We’ve all made the mistake of trying to rationalize a breakup. We go looking for reasons that the relationship ended, hoping if we can solve these problems, they won’t occur again in the future.
The problem with that approach is something I see in the vast majority of my clients…
99% of the time you’re completely wrong about why your partner broke up with you.
My clients commonly tell me things like…
“I was told that I wasn’t emotionally available enough for them”
“I didn’t take enough of an interest in their family.”
“He ended it because I wasn’t ambitious like he was.”
I hate to break it to my clients when I say that it is unlikely that these common mistakes had anything to do with the actual breakup.
In most cases, your ex partner will lie to you about why the breakup happened. Sometimes, in an effort to protect your feelings (and their own conscience), they’ll make up a really bad excuse as to why they’re leaving you.
The Real Reason For Your Breakup
The most common is, “It’s not you, it’s me,” or my favourite, “I just need some time alone.” Again, these are just excuses. The real reason why your partner broke up with you is probably due to one critical reason: a loss of attraction.
I know, I know… your first reaction is, “Oh my goodness, my ex thinks I’m ugly!”
No. When I say “attraction” I don’t specifically mean “sexual attraction,” although I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a factor.
But when it comes down to it, your ex’s decision to leave you was based on the fact that you did something (or have been doing something) that is highly unattractive to them.
Why Attraction Fades
Here is a somewhat exhaustive list of why the attraction fades in relationships. Chances are you were probably guilty of at least one of these mistakes at one point (and sometimes, without even knowing it).
1.) Low Self-Esteem
If you’ve been suffering from depression or if you’re just always down on yourself, then don’t be surprised that your partner left you.
I know that some people act like this to get attention from other people, but the reality is that being down on yourself is a very unattractive characteristic.
It can become a sort of social tic to be self-deprecating. Sure, it can get some laughs and defuse the tension, but there is a tipping point.
Keep talking yourself down and pretty soon people will start to believe you.
I understand that sometimes these things are be beyond your control. If you feel like it is, then seek help.
2.) Being Too Controlling
A relationship isn’t a prison sentence. Your partner doesn’t deserve a person that scrutinizes every decision he or she makes. If you didn’t give your partner enough free will to do as they please, then again, don’t be surprised you’re not with that person anymore.
As difficult as it is, get out of that “Alcatraz” mindset and enjoy each others’ freedom.
Jealousy can be attractive for some, but a large amount of jealousy is definitely an attraction nullifier. Being jealous essentially means you’re insecure about yourself. You fear that another person who you think is better than you will take your partner away from you. Of course you simply can’t control your emotions, but if you’re overly jealous, then you have to find it within yourself to hold back from voicing these emotions every time you feel them.
4.) Being A Stage-5 “Clinger”
Yeah, this is a pretty well-known attraction destroyer. If you’re that overly attached boyfriend or girlfriend, then you’re being as unattractive as can be! Again, this negative trait stems from insecurity.
Try and learn to be independent, especially if you’re a man. Independence is a sign of intelligence and confidence in one’s self.
Being way too comfortable in a relationship can be a massive attraction killer.
You know, spending those Friday nights “together” while you’re in your sweatpants and your partner is in the other room playing video games or something… that just isn’t the way a relationship is supposed to function on a regular basis.
If you want a relationship to work, then you actually have to do things together, and often. Remember to regularly plan outings and “date nights” together.
Putting It All Together…
This isn’t an exhaustive list of attraction killers, but it’s a good start. Just know that being attractive is a very powerful force. If you’re an attractive person, then it doesn’t matter how many gifts you buy for your partner or how many minor mistakes you make.
If you can maintain attraction, your partner won’t have any interest in leaving you.
If, however, you are unattractive, it gives your partner a much easier time to consider dumping you the next time you “didn’t wash the dishes”.
Did you recently lose your ex boyfriend or girlfriend? Are you still confused as to why he or she left you? If so, then you’ll want to watch the full-length video on my website. In this video, I’ll go over why your ex left you in more detail, and I’ll teach you exactly how to win them back into your life – maybe forever.