You can make your ex talk to you again.
You can even go on dates, rebuild that connection, restart intimacy and feel their love again.
But it’s all for nothing if you can’t get them to commit to you again.
Living in limbo this way can be worse than just being single. But it doesn’t have to be this way. You can make your ex commit to you if you can make them realize just one thing.
So to understand this idea, you first need to understand why your ex hasn’t committed to you yet. There are a few reasons that this happens that are fixable, and others that can be much more difficult… but they still come back to this one thing.
But before we get to that, we need to talk about your ex’s feelings.
Does Your Ex Even Want You?
At this stage, you’re probably wondering how your ex really feels about you. Are they even interested at all? Are they just hanging out with you out of boredom or because nothing better has come along?
Well sure, there is something to that. People fear change and so they maintain relationships that aren’t in their best interests just out of momentum.
But if you and your ex are sleeping together, spending serious time together and emotionally connecting, then there’s more to it than just boredom. You can rest assured that they are interested in you…quite interested. They’re thinking about the possibility of a relationship with you quite a bit.
They’ve gone back and forth on it. They’ve probably talked it over with their friends. And they’re just not sure what to do.
Because just as there are things that are drawing them towards you as a romantic option— making you more attractive—there are other things that are standing in the way of commitment—making it less appealing.
Why Your Ex Won’t Commit
First off, one of the most significant reasons that your ex won’t commit is simple: it’s because they don’t have to! So if your ex is spending time with you, sleeping with you, and even telling you they love you but they just won’t commit to being with you for real, then this is most likely the cause. This happens to everybody, but in my experience it tends to be more common when your ex is male.
You’ve heard the old cliche: why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? There’s actually a lot of truth to this. For those that don’t get it, you’re the cow and your ex has no reason to buy you—meaning commit to you—because they’re getting your milk for free. And in this case, the milk is not only sex but it’s love, affection, attention, intimacy, validation…whatever.
It’s not worth it for them to commit to you and take on all the responsibilities that come with a relationship, when they’re already getting all the benefits and all the freedom they could ever want.
And that’s another reason they’re not going to commit. They want that freedom. Sure, they like you a lot or they wouldn’t still be hanging around you so much. But they also like seeing what’s out there…what other options they have.
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And, unfortunately, that does mean exactly what you think it means: unless they’ve said otherwise, your ex could be seeing someone else right now, or at least talking to them. I know that this can be gutting to even think about, but it’s possibly what’s happening right now, even if they won’t admit it.
The idea that the grass is greener is one of the biggest things that drives breakups. So it’s very common for people to date their ex alongside someone new. And yes, they’re comparing the two of you to see how you stack up.
But don’t despair. It can actually be a good thing that your ex is dating around right now, as I’ll explain.
But it’s not only freedom to date others that they’re enjoying, but freedom to live their life the way they want. Basically, freedom to act without considering your feelings.
And thirdly, they won’t commit to you because they’re afraid that things won’t work out. And they have a reason to be scared. Because you two have tried this before, remember? Whenever they wonder if you’re ready, or if they’re ready, or if the two of you can really make it work. They’re going to think back to your breakup and what broke you up in the first place.
That’s not to say that you can’t make it work this time around. There are certainly big steps you’ll need to take and changes you’ll have to make but that’s for another day. Before that, you have to make your ex commit to you for real.
And so we come back to the one thing that your ex needs to realize before they’ll take that step. They need to realize that their life is going to be better with YOU than with anyone else. And that they’re not going to be happy without you in their life.
For many of you, this is going to sound extreme or even arrogant, but it’s the truth. As unromantic as it may be, your ex is weighing their options right now. Should they try to move on? Should they find someone new? Should they be alone? Or should they be with you?
And you need to make yourself the number one option for them, or they’re not going to choose to be with you. It’s really that simple.
And it’s not only possible, but it’s actually simple, if you follow my advice.
So how can you make your ex realize that they can’t be happy without you? That their life will be better with YOU than with anyone else?
Let’s take this step by step.
Step 1: Confidence
If you don’t believe in yourself and your ability to make your ex happy and improve their life, you’re not going to make it through this process. If you can BELIEVE that this is the right path forward then so will your ex.
If you’re someone with low self esteem or confidence issues, this is going to sound like an insurmountable task. So let me give you the shot in the arm that you need:
First off, you HAVE made your ex happy in the past. So this isn’t some hypothetical dream scenario that you’re dealing with. You have actual experience here and so you can do it again. Compared to every other person your ex may see out there in the world, you have the edge because you’ve proven that you can do it.
Second, they’re already coming back for more. So despite all the negativity and drama that now exists between the two of you because of the breakup and the aftermath, they still want to be around you and spend time with you. So whatever you’re doing right now, it’s working at least on some level and you should feel good about that.
And third, your ex has yet to see all that you’re capable of at this point. They think of you as a certain version of yourself. Someone they like—or even love—but someone limited and simple. Part of this process is going to be about reaching your potential and once you do that, you’re going to completely flip how they look at you.
If you’re struggling to build confidence, then you need to make some changes in your life. You need to improve, set goals and push forward in your life. If you can do this, you will feel better about yourself in no time.
You know the things that you need to do to improve your lot in life. Look for things that nourish you, that make you happy and that give you a sense of progression and then make that your focus. Do it right and your ex is going to stick around just to see how you’re changing and growing.
Step 2: Don’t Stress
One of the biggest issues that crops up when you date an ex is drama. And one of the ways that this drama is introduced is through the pressure that you both put on the situation. Remember when you first met? Things were intense, sure, but they felt more celebratory than difficult. You were a bit sweaty but you were always excited to see them and get to know them more. But now things feel like they could go wrong any minute.
So what changed? It’s the pressure that you’re both putting on things the second time around. Because you know what you had and what it was like to lose it. And now you’re so afraid to experience that all over again. And that stress causes all sorts of problems between the two of you.
This is why taking the pressure off is going to work wonders for your relationship with your ex. So stop going into every interaction wondering if this is the one where you seal the deal and get back together or the one where they leave you for good. Just try to be casual, treat them with kindness and warmth and see how things go.
I know you want more, and you can get it, but making that your sole focus is going to make you not a very fun person to be around and it will make the relationship between the two of you strained and difficult.
So Accept where you’re at and move forward. Remember, despite all the issues, you’re two people who are deeply connected and who care about one another. Every moment together is a gift and you should treat it that way.
Now, I’m sure some of you are tearing your hair out right now, hearing this. You’re saying, “how can I just relax when you’ve told me that my ex is probably seeing other people right now?”
And I get it, it’s a terrible image. It makes you feel like you could be replaced any second if they meet someone who’s a little more attractive, more charming and more what they want.
But I’ll tell you why your ex’s dating life can actually be a great thing for you right now. Because they’re seeing what’s out there and it’s not looking good.
If it was, they’d have dropped you by now and moved on. The fact that they’re still around shows you that you have an edge over all the losers that they’ve been seeing.
And of course you do. You know them super well. You’ve built up that comfort and that connection over months or years. You know what your ex likes and how you should treat them. You know their history, their secrets and what snacks they like.
All this may seem like really basic stuff but this is exactly what relationships are made of. It’s what makes hanging out with a partner or an old friend so much better than a first date.
And that’s why these new people that your ex is seeing are never going to measure up. They’re going to pale in comparison to you because they won’t have that easy comfort that you two have.
And there’s another factor here. Often if your ex never gets this chance to date after the breakup, then they’re going to still have that nagging question: what if there’s someone else better out there? Your ex is going to know for a fact that the dating world is a hellscape and that you’re the one for them.
Step 3: Find Out Where They Stand
If you’re wondering what your ex is feeling, you need to get some more information. But now is not the time to be asking your ex questions about their feelings. Good thing there’s another option.
Try my free quiz tool. In five minutes you’ll have a better idea of how your ex is feeling and what your chances are of winning them back. It’s also going to tell you how to adjust your strategy to better connect with them and make them interested. Take the time to find out the truth.
Step 4: Take Things Slow
If you’re here, you may be past the point of taking things slow but I’ll say it anyway. If you and your ex have been broken up less than a month, you shouldn’t be too worried that they’re not committing to you just yet.
In fact, if you two have been seeing each other again for less than a month then you’re still in great shape and everything is moving forward according to plan.
Remember, it takes time to rebuild what you two had. You can’t expect this to happen in just a couple of hangouts. You need to show them that you’re around because you actually want to spend time with them because you care about them, not just because you’re laser focused on having a boyfriend or girlfriend again.
If you can slow down, it will take the pressure off of both of you and allow you to connect in a genuine way without any games or drama.
So Don’t be afraid to pull back, give them space and let them come to you. Don’t bail on your friends just to see your ex whenever THEY want. And don’t text them back within seconds every time they reach out.
I know you’re excited and nervous, but this kind of behaviour comes across as desperate and overly intense. If you can take it a bit easier, they’re going to feel more comfortable and be more interested in connecting with you more and more.
Step 5: Show Them You’ve Changed
One of the things that people think about when they consider getting back with their ex, is whether or not things are going to be different this time around. Why would things be any different this time around? You’re the same people going through the same motions. So aren’t you just going to break up all over again?
Well the truth is that you’re NOT the same people that broke up. Even if it was just one week ago, the breakup has changed both of you and it’s changed how you look at one another.
And if you’ve followed my advice up to this point, that’s not the only thing that will have changed about you. You’re going to be better, more accomplished and happier than you have been in the past and your ex is going to see this if they’re paying attention.
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If they don’t seem to be getting the message, then you need to change your approach here. Think about the issues that the two of you have had in the past: the things they didn’t like about you, the fights you had, the miscommunications that came between you.
And make a small but serious effort to move these things in the right direction. It doesn’t need to be a huge change. In fact, it shouldn’t be some massive seismic difference that you’re aiming for. You don’t want to totally change how they see you—they’re already invested in the you that they know. You just need them to see that you’re addressing their concerns even in a small way.
This is going to clue them in to the fact that you’re changing and improving as time goes on. So say that your ex always felt like you were too controlling, that you always had to be in charge and make all the decisions. If you put some attention into asking them what they want to have for dinner or what they’d like to do for a date, this is going to make a big impact.
You’re not trying to be someone else…you’re still you. But you’re a version of yourself that cares enough about them to make some concessions and to see their point of view.
Step 6: Set Some Boundaries and Expectations
Remember when we talked about how your ex is getting the milk for free? This is where boundaries come in. You can’t give your ex complete access to your body, your time and your attention and then be surprised when they don’t want anything to change.
So stop letting them take advantage of your feelings for them and start setting boundaries. So maybe you realize that while sleeping with them is nice, you only end up feeling lonely and used afterwards, then take sex off the table. If they expect you to drive them to work every day and you feel more like a cabbie than a partner, then stop doing it. And if they keep disappearing only to show up when they feel like it, then show them that this isn’t going to work for you.
Now setting boundaries and expectations like this is going to take something almost unthinkable: and that is COMMUNICATION. I know we’ve talked about how it’s best to let your actions do the talking early on in this process but at a certain point, you do have to open your mouth and explain your feelings if you want to actually build the dynamic you want with your ex.
Step 7: Move Things Forward
If you’re stuck in limbo, it can be because both you and your ex are afraid to take the next step forward. So you’re going to have to break the stalemate here. Think about what you’re looking for in this relationship and take the steps necessary to move it forward.
So maybe you wish they’d sleep over or that you two could take a trip somewhere. Or maybe you’re just hoping for a romantic dinner rather than a late night booty call. Whatever it is that you want, you’re going to have to push for it.
I know that this can be a difficult step to take. No one likes putting themselves out there. But if you and your ex really are stuck, and have been for some time, then this may be your best option to get them to see that you do want more and that you are willing to reach for it.
Your ex may not be sure at first but your ability to take the chance is going to be attractive to them and show them that you are interested in moving things forward.
Step 8: Get Some Distance
This isn’t going to apply to every situation, but it’s often a very effective strategy if your ex is failing to commit to you or take you seriously. So maybe you feel really stuck and they keep giving you the run around—telling you that it’s just not the right time, that they’re not sure—or maybe they’re friendly one minute and cold the next and you don’t know how to get through to them…then you need to take a step back and give them some more space.
Remember, you need something to change if you want to change your relationship with your ex. And if they’re not treating you right, removing yourself from the situation might be the step you need to take.
When you take a step back, dodge their messages and give them time and space to think, they’re going to see just how empty their life is without you in it. And really, that’s what this has all been about: showing them that you are their best option and that you bring them happiness.
So don’t be afraid to show them that if you suddenly disappeared, all that’s left is going to be sadness and boredom.
