. It’s backed by a 60-day money back guarantee. You can also try to craft your own Clean Slate message if you for some reason don’t want to sign up for The Ex Factor program, but keep a few things in mind:
#1 – this is a desperation tactic designed for people who have already made serious mistakes with their ex since breaking up, and need to take action to undo the damage from those mistakes by changing their ex’s mind and ‘wiping the slate clean’ to start the process of re-attracting them from scratch. It’s not going to be a good idea for most people, especially if you haven’t made major mistakes like repeatedly begging and pleading your ex.
#2 – it should be as friendly but brief and concise as possible. No rambling, no gigantic page-long blocks of text, no overly flowery language or poems or compliments.. It’s just intended to show your ex you’ve changed, you won’t beg or plead or bother them anymore, and drop a hint or 2 to clearly show how well you’re doing now and how you’re getting over them. This adds urgency to the situation for your ex by showing them you’re moving on and they may not have you available as a backup plan if they don’t ask to get back together soon.
#3 – if you need to apologize, just do it once in a meaningful and heartfelt way. Be specific about what you’re apologizing for, maybe explain that the breakup had initially been hard for you, hence your past mistakes like begging or pestering them… and then don’t mention it again. Make it a positive sounding message in general, without bringing up drama or past problems in your relationship… sound upbeat and focus on positives and moving forward.
#4 – don’t expect a reply, and if you do get a reply, don’t immediately treat it as an immediate signal you can start contacting your ex frequently again or stop exhibiting the ‘new you’ that you describe in the Clean Slate letter.
#5 – don’t use the Clean Slate letter unless you know what you’re doing. In fact, don’t send your ex a letter of any kind unless you’re really sure it’ll help you get them back…. Or if you really don’t care anymore and you have nothing to lose. In any other situation, please sign up for my coaching first before you send any letters to your ex… because 99% of the time my clients tell me about a letter they sent to their ex, it wasn’t a good idea and backfired on them. If they’d either decided NOT to send a letter at all, or signed up for my coaching or my Ex Factor program, they could’ve avoided making such a damaging mistake.
So, hopefully you guys now realize that most of the time you shouldn’t send your ex a letter. No love letters, poems, or spilling your heart out on pen and paper. If you need to write something to your ex, generally only do it for your own purposes… don’t actually send it to them. Even if you don’t ever want your ex back — or you think there’s no chance anymore — most of the time it doesn’t achieve what you’re hoping it will.