Most people assume that when their ex walks away that it’s the end of the story.
But in reality, breakups are rarely that simple.
They’re messy, emotional journeys that often lead your ex right back to you if you handle the breakup correctly.
There are several hidden stages your ex will go through before they reach their breaking point — that pivotal moment when they realize what they’ve lost and decide they want you back.
STAGE 1: THE RUSH OF FREEDOM
Right after the breakup, your ex feels a rush of relief — like taking off a heavy backpack they didn’t realize they were carrying. They feel lighter, free, and ready to live their best life.
That doesn’t mean you were the burden. The “backpack” is the stress and negativity that built up before the breakup. Ending things feels like release from that tension, not from you.
They’re relieved because the internal struggle is finally over — but that relief won’t last. Once the initial freedom fades, they’ll realize the breakup didn’t actually solve anything. It just postponed the pain that’s still waiting beneath the surface.
During this time, your ex might reach out in friendly or apologetic ways. Don’t take it as a sign they want you back — it’s often guilt, not attraction. Keep your distance and let them process things on their own.
STAGE 2: THE EMPTY SILENCE
When the excitement of newfound freedom wears off, the silence sets in. Their weekends start to drag, their bed feels empty, and they keep reaching for their phone before remembering you’re not there.
That’s when freedom turns into loneliness. They start comparing life without you to how it was before, realizing that maybe you weren’t the problem — you were actually what gave their life comfort and meaning.
They’ll try to fill that void with friends, parties, or dating, but none of it feels right. The fun feels forced, and every distraction just reminds them of what’s missing. The single life they imagined isn’t the paradise they hoped for — it’s hollow.
And surprisingly, this is often when exes become cold or even cruel. They lash out, act distant, or say hurtful things because they’re frustrated and hurting inside. “Hurt people hurt people,” and right now, your ex is deeply hurting.
The truth is, they don’t want to face that pain or admit they’re struggling. So instead, they put on a mask — pretending they’re happier without you, when deep down, they’re starting to realize the opposite.
STAGE 3: REGRET AND TURNING INWARD
Once your ex finally accepts the truth, they’re going to be hit with a massive wave of regret. And when they see that distraction isn’t actually making them happy—it’s just highlighting their sadness—that’s when they’ll turn inward and start isolating themselves from the world.
This is the time that they’ll start thinking deeply about the breakup and about you. They’ll analyze everything that happened in the relationship—and in their life–up to this point. And since they’ll no longer have you around as a scapegoat, they’ll turn their negativity on themselves, taking all the blame for the breakup.
Suddenly all the bad stuff about the relationship—and about you—seems much less significant and all the good stuff seems irreplaceable.
They’ll wonder if they missed their last chance to be happy…if they threw away the one person who really cared about them and loved them for who they were.
This is a BRUTAL process for your ex because they’ll have to face the fact that they made a huge mistake and probably lost you for good. But that fear and loneliness they now feel, that’s going to be vital to getting them back.
Stage 3 is often when your ex is going to go silent. If you do interact, they might seem really withdrawn, even depressed. Don’t misinterpret this as them being over you. It’s more likely that they’ve realized their mistake but they’re still not ready to swallow their pride and come back so they’re just trying to minimize contact and not screw things up further.
STAGE 4: THE EMOTIONAL TUG-OF-WAR
This is where things get messy. Your ex is torn between two possible ideas…two possible futures. And if you remember, this is exactly what they were feeling when they were debating whether to end the relationship. They thought the breakup was going to get them out of this mindset but missing you, and having a lot of extra time to reflect, has only made it worse.
So by now, the relief and the certainty they felt has totally faded and their mind is flooded with doubt and confusion. And this is when their mood starts to swing back and forth.
One day they’re convinced they’ve done the right thing. They feel like they’re on top of the world and they can do anything.
But the following day, they’re hit with the feeling of loneliness and they feel like they have nothing good in their life. They try to push these thoughts out of their mind and have fun but all they can think about is you.
They’re really at war with themselves at this point. They can’t make a decision one way or another because their emotions are just all over the place.
So if your ex is displaying major hot and cold behaviour, then typically they’re in Stage 4. They’ll be really friendly and affectionate one day and then totally disappear the next.
It’s a bad time to reconnect with your ex because they’re quite emotionally fragile. You could say something totally innocuous and it might create a huge conflict because they’ve got such a hair trigger. You might sleep together and then find that they’ve gone totally cold the following day. It’s just a bad time to try to get closer to your ex because of what they’re going through emotionally.
STAGE 5: THE BREAKING POINT
Here’s where everything changes. Without any input from you, your ex’s emotional roller coaster has been running out of control for weeks. They’ve been trying to rebuild their life while obsessing over the breakup and dealing with these impossible feelings and they’re exhausted.
Eventually the back and forth becomes too much and they reach their breaking point. They can no longer keep lying to themselves: their life is worse without you, they made a mistake, and they want you back. They’ve made their decision.
Now this decision is not made lightly. It comes after considerable thought and soul-searching but on some level, they’ve known it was the only choice for weeks. They were just afraid to admit it.
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It takes a lot of courage to come to this conclusion. It’s often easier to just push these feelings aside and brute force your way through life by dating someone new or getting as far away as you can even when it’s not the right choice.
So now that they know what they want, they begin thinking about what they need to do next. How are they going to regain your trust after they broke your heart? Do they really have a chance or have you already moved on? What can they even say to you to fix this?
STAGE 6: THE FIRST MOVE
If you want your ex back, it’s always ideal for them to make the first move. Because it’s not always easy to tell which stage your ex is in, and so you risk reaching out before they’re ready. If you reach out early on, you might get a response. You might even be able to get a conversation going, meet up and have a good time.
But the problem is that you’re interrupting the process that will lead your ex back to you. Unfortunately, they have to come to the realization on their own. So if you come in too early, you might be able to wear them down but they’re not going to stick around for long because they didn’t have a chance to reach that breaking point…that rock bottom.
And that’s actually the BEST case scenario. Because chances are your ex isn’t going to give you a chance to connect with them. They might get angry, block you or just pull away and leave you all alone.
This happens because they perceive your attention as pressure and pressure is going to make them run. To prevent that, you either need to wait to reach out until they’re in stage 6 OR, preferably, just wait for them to make the first move.
Now it’s never guaranteed that your ex is going to take that step but if you wait at least a month without talking to them, you give yourself the best chance.
It’s going to be awkward at first. You won’t know what to say or how to make up for lost time. But pretty soon you’ll fall into that old rhythm and it will feel like it did when you two first met.
STAGE 7: REBUILDING CONNECTION
Now I’m not going to tell you that this process will be easy but I will say that the worst of the breakup is over once you reach stage 7. Now it’s all about building this connection without going overboard and becoming too clingy or aggressive. Now is the time you need to slow your roll and let your ex lead the way.
Remember, at least a part of them DOES want you back and to a large extent it’s really up to you to not screw it up. Do your best to remind them why they fell in love with you in the first place. Avoid drama and tough conversations, and live in the moment.
If you can do this, you will almost certainly get your ex back. As long as you allow them to reach that breaking point, you’re going to end up right where you want to be, back in their arms.
Now you understand the emotional process your ex goes through — and why trying to contact them too early only interrupts that process. The key is patience. Let them reach that breaking point on their own, and they’ll come back to you when they’re truly ready.
And remember this: they always break before they come back.
