The thing about avoidants is that they can’t handle conflict, intimacy, and vulnerability.
But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be loved and desired.
In fact, one of the biggest reasons that they DO avoid intimacy is because they’re afraid to be rejected by someone who really knows them.
So they freeze you out, stay stoic and run away before that can happen. And once you understand this, you can actually use this same principle to drive your avoidant ex crazy with desire for you.
When it comes down to it, rejection is one of the most powerful tools that you can apply if you want your ex back.
But when I tell my clients this, I get a lot of pushback. So I thought I’d answer the questions that I get most often when I bring up this idea.
Number one: “Isn’t my ex perfectly happy being alone without me now that they’ve ended the relationship?”
This is one of the most common misconceptions about an avoidant ex. The avoidant ends the relationship not to get away from you, but to get away from the intimacy that you represent.
They did the same thing inside the relationship as well. When things got too close, they were suddenly absent.
But even though it was their choice to pull away from you, they’re actually really lonely without you.
This is one of the paradoxes about avoidance. And it’s something that will become clear to them only when you’re actually out of the picture.
They’ll see that their life without you isn’t happy and carefree. It’s empty. And this is why your rejection is going to hit them harder than anything.
The second question I get about rejection is a practical one. Basically, “So should I just call up my ex and tell them that it’s over?”
And I’m sure I don’t have to tell most of you that that’s not really going to work.
I mean imagine you break up with someone and then a couple weeks later they tell you that it’s over. You’d be confused. Or it might even make you laugh. You wouldn’t feel rejected. You’d feel pity.
Which brings us to the final question here: how can you reject someone who has already rejected you?
I get it, it’s a tricky thing to understand but it’s not only possible, it’s really the only path forward if you want your ex back.
You need to thoroughly reject them for a period of time in a few different ways.
I won’t lie to you, it’s going to be difficult to force yourself to do this stuff because it feels like you’re working against your ultimate goal of getting back together but let’s face it: whatever you’re doing right now, it isn’t working. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.
So whether you’re just waiting for your ex to text you, whether you’re liking old photos on instagram or sending them messages in the middle of the night whether you’re sleeping with them or calling them up to talk on the phone. It’s all a waste of time if you want your ex back.
In fact, it’s worse than a waste of time. You’re actually pushing your ex away and helping them to get over you the more you continue down this path.
Let’s talk about what you need to do instead.
How To Reject Your Avoidant Ex
So we already talked about how you shouldn’t just call up your ex and reject them.
It doesn’t work and it doesn’t make any sense.
Instead, you need to reject them with your actions rather than your words.
#1. Reject Their Breadcrumbs
After a breakup, an ex—especially an avoidant ex—is going to try to keep the relationship alive in small ways. This is just further evidence that your ex doesn’t actually want to get away from you. They just want a lot of distance and to feel like they’re in control of the connection.
So they’ll send you messages here and there. They’ll flirt with you a bit and lead you on, only to disappear whenever they feel like it. They’ll like your photos, they’ll keep tabs on you and they’ll check in at important moments like birthdays and holidays.
Do NOT give into these manipulations by your ex. Because that’s exactly what they are—manipulations. They may not know that that’s what they’re doing. They may think that they’re just being friendly or that they genuinely miss you and want to talk to you and that’s true on some level.
But subconsciously, they’re trying to set up the relationship on their terms so that they can have access to you whenever they want without offering you anything in return.
RELATED: What REALLY Happens to Your Ex During No Contact
That’s why you need to reject these breadcrumbs from your ex. And you can do that in two ways. First off, you need to stop reciprocating. So don’t try to hit them up the same way that they’re hitting you up.
If you’ve already been down this path, you’ve probably noticed that they rarely respond in the way you want them to. Whenever they message you, it’s easier to have a regular conversation but when you send the first message, they act cold and indifferent.
So you need to give them that same treatment. Keep your distance. Don’t message them first. Don’t hit them up on their birthday or ask them how they’re doing. Don’t stalk them on social media.
And the second way you reject your ex’s breadcrumbs is in how you respond.
So you can’t ever give them the sense that you’ve been waiting for their message, that you’re super happy to hear from them or that you’re interested in continuing the conversation at least for a significant period of time after the breakup.
They need to feel that distance from you to really feel rejected and if you keep being friendly and approachable, they’ll never feel that.
You want them to wonder why you’re icing them out, ask themselves what they did to deserve it. They’ll think “oh no, they must be angry at me” or even better, they’ll think you must be moving on.
#2. Reject Contact
Yes, I’m going to talk about No Contact because it really is the way to make an avoidant feel rejected after the breakup.
For those of you living under a rock, No Contact is the idea that you need to cut off contact with your ex suddenly and completely after a breakup.
This means no contact of any kind with your ex for a significant period of time. Typically, around 30 days is the sweet spot, but avoidant exes sometimes take a little more time to get the message.
No Contact works so well because there’s no mistaking the message it’s sending.
And it works because almost any kind of contact sends the opposite message.
No matter how much you tell your ex that you hate them, that you’re over them, and that you never want to see them again as long as you’re still talking to them regularly, it’s obvious that you still have a lingering connection.
No Contact severs this link in a major way that feels really painful for an avoidant.
It shows them that they can’t keep you at arm’s length as a backup plan, as a source of validation and amusement, or as intimacy on demand to come back to whenever they feel lonely.
No Contact is the most powerful way to reject your ex and you need to make use of it if you really want them to feel that rejection and start chasing after you.
#3. Reject Offers of Friendship
After a No Contact period, you may find that your avoidant ex is reaching out to you again, and one of the most common approaches they’ll take is that they want to be friends.
They’ll say you should “hang out sometime and catch up.” They’ll suggest a group outing with mutual friends. They’ll use words like “platonic” or “just as friends”.
Do not fall into this trap with your avoidant ex.
Remember, they want the kind of distant connection that friendship brings.
Because we all know that being friends with an ex is never going to be true friendship. It’s going to bring with it a kind of romantic, flirty energy that’s impossible to escape, because the two of you know one another in an intimate way.
And that’s not just about sex. It’s about understanding the other person on a deeper level than a friend ever could.
You’ve shared your hopes and dreams with this person, your biggest failures and the things that keep you up at night. A breakup doesn’t just erase all those moments of connection.
That’s why people tend to cut the cord completely after a breakup if they’re trying to move on. And that’s why you need to reject your ex’s offer of friendship.
RELATED: Your Ex Will Come Back When Their Heart Is Broken
So you don’t have to totally shut them down at this point, but you also want to avoid falling into the friend-zone.
If they keep pushing it, tell them some variation of this: “I don’t know if you and I could ever just be friends,” but don’t end the conversation there.
You need them to get the idea that the door couls be open to something else in the future, but not right now, and nothing platonic.
This is where things get a little more subtle. Because by now they’ve already felt the brunt of the rejection and so they’ve started chasing you.
You can’t just give in right off the bat, but if you’re too harsh in pushing them away, they’re going to leave you alone for good.
I think of it like when someone offers to pay for dinner. You need to reach for your wallet, say no, and offer to pay in return, so that when you do eventually give in, you didn’t seem too eager or entitled.
#4. Reject Their “I Miss You”
This one is really hard, because it feels so good to hear your ex say “I miss you” or “I can’t stop thinking about you”. You feel like you need to say it back so that they know how you feel and make that connection with them.
But for many avoidants, this is where the conversation will stop. They want that acknowledgement that you miss them so that they can feel valued, but they’re not going to push it any further.
And remember, if they miss you, they have the power to do something about it. They could make more of an effort to see you. They could communicate. And ultimately, they could try to repair the relationship and try again.
They know that, and so doing anything less than that is a cop out and a cry for attention.
This one is a bit tricky though. You don’t want to reply with “I don’t miss you” or “that sucks.” Basically, don’t be rude or vindictive.
How you should respond will depend on how long it’s been since the breakup. If this is the first week or two after they dumped you then don’t even reply at all.
They know that a message like that is just going to be hurtful to you. You also shouldn’t respond if the message is sent late at night or you have reason to believe they’re not sober.
But if it’s been awhile and the two of you are starting to reconnect again, then the answer is going to be a little different. I think it’s okay to change the subject and keep the conversation going. Or, if things are really going well, you might want to hit them with something cheeky like “then do something about it ;)”
This keeps it light and flirty without admitting that you miss them too.
#5. Reject Everything That Doesn’t Move The Relationship Forward
Remember, avoidants want to create a relationship with you that’s all smoke and mirrors. So they can have closeness when they want and distance the rest of the time. The last thing you want to do is to feed into this pattern.
So whether that’s one word answers, inconsistency, lovebombing, or just lack of clarity, you need to reject it. Hold them to a higher standard. Don’t let them get away with being distant and weird. Hold them to their promises.
And if they fail to live up to your standards, then take a page from their playbook and go cold and distant. Show them that you’re not going to put up with this kind of behaviour. This is a tough step to take, but it’s a vital one.
Because they’ll either rise to the occasion or they’ll disappear for good. And whatever happens, you have your answer.
Know When To STOP Rejecting
Rejection is a powerful tool to win back your ex, but it’s only one of many. If you rely on it above all others, you’re going to give them the sense that you really aren’t interested at all and you want them to leave you alone for good. This is where rejection can backfire.
So after No Contact is over, you need to be open to communicating with your ex.
Be distant and keep calm but don’t shut them down completely. Reject their bad behaviour but move closer to them when they treat you well. This is going to get you back on the path to reconnecting the right way, without any confusion or hurt feelings.
It can feel like walking a tightrope, but if you can make it to the other side, your life together can really begin.
