Every breakup is a journey.
For your avoidant ex, it’s a journey from relief to heartbreak, to the terror of ending up all alone.
Yes, even though your avoidant ex may seem emotionless, this be true for long.
And your avoidant ex’s feelings will bring them back to you if you handle them in the correct way.
I’ve been a breakup coach for fifteen years and one thing I’ve learned is that you can’t rush heartbreak.
Because your avoidant ex is going to experience the same heartbreak you’re feeling right now, but only if you’re willing to let it happen.
If you insist on trying to get inside their head, bugging them, asking them a ton of questions or if you try to manipulate their feelings, you’re only going to push them away and make them hate you. This is a good way to prevent their heartbreak and guarantee that they move on for good.
So you need to understand that your ex’s journey to heartbreak starts when you stop pestering them, and leave them alone for the first time.
This is most effective and devastating if you do it immediately after the breakup but if you’ve already slipped up, the best thing you can do is go no contact immediately.
It won’t completely eliminate the mistake but it will erase some of the damage you’ve already done and push them in the right direction.
Heartbreak Timeline: The Avoidant Ex’s Journey
Not all avoidants are going to go through these stages at the same pace and some of this can be interrupted by huge life changes, new relationships and other destabilizing events. But most exes will follow this same path.
Stage 1: Relief
Yes, your ex is going to feel relief after breaking up with you. I know it sucks to hear, but it’s the truth. Now this doesn’t mean that they hate you. The issue is the relationship itself.
Because feeling like your relationship isn’t working is really frustrating and painful. And on top of that, knowing you have to break up really sucks.
What your ex hoped was going to be a lifetime bond turned into a slow motion car crash.
They saw that brick wall coming and they had to hit the eject button. Then they felt the heartbreak of hurting you and losing you at the same time.
But now that the breakup is through, it’s like a weight has been lifted. They feel like the cloud that was hanging over them is gone and they’re free. The disaster is over.
Now relief is something that most exes feel, especially if the breakup was a long time coming. But this feeling is going to be magnified significantly for avoidants.
Because avoidant exes hate these kinds of unresolved emotions.
They struggle so much with intimacy, and that means that difficult conversations like breakups are going to be really messy for them, emotionally.
On top of that, their biggest desire–at least in theory—is to be left alone. So now that the breakup is behind them, they finally get all the alone time that they want.
But don’t worry, this period of relief is typically only going to last a week or two at most before they move onto the next stage…
Stage 2: Numbness
While most exes will go through hell once the relief fades, avoidant exes will not. They’re so used to avoiding that they’ve become pros at it.
They’re going to push away the feelings of loss, the tender feelings they have for you, and pretend that they don’t exist. And it’s not even a conscious process.
This isn’t a plan they concocted. It’s just what they do automatically when faced with a tough emotion.
And it’s happening at a subconscious level that they don’t even know about. So instead of experiencing the feelings of loss and sadness that many will, they’re experiencing nothing: total numbness.
Of course, this isn’t going to be the same for every avoidant ex. For some they’ll feel like the relationship was just a distant memory, like it happened to someone else, not them.
For others, they won’t think about the relationship—or you—at all but they’ll be a bit on edge and irritable.
But the main feeling they’ll have will be this numbness. Colours will seem a bit duller. They won’t cry but they won’t smile much, either.
And if thoughts of you pop up, they’ll quickly shut them down and move onto something else.
They’ll distract themselves with whatever coping strategy they like best: exercise, junk food, video games, hobbies–whatever. But again, they usually won’t even know that they’re doing this.
RELATED: Save Your Relationship With Your Avoidant Ex
Like I said, avoidants are good at avoiding. It’s what has kept them emotionally safe during periods of difficulty and so they’re not going to give it up now that they really need protection the most.
They’re typically going to keep avoiding you during this phase. They’ll be cold and distant if you do talk, and it will almost feel like they don’t care. Because they won’t, not consciously, at least. Their brain is protecting them from their pain and that means that they won’t feel any love for you either.
This phase is going to last longer: a few weeks or even a month. And the end of this phase is not going to be as sudden as the previous one. It’s going to slowly creep up on them.
The numbness they’re feeling will become tinged with uncomfortable feelings. It will start with–as I said–some irritability that seems to come from nowhere. Then there will be feelings of sadness and regret, a sense of loss.
These feelings will mount until they can no longer avoid them and push them aside. Then they’ll enter stage 3…
Stage 3: Massive Regret
This is when your avoidant ex’s negative feelings are going to hit them like a ton of bricks. They’re going to feel totally alone and sad. They’ll feel like they really messed up this time and that they threw away something that made them happy because of their own cowardice and negative coping skills.
And they’ll be right. Because avoidance is not a strategy that can work for long.
All it does is make them emotionally fragile. They’re unwilling to get close to someone else and do the work necessary to really connect, so they never develop the emotional fortitude necessary to maintain a healthy relationship.
And on top of that, because they refuse to get close, their needs never get met.
And because their needs aren’t met, they feel unsatisfied and so that leads to a breakup.
So really, the avoidance is responsible for a lot more than you think. And that’s something I cover here.
What you need to know is that they’re going to miss you like hell. They’ll miss you more than most exes will because they’ve been putting it off so long. All those bad feelings—shame, loss, regret—they’ve been piling up this whole time. So when they hit, they hit HARD.
This phase typically begins around 30 days after the initial breakup but it can take up to 60 or even 75 days for particularly stubborn avoidants.
It will also take longer if you stuck around after the breakup, begging them for another chance, or even just being too communicative and expressive with them. Remember, No Contact is the only way to make your ex feel this heartbreak.
And it’s the only way to get them to stage 4…
Stage 4: The Return
Remember that avoidants’ main instinct will almost always be to avoid. They avoided their needs, which led to the breakup. They avoided their sadness, so it came back with a vengeance and overwhelmed them.
Now they’re trying to avoid that feeling of being overwhelmed so they’re going to run back to you as a form of escape.
This one overlaps with stage 3 a little bit. When they’re truly hit with the sadness they’ll be in no shape to try to contact you—they won’t want you to see them like this—but these feelings come in waves.
At their worst, they’ll be in a pit of despair but when the wave dips, they’re going to reach out to you and try to get your attention.
Now, chances are your ex is not going to come to you confessing their feelings, apologizing and asking you to please be with them forever. They are still avoidants.
Instead, they’ll start as small as they can possibly get: they’ll creep your social media and like a photo, they’ll send you a “what’s up” text and then take forever to respond, they’ll add you back on snapchat.
Your heart will be in your throat the moment you see it. Do they still love you? Are they finally coming back?
And then you’ll be crushed when they seem to drift away again. And just when you’ve accepted that they’re really gone for good…they’ll hit you up one more time.
Over time, they’re going to slowly orbit closer and closer until things get going again. Be patient.
I know it’s frustrating but if you try to take too much initiative and start actually pursuing them, chances are they’ll just pull away yet again.
Just give back the energy they’re giving you and let them set the pace.
Pretty soon they’ll be reaching out to you more and more, and one day, you’ll look back on this breakup like it was a bad dream.
