If you want another chance with the person you love, you need to understand what they’re thinking and feeling.
You need to understand what’s driving them.
Just as you know their strengths, you need to really try to understand their fears and their weaknesses.
And if your ex is avoidant, their biggest weakness is always going to be their loneliness.
This sounds crazy to anyone who has spent any time with an avoidant. They seem so independent. It’s like they don’t need anyone else in the world.
They keep their feelings to themselves and handle them all on their own. They seem like they could live totally on their own forever. They seek out solitude at times when anyone else would reach for connection.
But what if I told you that was all an act? And that putting up a brave front like this for so long leaves them feeling incredibly isolated and lonely?
That is the truth about avoidants…deep down, they don’t actually want the solitude that they’ve surrounded themselves with. If they did, they wouldn’t be in relationships in the first place.
So then the question becomes…WHY? Why do avoidants push people away even when it leaves them with this horrible loneliness? And to answer this question, we need to look at how avoidant attachment works.
Avoidant Attachment Explained
Now I’m not going to go too deep into how avoidant attachment forms but what you need to know is that this has been a part of your ex’s personality since they were very young.
When we’re children, we look to the adults around us to fulfill our needs, both emotional and physical.
And when a child reaches for an adult’s hand only to have them pull it away, when they ask for help only to be mocked, when they’re told to stop crying and grow up, that’s the moment that avoidant attachment forms.
RELATED: Timeline of An Avoidant Ex’s Heartbreak
Because that’s when a child learns that they can’t rely on other people to fulfill their needs.
They learn that asking for help only leads to pain and rejection. So they decide to stop asking for help, to turn inward and to rely only on themselves.
So now, even though they desperately want that connection they’ve been denied for so long, when they even think about opening up they get terrified. Letting someone in feels impossible. And so they keep their feelings inside, go cold, and push you away.
They rely on the only strategy they know: avoidance.
And whatever the circumstances, chances are this played a huge part in your breakup and in their continued silence after the fact. But this same strategy is going to lead them back to you.
How To Win Back Your Avoidant Ex
So your avoidant ex is lonely. So what?
Well the truth is that your avoidant ex’s loneliness will help you win them back if you’re able to follow my advice properly. So here’s what you need to know.
#1. They’ll Only Push You Away For So Long
One of the first things that an avoidant will feel after a breakup is relief. Remember, even though it’s what they want, they find closeness with another person to be difficult and–at times–painful.
So once the relationship is over, they’ll finally have what they think they want: freedom.
They’ll feel so relieved to no longer have to live up to your standards or change their behaviour to fulfill your needs.
But that relief is going to fade over time and with nothing to fill that void, all they’ll feel is their loneliness.
And when their loneliness becomes unbearable they’ll begin to think about reaching out to you.
It might take a week, it might take a month or even two but it’s going to happen eventually, if you allow it to.
#2. You Still Need To Give Them Space
When I tell people that their avoidant ex is lonely, they often say, “Great! So that means they want me even if they pretend they don’t.
So all I need to do is reconnect with them, push through the walls and give them the closeness that I know they need.”
And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this is a recipe for disaster.
The thing with an avoidant is that their loneliness can’t be solved with brute force. It’s something that’s been built up over decades into a fortress. You can’t just scale the walls and barge your way in.
Because they might not even be aware that they’re lonely.
In the same way a fish doesn’t know it’s wet, these feelings are happening on a subconscious level.
So if you show up one day telling them that they should let you in, even though they’re scared, they might laugh in your face…and then shut the door.
You need to take a much more subtle approach.
Basically, You can’t give your ex a chance to reach for avoidance as a strategy for dealing with you.
So when you’re too aggressive, they feel that they need to defend themselves by pulling away.
But if you keep your distance, give them a lot of space, and let them set the pace of every interaction then they have no way to pull away from you.
So instead of avoiding you, they avoid their loneliness by seeking you out. You’re essentially using your ex’s avoidance against them to win them back.
#3. Avoidance Isn’t Always Permanent
Many people look at avoidant attachment as a problem to be solved. And while I understand how frustrating it can be, you need to know that you can’t “fix” it by saying or doing the right thing.
It’s something that your ex has to deal with themselves and they’ll carry it with them always, to some extent.
But that doesn’t mean that things can’t improve with time. As circumstances change, people change.
As they learn that they CAN connect with other people without pain, they’ll start to soften and open up. I’ve seen it happen many times.
Just don’t expect your ex to just wake up one day as a different person.
This change is going to be very slow and subtle. So if you know that you can’t handle a relationship with an avoidant, you should stop pursuing one.
#4. Breakups Trigger Avoidance More Than Anything Else
Breakups trigger our worst feelings. Remember, the avoidant attachment style was initially created due to a rejection your ex felt at a young age.
And breakups are the ultimate rejection…it’s the loss of the person you care about the most.
So even if they ended things, they still feel like they’re being abandoned all over again.
Because the reason they ended the relationship was that they felt like it wasn’t working.
The relationship became a source of pain and confusion rather than a source of validation and connection.
This was yet another confirmation that connecting with another person is just a mistake and that all they can do to feel safe is pull away and retreat into themselves.
So if your ex is suddenly ice cold, totally distant and giving you nothing, just know that this is probably not the new normal, nor is it permanent.
It’s just that the breakup has created a lot of big feelings for them and they’re dealing with them the only way that they know how. They’re avoiding YOU to avoid their feelings.
But as the intensity of these feelings fade with time, so will the avoidant behaviours, until things are back where they were before.
#5. Patience Is Your Secret Weapon
Avoidants tend to be slow to change. This can actually be an advantage in relationships. They may be less passionate but they’re also less explosive.
In fact, one of the reasons that avoidants shrink from conflict is so that they can be sure of what they want and so that they can choose their words carefully to avoid causing you more pain.
But that also means that during a breakup, an avoidant is going to be slow to react, slow to express regret, and slow to come back to you.
This becomes really frustrating and when the frustration builds up, it can make you lash out at your ex.
Obviously, this only furthers the divide between you two and makes them less likely to come back.
So you need to go in the other direction. You need to embody patience as much as you possibly can right now.
So stop looking at your phone, expecting to see a text from them. Stop counting the days until they change their mind and realize all that you can offer them.
Stop waiting and live your life.
I know this is easier said than done but if you can get over this hurdle, you’ll find that you feel so much better and less stressed because you’re no longer putting all your focus on the breakup.
This means finding distractions and places to put your focus that have nothing to do with your relationship.
Hobbies and interests, work or school, exercise, travel: there are better ways to spend your time than counting the days since you last saw your ex.
While things like social media and TV can quiet your thoughts for a few moments, you need to seek out longer term goals and activities that will send your mind in a totally different direction.
So go camping for a week in the woods where you have no cell service. Climb a mountain. Take up a sport.
Really commit to changing direction and you’ll find that you stop wondering when that next text will come.
#6. You Can’t Change Them, You Can Only Change Yourself
While it may seem like I’m letting your ex off the hook completely, that’s not my intention.
I’m sure that they’ve done a lot of things to hurt you and they’re continuing to hurt you even now with their behaviour.
But the reality is that you don’t have any control over how they act. Especially now that you two are split up, you have no way to meaningfully affect their actions.
And even at the best of times, avoidants are extremely resistant to outside pressure.
They feel as though they’ve had to build themselves up all on their own so they resent the idea that someone else knows better than them.
This is what creates friction when you try to make demands of them emotionally or ask for more than they’re willing to give.
Instead, turn that attention on yourself.
Ask yourself if what you’re doing is going to lead to the outcome you want.
Are you gaining reassurance, validation, or intimacy at the cost of pushing your ex away? Wouldn’t it be better to take a step back and slow down even if it might feel uncomfortable and not ideal?
This is a very difficult undertaking. I’m sure that you have a lot of resentment towards your ex and you know that if they could just change their behaviour a little bit then everything would be perfect.
But that’s a thought to put aside for now. You can sort these issues out once the two of you are formally back together.
#7. It’s Okay To Ask For Help
Your avoidant ex is not the only one who feels isolated by this breakup. It’s normal for you to feel like you have to do it all alone, but the truth is that you don’t. You can ask for help from your friends and family. You can seek help from a therapist. Or you can reach out to an expert like me.
I do offer one-on-one coaching for people who are struggling with their breakup and wanting to reconnect with their exes.
Once you sign up, we’re able to connect and sort out the issues you’re having with your ex. I’ve helped thousands of people in all kinds of different situations so I know just what you should do to win them back.
#8. Emotional Independence Wins Back Avoidants
All this advice is crucial if you want to win back your ex, but we still haven’t reckoned with the big question here: how can you connect deeply with someone who thinks they want independence above all else?
Well the truth is that you need to cultivate emotional independence in yourself.
You need to do the work to grow that part of you that makes you feel safe and secure, regardless of what’s happening with your partner, with your job, or with the world at large.
That internal validation is so important if you want a relationship with anyone, but especially an avoidant.
Because avoidants can’t stand feeling like you rely on them to maintain your mood.
No one wants a partner who they have to spend all their time monitoring and pampering emotionally.
These are the people who need constant validation or they feel lost. They need you to check in with them twenty times a day or they think that something is wrong. When you’re upset, you always end up having to console them instead of them consoling you.
It’s exhausting and it’s not conducive to a long term relationship.
So work on your own expectations and look for sources of validation outside the relationship and—most importantly—inside yourself. If you can cultivate this mindset, no one and nothing can take it from you.
