How can I attract my avoidant ex?
What is it that they want from me?
Do they even care about me at all?
It’s no wonder I keep getting these questions. Avoidants are difficult to understand. They keep their feelings locked up tight so no one can access them. Their needs are a mystery and when you inevitably fail to meet them, they’re out the door.
But by studying avoidants for years, I’ve come to some realizations about avoidants. It explains why they’re drawn to intimacy and relationships while acting distant and volatile. And once you understand it, you’ll know what to do to win them back.
This advice is tailored to those who have lost an avoidant and are trying to win them back, but it’s also going to be helpful for people looking to connect with an avoidant for the first time which, as I’m sure I don’t have to tell you, can be just as tricky.
Now, let’s talk about avoidants. To understand what makes them come back, we have to understand what drives them away. Forgive me for getting a little psychological here but it really helps if you have a baseline understanding of avoidance.
Basically, avoidants don’t avoid without a reason. They’re triggered to engage in avoidant behaviour—like running away, stonewalling, blocking and going cold—when they experience negative emotions So they’re not really running away from you. They’re running away from these emotions.
Because of issues between the two of you—like conflict, disconnection and resentment—they now associate you with bad feelings and so they avoid you to avoid being triggered. There’s a lot more to it than just that, but that’s what you need to know right now.
So it’s not only about attracting your avoidant ex but also about preventing any behaviour that will push them away. Here are the principles you need to embrace:
#1. Emotional Independence
So let’s talk about the specific emotions that avoidants are trying to get away from. One of these is the feeling of being trapped, of being forced into certain actions by their romantic partner.
Now this is a fine line to walk. Because avoidants do like to feel needed. They like it when they can help you with something… perform an act of service. We all like to help those we care about, but for avoidants, this is especially validating because they struggle to show their feelings any other way.
So maybe you ask them to change the oil in your car and they’re happy to help you. You both get validation and everything is good. But the problem begins when it becomes an expectation. So you start to expect this to be done every few months and when it’s not, they’ve let you down. So basically, an avoidant doesn’t want to feel like their main role is to take care of you. It makes them feel used.
This means relying on them to pay your rent, give you gifts, do you favours, help you out of jams, whatever.
But more relevant is how this applies to emotional issues. Avoidants struggle to handle difficult emotions, as you know. And so if you place constant emotional expectations on them, they’re going to crack under that pressure.
For example, I had one client who couldn’t get his avoidant ex to even take a phone call. He told me this was especially difficult because he’d been having all these issues with his family and now he had no one to complain and vent to. You see the problem there? When you rely on one person in your life to take all your complaints, then they’re going to end up emotionally drained and want to distance themselves from you.
What you’re doing is essentially relying on this other person to make you feel better. And there is more than one way to do this. So maybe you’d always come home from work in a terrible mood and they’d have to jump through hoops to make you feel better. Maybe you’d get overwhelmed in social situations and they’d have to come to the rescue and look after you. Maybe you’re very insecure about your appearance and you rely on them for constant validation.
Now, this kind of behaviour is normal here and there. I mean what is a relationship for if not to improve our lives? But it becomes problematic when it becomes a pattern. This creates a cycle where your partner—or your ex—starts to feel like they’re more of an emotional babysitter than a partner.
And the way out of this is by establishing emotional independence. You need to find ways to fulfill your own emotional needs internally…ways to be happy without looking to others to solve your problems. A breakup is a great opportunity to flex these muscles. Because not only are you not able to rely on your partner as much, but you also have a lot of big feelings to process.
One of the best ways to achieve this independence is through introspection. So instead of vomiting your feelings to someone else and making it their problem, really sit with them and explore them on your own.
You also need to build better resiliency in your day to day life. I recommend you find the things that trigger difficult emotions and then expose yourself to them in a controlled way. So maybe you hate crowds. Then try going to the mall on a busy day.. Doing this intentionally with a plan and without distractions is going to show you that you can do it on your own.
Developing emotional independence is going to be uncomfortable at first. I mean it’s very nice to have someone around to constantly vent to and take care of your emotional needs. But when you realize that you can be that person for yourself, it’s a huge relief for both you and your partner.
Because if you can do this effectively, you won’t even need to say anything to your ex. It’s going to be apparent the next time they see you. They’re going to feel that you no longer need their attention, their validation, and their help at all times. You won’t need saving and you won’t care so much about their opinion of you.
This new independence will be extremely attractive to any avoidant because it will show them that a relationship with you won’t mean feeling trapped. It will mean freedom.
#2. Empathy
Avoidants can act in ways that make them seem cruel and heartless. And so it’s only natural that those who date them start to resent this treatment and lash out. But this only creates conflict and constant issues.
The thing you need to accept about avoidants is that they see things differently than you do. For them, intimacy and closeness is extremely difficult. They don’t mean to shy away from you or to shut down. They wish they could open up and get close to you, but it’s a huge struggle for them.
This doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it does explain it. So you need to interact with your ex with these things in mind. Don’t walk on egg shells but also don’t shame them for being avoidant. Don’t respond by trying to hurt them or by insulting them.
RELATED: Your Avoidant Ex Is AFRAID Of You
Understand and acknowledge that this is a part of who they are and it’s not going to totally change overnight. Give them grace and accept them.
If you can do this, your ex is going to feel a lot more comfortable talking to you and spending time with you because they won’t feel judged. They’ll know that if they don’t text you for a little while that it won’t be the end of the world, and so they won’t feel the need to avoid you forever, just to prevent a tough conversation.
#3. Coldness and Distance
When I tell people to be a bit cold to their avoidant ex, they call me crazy. But it really does work in a lot of situations and it can help break a cycle that keeps avoidants away. Here’s the way it typically goes down:
You start talking to your avoidant ex. The conversation is going well and you’re spending more and more time texting each other. Then, out of nowhere, they shut down and pull away. Of course, you naturally freak out. You wonder what happened. Did you do something wrong? Did you push them away?
All you want is to close that gap and get them talking again. So you reach out to them more, call them, ask a lot of questions and otherwise just bug them. The less they answer, the more you say and pretty soon you find yourself talking to a blank screen.
And I don’t have to tell you that you’re only pushing them away. So when in doubt, learn to do nothing. Wait, do your own thing and live your own life.
And when they come back, instead of overwhelming them with love and affection, match their energy. Be a little cold, a little aloof. Make them work for your attention rather than the other way around. You’ll be surprised how well it works.
#4. Freedom
Why are so many people with avoidant attachment drawn to people with anxious attachment? Shouldn’t they be turned off by their neediness, their tendency towards drama and their constant bids for attention?
Well I think the reason that we see this pairing so often has to do with what the Anxious person represents to the avoidant. You see, the avoidant often feels trapped in a prison of their own making. They wish they could reach out and touch other people but they’re too afraid.
But the anxious person seems to have no trouble holding close relationships, making connections and being vulnerable. To the avoidant, they seem free.
That freedom is aspirational to the avoidant and so it’s attractive. So you need to embody the best parts of anxious attachment without the anxiety.
So show your ex that you’re out there connecting with people, being open, sharing your feelings, and being extroverted. Your avoidant ex will notice this and be drawn to it like almost nothing else.
Sitting by the phone, waiting for their call is the wrong idea. You need to be out socializing, going on dates and living your best life. Only then will your avoidant ex come knocking at your door, because they’ll see your freedom and want to be a part of it.
#5. Safety
Avoidants, like many of us, are ultimately just hurt people. And because they were hurt, they don’t trust people to fulfill their needs or to be there for them. And so they tend to be pretty inconsistent and distant as a strategy to protect themselves.
So you need to try to be a safe place for your avoidant ex. Be consistent and show up when you’re really needed. Don’t be at their beck and call but make sure that they know that they can count on you when it matters most.
It’s hard to take this step since they’ve probably been pretty inconsistent with you in the past. But this is the only way to break that cycle.
If you can do this, you’ll see them start to open up and be vulnerable with you in ways you never expected. You’ll rebuild the connection from the ground up.
