If you want your ex back, it’s best if they contact you rather than you chasing after them.
But how can you make that happen without making the first move?
I’ll tell you exactly what you can do to make your ex reach out.
I know it may seem impossible…how can you influence them without talking to them? But the answer is actually more simple than you think.
Now there are different reasons for waiting for your ex to reach out to you first, and they’re all valid. Maybe you don’t want to come across as desperate…this is smart because desperation can kill your chances instantly.
You might not want to risk being turned down and embarrassing. Or–and this is the best option–you might be actively engaging in the No Contact method. This is where you don’t talk to your ex at all for a period of time following the breakup in order to improve your chances of winning them back. It really does give you the best chances of winning back your ex.
In any case, it seems to make sense to wait for your ex to reach out to you first if you want them back but it’s actually the wrong approach to take here.
You need to stop waiting. As you sit around waiting for their attention, you’re becoming less and less exciting, and more and more desperate. By sitting still you’re giving up what made them fall in love with you in the first place: your confidence and your spark.
So you need to get up and move. This is an active process, not a passive one. If you follow my advice, not only is your ex going to reach out to you first, you’ll be surprised when they do because you’ll be busy living a new and exciting life.
Here’s what you can do to make your ex reach out first…
The first, and most important, way to make your ex reach out to you is to create distance. They cannot reach out to you first if you’re always contacting them. You need to give them a chance to make the first move.
And you may say Brad, I’m not even messaging them, what more can I do to create distance? Well the truth is that you may be doing more than you think. Are you liking their posts? Are you watching their stories? Are you commenting? Do you spend time together in a group?
You need to reduce this kind of behaviour to absolute zero if you want to inspire your ex to reach out to you.
Behaviour like this is cute when you two are in a relationship–it shows you’re thinking about them–but once you’re broken up it feels like hovering. After you break up, you don’t want your ex to know that you’re thinking about them.
You want to give them lots and lots of space. Not only will this show your ex that you’re respectful of their wishes–which will put them at ease–it will also allow them to process the breakup.
This is so important if you want them to reach out to you. Because chances are their feelings for you are pretty negative right now. I’ve been a breakup and relationship coach for almost 15 years now so I know that there’s no such thing as a positive breakup. Even if you two just naturally grew apart and decided that you should go your separate ways, the act of breaking up creates negative feelings for both parties.
It makes you wonder if you’re worthy of love…if you made a mistake…if you’ll ever make a relationship work. All these bad feelings are tied to the end of the relationship and as their ex, this is tied to you. So now when your ex thinks about you, they are going to feel a rush of negative emotions whether they want to or not.
The only way to fix this is to allow them time and space to process the breakup and begin letting go of the most negative memories. That’s why I generally, at least for the average breakup situation, recommend around a month of No Contact. That’s how long it takes for most people to work through this negativity, return to what I call “emotional neutral”, and start to think of their ex fondly again.
And once you create this space, you’re going to have a lot of time on your hands. You need to make the most of it and do so in a way that will attract your ex.
It’s all about living your best life in a way that your ex can see and obsess over. This can feel daunting at first. What does it mean to live your best life? And how can you show your ex without reaching out to them?
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Right now, just take it one step at a time. You need to take a hard look at your life. You’ve been through a breakup so chances are you haven’t been at your best. This is the perfect time to figure out what’s missing…besides your ex.
Have you been living up to your potential? Have you been achieving what you set out to do? Have you surrounded yourself with the right kind of people? Are you fulfilling your own needs and desires?
These are hard questions to ask but they can be the first step to getting yourself out of a serious slump…and that’s exactly what you need right now. But don’t stop there. You need to use these questions–and the resulting answers–as a guide. Figure out what’s missing and go out there and get it…focus on improving your life.
What this means specifically will depend on you and your life but there are so many ways you can go with this. It can mean getting a new wardrobe and focusing on improving your style and your appearance. It can mean improving your fitness and running a marathon or starting rock climbing. It can mean buckling down at work and getting that promotion you’ve always wanted.
Any and all of these improvements are going to attract your ex in a powerful way without you having to reach out to them directly. At the same time, it’s going to distract you from your negative feelings about the breakup and from thinking about your ex at all. You’ll be too busy to worry about whether or not they’re texting you.
So self improvement is key, but it’s not going to matter very much unless you change your mindset along with it. I know you’re pretty laser focused on influencing your ex’s thoughts and actions, but you should focus more on your own thoughts if you truly want your ex back.
Right now you’re probably thinking about them all the time and wondering what they’re going to think when they see how much you’ve improved…or maybe you’re obsessing about what they’re doing right now. Where are they? Who are they with? This kind of obsessive thinking is actually going to make it harder for you to get them back and when you do speak to them they’re going to sense your desperation no matter what you do.
So I encourage you to take your focus OFF of your ex as much as you possibly can and place that focus on you and your own journey instead. Setting goals and improving your life is a great place to start but if you’re only doing it for the sake of your ex, not only will it fall apart once you two get back together, it’s not going to help your chances of getting them back the way it should.
So stop focusing on your ex. This is hard to do when you’re still hell bent on getting them back, because you don’t want to take your eyes off the prize. But in this case it’s the best thing that you can do for yourself and your chances with your ex. You need to put your focus on your own journey and off of theirs. Instead, focus on living in the moment and getting things done. Your thoughts will still drift to your ex in quiet moments, but much less than they do right now. This is a subtle shift in priorities but it’s worth doing if you really want your ex back.
Now, I’m sure you’re wondering how this all relates to getting your ex to reach out to you… on their own initiative. Obviously, you need your ex to learn about the exciting and interesting and successful life you’re leading since the breakup… so how do you achieve that?
There are a few ways that you can get this information in front of them without actually reaching out to them, but before you make that happen, you need to keep a few things in mind.
This process is all about creating *curiosity* and *pressure* in the mind of your ex.
So basically, you don’t want your ex to know *exactly* what you’ve been up to every moment of the day. You don’t want them to get a powerpoint presentation of your highs and your lows during your time apart. Instead, you just want to give your ex a TASTE of what you’ve been up to.
If they find out too much information here then it’s going to kind of defeat the purpose of No Contact. You want them to feel that separation…your absence in their life. If they suddenly know ALL of your comings and goings, then it’s going to feel like you’re still right there with them.
You want to give them a little bit of information and let them fill in the blanks. The less they know, the more they’ll want to know and the more they’ll be thinking about you. Creating curiosity like this will drive them to ask more questions and, if handled correctly, it will make them reach out to you.
And creating pressure is the other goal here. Basically you want them to worry that if they don’t act fast, you’re going to move on and they’ll miss their chance.
This is one of the reasons that dating other people during this time is so powerful. Even if it goes nowhere, if your ex catches wind of it, they’re going to be super jealous and worry that you’re moving on.
So how do we go about actually getting this information to your ex?
Social media is one of the greatest tools at your disposal here. Remember, don’t actively engage with your ex. Just post on your own page about all the interesting and cool stuff you’ve been doing.
Keep it subtle. You don’t want it to seem like a resume or a brag. Be mysterious if you want to attract their attention. Just keep a steady stream of new posts and stories coming and pretty soon they’re going to be hooked on seeing all of your new adventures. Then, suddenly take a break for awhile to make them wonder where you’ve gone. This is usually the moment they’ll reach out to you.
Another thing I recommend is what’s called a thirst trap. You probably have heard about this if you’ve been on social media. A thirst trap is basically a post that shows off how good you’re looking these days.
If you’ve been focusing on your fitness, this is going to really drive your ex wild. Either way, your ex is still attracted to you so seeing a little more of you is always going to make them think about you and what you’re up to.
If social media isn’t working, or if you just want to maximize your chances, spend time with mutual friends. This is the time to drop hints about all the cool stuff you’ve been up to without your ex.
Show them that you’re moving onto bigger and better things and that while you don’t have any ill will towards your ex, you’re glad that things have worked out this way. Chances are your ex is going to ask this friend about you and your friend is going to have only good things to say about your new life.
These are the best methods available to make your ex reach out to you. I’ll just leave you with one word of warning: don’t wait on this. The longer you spend sitting on your but, the further you hurt your chances of getting your ex back. Get on it today…you’ll thank me later.