If your ex has an avoidant attachment style, you can’t win them back by appealing to their emotions, by being romantic, or by talking things out.
The more you chase them, the faster they’ll run away.
The more you push them, the more they’ll hide from you.
But there’s still a way to make your avoidant ex open up and want to connect with you again. This course of action is rooted in the psychology of avoidance and it has proven effective in the real world.
First, you need to know that avoidant attachment isn’t what people think it is.
It’s not a lack of emotion or a tendency to solitude. It’s about fear.
THE PROBLEM: Avoidants Fear Emotional Closeness
People with avoidant attachment were often raised in environments where their emotional needs were minimized or ignored. They learned that intimacy meant pain.
So when you approach them with an open heart and try to talk about what you’re feeling and what went wrong, their nervous system immediately goes into overdrive.
In fact, a 2018 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that avoidant people experience physiological stress and raised cortisol levels during emotionally intense interactions, even when they want to connect.
Their heart beats faster, they start to sweat, they can’t make eye contact because they’re too busy looking for the nearest exit.
While they may not physically run away, emotionally, they’re on another continent. They’re not present and willing to connect with you because just the idea of having this conversation is making them want to pull away from you.
But they’re not doing this because they don’t want you, or because they don’t care. They’re doing it because they’re scared and their self defense mechanisms are kicking in. So how can you break down this wall?
THE SOLUTION: Emotional Independence
If you can show your ex that they can get close to you without any alarm bells going off, then they’re going to be much more open to getting back together. And if you can create this new dynamic then they’re going to want to connect with you, rather than running away.
Over time, they’ll be more and more willing to open up and all these problems will slowly but surely disappear.
Basically, if you want your avoidant ex to open up, first you have to stop trying to make them open up. Instead of pursuing them directly, you need to project calm, self-sufficient emotional independence. Because this is going to take all the pressure off your ex and allow them to relax and really be themselves.
So then how do we deactivate the alarm? Well, according to a 2018 study published in the journal “Current Opinion in Psychology,” avoidant people strive to create and maintain independence, control, and autonomy in their relationships because they believe that seeking psychological and emotional proximity to romantic partners is not possible.
This is what we have to get over. They think that closeness isn’t sustainable because it brings with it new demands, new expectations and a loss of freedom.
So here’s an example. Let’s say you two are talking again and the vibes are good. You get excited and you immediately suggest meeting up for drinks. That’s when they freeze up.
They do want to see you, but they fear that if they agree, they’ll be setting a precedent. Maybe you’ll expect to hook up. Maybe you’ll expect to get back together. Maybe you’ll think that you can ask for more and more closeness until they feel overwhelmed and confused.
They’re not sure what they want right now and they think that connecting in any way is going to lock them into a decision. You’re going to start relying on them emotionally and this is going to restrict their freedom.
So you need to show them that this is not the case. They need to see that you’re strong, and independent and you can live without them. Here’s how to make this happen:
#1: Stop Over-Communicating
When you start talking to your ex again, it’s tempting to tell them everything that they’ve missed in your life, catch up on all they’ve been up to and just pick up exactly where you two left off. You want to recreate the versions of you two before all this nasty breakup business.
But remember, those people were speeding towards a devastating breakup.
Instead, you want to change the dynamic. Be more distant and less aggressive with them. Keep your feelings to yourself and don’t update them on every little thing they’ve missed.
RELATED: What REALLY Happens to Your Ex During No Contact
I know it can be hard to fight this natural impulse, especially when dealing with an avoidant. It’s very common for avoidants to be pretty reserved which can make you feel like you have to fill all the dead air and carry the conversation but don’t do it.
Give them a little space and let them say what they want to say. This is something I’m going to talk more about, but it’s almost always the best practice to maintain distance and let the avoidant come to you. This is a great way to foster emotional safety.
#2: Respect The Situation
One thing I see all the time is avoidants running away once it becomes clear that the other person doesn’t respect their decision to break up. So don’t treat the breakup like a misunderstanding or a small fight.
And don’t treat them like you two are still in a relationship and they still owe you all the same things that they did before the breakup.
When you do this, they think that you can’t face reality and that you’re not getting the message. And they’ll turn to their only refuge: more avoidance.
I know why people do this. It’s because they don’t know this person in any other context. They look at them and they see their partner and even if they were able to accept the breakup, they wouldn’t know how to deal with them as an ex.
So, early on, don’t be too cute or flirty with them. Don’t be cuddly or touchy.
And don’t lean on old inside jokes from your relationship together. You may think you’re just being friendly but they see this as an attempt to get closer to them and—in the early stages—that feels like a threat.
The closeness will come with time but early on, you need to keep some distance and feel things out.
Don’t be overly familiar or it will make them uncomfortable. If necessary, acknowledge the awkwardness of the situation. This can break the tension and clear the air.
Above all, stop treating them like your partner because they’re not your partner. They’re your ex, at least for now.
You can of course leave room for this to change, but you don’t want to take this relationship for granted or you’ll lose them all over again.
#3: Focus On Emotional Regulation
Remember, emotional independence means that you don’t need your ex to solve your problems or make you feel better when things don’t go your way.
Often, a lack of emotional independence led you into this trap because it meant that you used your ex as a stop gap. You’d lose your water bottle at the gym and you’d come to them to cheer you up.
You’d have a rough day at work and you’d expect them to cuddle with you for an hour that evening. You’d get in a fight with your mom and they’d have to dry your tears and take your side every time.
These are natural human responses to difficult times and it’s okay to lean on your partner for support. But when they’re the first and last line of defence in every tough situation, it becomes totally exhausting.
RELATED: Rejection Will Drive Your Avoidant Ex CRAZY
So focus on finding new people and activities that provide you that emotional release. Exercise, journalling, venting to a friend. There are so many options available to you that won’t put strain on your relationship.
Doing these things may not be as immediately satisfying but remember, you’re building those emotional muscles so that you’re able to stand on your own two feet.
And by doing this, you’re going to show your ex that you’re not going to be making constant emotional demands of them.
#4: Give Them Space To Miss You
If you move too quickly, your ex is never going to have an opportunity to really miss your presence in their life. And really, this is the main reason that they took you for granted in the first place. You were too available, too present and too communicative with them.
I know that being present is important, but if you’re never absent, you start to blend in with the wallpaper and your ex stops seeing you.
So keep your distance and let them really feel the loss. Take the time to focus on yourself and getting back on track. Build your emotional regulation strategies and rebuild your self esteem so that you see that you really can make it without your ex.
Remember, letting them come to you is almost always going to create a better connection in the long run because it will give them a chance to reach out to you, rather than always being the one who is sought after.
Of course, it’s going to take a little longer than it will with your average person. That’s what makes them avoidant and that’s why you’re in this situation in the first place: you took the lead because they weren’t moving as fast as you’d like. So try it my way and be patient.
