You’re the one doing all the work.

You’re reading the books, you’re planning the dates, and you’re the one begging to talk.

Meanwhile, your spouse is totally checked out. They act like a bored roommate who’s just waiting for the lease to run out.

You’re probably asking yourself Why am I even bothering? Doesn’t it take two to make a marriage work?

The answer is no. That is a myth. And honestly, believing that myth is the reason most people give up too early.

It actually only takes one person to stop the momentum of a divorce. It takes one person to change the dynamic.

Let me show you exactly how to save your marriage solo, even if your spouse has completely given up.

Can You Save Your Marriage Alone?

Let me tell you something that might surprise you: The vast majority of the couples I help started out exactly where you are right now.

Rarely do I get two people walking into my program holding hands, both equally committed to fixing things.

Usually, I get one person. One person who is terrified, one person who is desperate, and one person who is willing to do the work. And you know what? That is usually enough.

Let’s address the elephant in the room first. You’ve probably heard the phrase, “It takes two to tango.”

Your friends might even be telling you that right now. “If he’s not trying, just leave him.” “If she won’t go to therapy, it’s over.”

Here is why that is fundamentally wrong.

A marriage isn’t a 50/50 business partnership where you do your half and they do their half. A marriage is a System.

Think of it like a mobile hanging from the ceiling above a crib, or a complex set of gears in a swiss watch. All the pieces are intimately connected.

If you touch one piece of a mobile, the whole thing moves. If you turn one gear in the watch, the other gears have to turn.

They don’t have a choice.

Right now, your marriage system is stuck in a negative feedback loop. You push, they pull away. You criticize, they shut down. You beg, they resent you.

That’s the system you are currently living in. If you sit around waiting for them to change the system, you will be waiting until the divorce papers arrive.

But if you change your input—if you change the way you move—the entire system has to shift in response.

They literally cannot keep reacting the same way if you stop doing the things that trigger that reaction.

So, the first step of saving your marriage alone is accepting this truth: You have way more power than you think you do. You don’t need their permission to save the relationship. You just need a new strategy.

Step 1: The Seesaw Effect

This brings me to the first tactical step, which is identifying and stopping the “Over-Functioning.” I call this the Seesaw Effect.

Imagine you and your spouse are on a playground seesaw. Right now, you are the one doing all the heavy lifting.

You are over-functioning. You are asking about their day, you are managing the emotional climate of the house, you are initiating the serious talks, you are apologizing for things you didn’t even do just to keep the peace.

You are way up high in the air, putting in 150% effort.

Where does that leave your spouse? It leaves them on the ground, doing 0%. And here is the kicker: As long as you are doing 150%, there is literally no room for them to do anything. You have taken up all the oxygen in the room.

Think about it logically. If you are always the one bringing up the relationship, they never have to worry about it. If you are always the one fixing the problems, they never have to face the consequences. In fact, they probably feel suffocated by your effort.

When one partner chases, the other partner runs. It’s the “Pursuer-Distancer” dynamic. You are the Pursuer. You are anxious, you are leaning forward, you are grasping. They are the Distancer. They are avoiding, they are leaning back, they are shutting down.

So, if you want them to lift off the ground, you have to come down.

RELATED: The ONE Question That Will Save Your Marriage

You have to stop over-functioning. This is terrifying, I know. You are thinking, “Brad, if I stop trying, the whole thing will collapse! If I don’t text him, we won’t speak for a week. If I don’t ask her how she is, we’ll live in silence.”

It won’t collapse. It might get quiet for a few days. It might feel distant. But you have to create a vacuum.

You need to stop initiating the “State of the Union” addresses. Stop asking “Are we okay?” every three hours.

Stop trying to force them to read marriage books. Stop sending the long text paragraphs explaining your feelings.

When you step back, you stop being the “fixer” and you start being a partner again. You create space.

And in that space, your spouse finally has the opportunity to miss you, to wonder what you’re thinking, and to realize that you aren’t going to carry this burden forever.

You are effectively handing the ball back to them. You are saying, “I am stepping back. If you want to play, you have to pick up the ball.”

Step 2: Trigger Their Mirror Neurons

Now, while you are stepping back from the “work” of the marriage, you need to step up your emotional tone. This is crucial because “backing off” can easily look like “sulking” if you do it wrong.

We need to use biology to your advantage here. We are going to hijack their Mirror Neurons.

Human beings are wired to mirror the emotions of the people around them. It is an evolutionary survival mechanism.

If you walk into a room and someone is screaming and angry, your heart rate goes up immediately. If you walk into a room and someone is smiling, laughing, and relaxed, your nervous system naturally calms down.

Right now, because you are the only one trying, you are probably stressed, anxious, and maybe a little depressive around your spouse.

You are walking on eggshells. You have that “puppy dog eyes” look, pleading for affection. Every time you walk into the room, you are bringing a storm cloud with you.

When your spouse sees that, their mirror neurons fire, and they feel… guilt. They feel pressure. They feel heaviness. And nobody wants to come home to “heavy.”

So, you have to fake it ‘til you make it. You need to become the Thermostat, not the Thermometer.

Most people in failing marriages act like a thermometer. A thermometer just reflects the temperature in the room. If your spouse is cold, you get sad. If they are angry, you get defensive. If they ignore you, you get anxious. You are constantly reacting to them. You are letting them control your emotional state.

I want you to be the Thermostat. You set the temperature.

When they walk in the door, even if you are scared, even if you are hurting inside, I want you to project warmth and lightness. Smile. Be casual. Shoulders back. Head up. Talk about something interesting that has nothing to do with the marriage.

“Hey, did you see that game last night?” “I just heard the funniest story from my coworker…” “I’m going to head out for a run, catch you later.”

Keep it light. Keep it brief. Be unbothered. When you do this consistently, you confuse them in the best way possible. They are expecting the “heavy” talk. They are expecting the guilt trip.

They are expecting the sad eyes. When they get “warm and breezy” instead, their defenses drop.

Their mirror neurons pick up on your safety, and they start to relax.

You are training them that being around you feels good. You are re-associating your face with positive emotions instead of stress. And ultimately, people stay in marriages that feel good, and they leave marriages that feel bad. It is that simple.

Step 3: The 3 Tests You Will Face

Now, I need to warn you about something. When you start doing this—when you stop chasing and start acting happy and independent—your spouse is going to test you.

This is inevitable. They need to know if this change is real, or if it is just another tactic to manipulate them.

They need to know if you are truly becoming strong, or if you are just pretending. There are three common tests you need to watch out for.

Test Number One is The Provocation.

They might pick a fight over something small, like the dishes or the credit card bill.

They might say something nasty just to get a rise out of you. They are trying to drag you back into the old dynamic because the old dynamic, even though it was toxic, was predictable.

They know how to handle the “Old You.” They don’t know how to handle the “New You.”

Your Strategy: Do not bite the hook. Refuse to escalate. If they try to pick a fight, just say, “I’m not going to argue about this right now,” and walk away calmly.

Test Number Two: The Cold Shoulder.

They might ignore your new positive attitude completely. You might smile and say hello, and they might grunt and walk past you.

They are testing your resolve. They want to see if your happiness depends on their validation.

They are waiting for you to crumble and say, “Why are you ignoring me?”

Your Strategy: Stay the course. If they don’t smile back, that’s fine. You are happy anyway. You are the Thermostat, remember? Your temperature doesn’t change just because theirs did.

Test Number Three: “It’s Too Late”

They might say things like, “Why are you being so nice? It doesn’t matter anymore,” or “You should have done this years ago.”

This is a defense mechanism. They are afraid to hope. Your Strategy: Agree and pivot. Don’t argue. Say, “You’re right, I probably should have. But I’m feeling good today,” and leave it at that.

Do not let them drag you into a “State of the Union” talk about the past.

Passing these tests is what actually shifts the power dynamic. When you don’t crumble, they start to respect you again.

Now… I know what you are thinking. “Brad, being happy and stepping back sounds great, but we have serious issues.

We have resentment. Maybe there is infidelity. Maybe they’ve already moved into the guest room. How do I fix that alone?”

Listen, every marriage is different. The strategy for a bored couple is different from the strategy for a couple dealing with an affair or a midlife crisis.

Step 4: Personal Evolution

Alright, let’s get back to the roadmap. Step Number Four is the most critical component of the solo save. This is your Personal Evolution.

Since you cannot control your spouse, and you cannot force them to change, you have to focus 100% of your energy on the one thing you can control: You.

When a marriage is failing, usually our self-esteem is in the toilet.

We stop working out, we stop seeing friends, we stop having hobbies. We become boring, anxious, clingy versions of ourselves. We become “The Spouse” and nothing else.

If you want your spouse to re-engage, you need to become the person they fell in love with again.

Actually, you need to become a better version of that person.

This is not about “getting revenge” or “making them jealous,” although those are nice side effects. This is about value.

In relationships, we are attracted to high value.

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What is high value? High value is confidence. High value is independence. High value is having a mission in life that isn’t just “keeping my husband happy” or “keeping my wife from leaving.”

If you are sitting on the couch every night asking “Why don’t you love me?”, you are displaying low value behaviors.

If you are going to the gym, learning a new language, advancing your career, and going out with friends, you are displaying high value behaviors.

You need to get a life. Literally. I want you to join a club. Start hiking. Go renew your gym membership.

Update your wardrobe. Call up your friends and go out for dinner without your spouse.

When your spouse sees you evolving, when they see you getting stronger, fitter, and more confident without them, it shakes their reality.

They start thinking: “Wait a minute. I thought she was dependent on me. I thought he was pathetic. But look at them. They are thriving. Other people are noticing them.”

This triggers a primal fear of loss. It triggers curiosity. And curiosity is the seed of attraction.

You are showing them—not telling them, showing them—that you are going to be okay no matter what happens.

And paradoxically, that indifference is exactly what draws them back in. You are becoming a prize to be won, rather than a problem to be solved.

Step 5: The Safe Harbor

Step Number Five is what I call becoming the Safe Harbor. This is critical for when your spouse finally does reach out.

If you follow the first four steps—you stop the pressure, you keep the mood light, you pass the tests, and you focus on yourself—eventually, the dynamic will shift. Your spouse is going to step toward you.

It might be subtle. It might be a text in the middle of the day. It might be them sitting next to you on the couch. It might be a small gesture of kindness, like making you coffee.

When this happens, you must not ambush them. This is where most people blow it.

Do not say: “Oh, finally you’re paying attention to me!” Do not say: “Does this mean we’re okay? Can we talk about the relationship now?” Do not say: “I missed you so much, please don’t leave again.”

If you do that, you punish them for coming close. You overwhelm them. You prove that you are not safe, and they will retreat back into their shell immediately.
Instead, you need to be a Safe Harbor.

If a ship is coming into the harbor during a storm, the harbor doesn’t jump out and grab the ship.

The harbor just sits there. It is calm. It is stable. It is welcoming.

Just accept the connection. If they sit next to you, just smile and keep watching the movie. If they text you, text back something fun and brief. If they make a joke, laugh.
Reinforce the behavior you want. Show them that coming close to you is safe, easy, and rewarding.

You are rebuilding trust brick by brick. You are showing them that the “old” marriage—the one full of fighting, pressure, and anxiety—is dead.

And this “new” dynamic is something they might actually want to be part of.

This is how you bridge the gap. You don’t build a bridge by screaming from the other side of the canyon. You build it by laying one plank at a time, making it safe for them to walk across to you.

I want to be real with you for a second. Saving a marriage alone is hard work. It requires patience of steel. It requires you to put your ego aside and be the leader, even when you feel like falling apart.

There will be days when you want to give up. There will be days when you want to scream at them for being so stubborn.

There will be days when you feel like it isn’t working fast enough.

But let me tell you this: Regret is much heavier than the work.

If you walk away now, you will always wonder “What if?” You will always wonder if you could have turned it around.

But if you commit to this process—if you stop the pressure, focus on your own value, and change the system by changing yourself—you have a massive chance of turning this around.

I have seen husbands who had divorce papers on their desk tear them up because their wives changed the dynamic.

I have seen wives who moved out come back home because their husbands became the men they used to be.

It happens every single day. And it can happen for you. You just have to stop waiting for them to lead, and start leading yourself.