Your avoidant ex’s indifference is covering up a secret: they’re watching you very closely.
While they may seem like they don’t care, chances are they’re secretly testing you.
They’re watching how you handle the breakup. They’re watching what you post. They’re watching what you *don’t* say. They’re watching how much emotional control you have… or don’t have.
And without ever telling you, they’re running you through a battery of invisible psychological tests. Fail even ONE, and they won’t argue with you. They won’t explain themselves. They won’t give you closure. They’ll quietly disappear, probably for good.
And here’s the worst part: most people fail these tests without ever even realising they’re being tested. They lose their exes forever, without ever knowing they could have stopped it.
Avoidants don’t process breakups the way anxious or secure people do. They don’t cry, talk things out, or seek reassurance. They go silent. And that silence tricks you into thinking they’ve moved on. But they haven’t.
Avoidants are terrible at emotional processing. Instead of resolving feelings, they suppress them. They distract themselves. They bury themselves in work, routines, or shallow distractions.
But these unresolved emotions don’t just disappear. The more they try to push you out of their mind, the more they think about you.
And that’s when the tests begin. It all starts with one question: “If I let them back into my life… will it feel safe this time?”
And everything you do from this moment forward is answering that question.
Here are the invisible tests your avoidant ex is using—and how to pass them without losing yourself
But don’t be too hasty because passing the fourth test on this list is actually going to make it harder to get your ex back. So I’ll tell you how to get around this issue so you can keep their interest and their respect.
TEST #1: Can You Give Them Space Without Falling Apart?
Avoidants don’t just like space…. they NEED it. And in most avoidant relationships, this need for space was a huge issue and probably one of the main drivers of the breakup.
You wanted closeness and that made your ex feel smothered. The more you reached for them, the more they pulled away. And over time, resentment built on both sides.
That starts with understanding how avoidance actually works. When you understand what drives an avoidant, you stop taking their need for space personally. It isn’t rejection, it isn’t a lack of care, and it doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving you. Space is how they feel safe, how they feel respected, and how they keep themselves emotionally regulated.
And if you thought they needed a lot of space before the breakup, you need to accept an uncomfortable truth: they need even more now. After a breakup, their nervous system is on high alert, and closeness feels threatening rather than comforting.
That naturally raises a concern. If you give them all this space, aren’t you setting up a situation where their needs are met and yours are ignored?
Well, the more space you give an avoidant, the more comfortable they become. And the more comfortable they feel, the easier it is for them to move toward you.
When their nervous system relaxes, they stop defending their independence and start choosing connection. That’s when they begin closing the gap on their own in ways that excessive communication or clingy behaviour never could.
TEST #2: Do You Have a Life That Doesn’t Depend on Them?
Avoidants are extremely sensitive to emotional dependence. Support is fine. Connection is fine. But when someone needs them to function emotionally, it feels suffocating.
And after a breakup, this sensitivity is amplified. If your entire sense of meaning, future, and identity is tied to whether or not your ex comes back, they’re going to sense it immediately. Not because of what you say, but because of how it leaks out in your energy. It comes through in your tone and how you respond to them. They won’t be able to ignore it.
So what your avoidant ex is asking is this… “If I come back, will I become responsible for their happiness again?”
And if the answer feels like “yes,” their attraction will fade instantly. This is why emotional independence isn’t optional…it’s the main strategy for dealing with an avoidant.
And emotional independence doesn’t necessarily mean pretending you don’t care. It means having a Plan B…an ability to start over and make a life if this doesn’t work out.
Ask yourself this honestly: If your ex vanished tomorrow… if they blocked you everywhere, no explanation, just ghosted you… what would your life look like in six months? Not just emotionally but LOGISTICALLY.
Who would you see? What would you build? What would you pursue? Most people never ask this because it feels like admitting defeat. But when they’re your only option, your ex can feel it and it feels suffocating.
When you begin building a life that moves forward *with or without* them, things change. You stop chasing and hovering… you stop waiting. And ironically, that’s when avoidants start noticing you again. Because your independence makes you feel safe. It shows them that your days of being clingy and obsessive are over. If they choose you…they’ll be able to breathe.
But lifestyle independence alone won’t save you if you fail the next test.
TEST #3: Will You Make Your Feelings Their Problem?
This is where most people lose their avoidant ex forever…they let their grievances rule their actions. Now I understand that you probably have a lot of issues with your ex right now. They’ve hurt you, they may have lied to you, mistreated you and otherwise broken your trust. They broke your heart.
And on top of that, you’re crushed by this breakup. You’re overwhelmed by feelings of depression and despair. I’d never ask you to just forget all that and pretend like it’s not happening.
What I am going to do is tell you not to make these feelings your ex’s problem. Because even if they are one of the main drivers of how you feel… they aren’t willing or able to take them away from you.
It’s up to YOU to feel the feelings, process them, and—in time—pick up the pieces and get yourself together.
RELATED: The Exact Moment Your Ex Realizes They Want You Back
Because I’ve seen the alternative too many times: people who feel sad and so they call up their exes to vent and complain about all their issues. People who get cheated on and spend weeks spewing vitriol about their ex online to anyone who will listen. People who feel abandoned and so they try to cling to their ex so they can prove that feeling wrong. It’s incredibly common, it’s really sad and only cements the breakup further.
Because avoidants are practically allergic to big displays of emotion like this, especially when they come with the expectations that THEY are the ones who have to fix things and make the other person feel okay…they really can’t do it.
They see your tears, your questions and your pleas for attention and they disconnect, shut down and remove themselves from the situation emotionally. This is why venting, emotional monologues, late-night breakdown texts, or repeated “I just need to understand” conversations backfire so badly.
You may feel relief in the moment but it comes with a cost: your ex feels overloaded and USED. And once an avoidant associates you with emotional overload, they begin avoiding YOU, not just the relationship.
Passing this test means processing your emotions elsewhere. So venting to friends, talking to a therapist, journaling, physical activity…these are all great outlets that offer you support in ways that your ex just can’t…not if you want to win them back.
When your avoidant ex sees that you can hold your emotions without making them responsible, they relax. And relaxed, comfortable avoidants are the only avoidants who ever come back.
Which brings us to the final — and most dangerous — test.
TEST #4: Will You Give Them Exactly What They Want? (THE CONTROL PARADOX)
This is the test most people think they should pass. And when they do, it only destroys their chances.
And that’s because of what an avoidant BELIEVES about themselves. Your ex believes what they want is control. Control over pace. Control over closeness. Control over when things start and stop.
So after a breakup, they regain control by pulling away — and you reinforce that control every time you accept crumbs just to stay connected.
But when you give avoidants total control, they freeze up. Because control comes with responsibility. And emotional responsibility is exactly what avoidants don’t want.
If they control everything, then they have to decide where things go…they have to manage your expectations…they have to carry the emotional weight of the relationship. That pressure eventually triggers avoidance again. So your real goal is shared control, not surrender. You want a balanced relationship.
You let them initiate sometimes, but not always. You let them lead, but not indefinitely. You allow space, but you don’t let them ignore your needs.
This balance is extremely difficult. And most people fall into old patterns without realising it. Managing an avoidant dynamic without losing your power is like walking a tightrope. Most people fall off.
That’s how you pass your avoidant ex’s invisible tests. Remember, they’re not going to come out and tell you that they’re testing you in these ways… but they almost always are. It’s just human nature to feel out a situation before diving head into it. So it’s up to you to make them feel comfortable so they have every reason to get closer to you.
