Avoidants are never very forward with their feelings.
They rarely open up and go deep about how much you mean to them.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they even care about you at all.
And after a breakup, they tend to be even colder, shutting you out from even basic communication. But the truth is that a lot of avoidants still miss you and have feelings for you, even if they don’t show it in the usual ways.
How To Tell Your Avoidant Ex Misses You
The thing about avoidant exes you need to know is that they do have emotions. I know they may seem emotionless at times but that’s just a facade they put up to avoid being hurt.
In reality, avoidants feel things just as strongly as anyone else does. They just avoid exploring or expressing these feelings because of their attachment style.
So don’t think that your relationship meant nothing just because your ex is now giving you the cold shoulder. Don’t even think that they’ve magically turned off their feelings for you. This is just how avoidants work
But for now, let’s talk about signs that your avoidant ex misses you:
Sign #1: They Choose Action Over Words
Your avoidant ex won’t show up in tears, profess their love for you and tell you they want you back, that they can’t live without you…most of the time.
They may feel this way, but conversations like this make them extremely uncomfortable. So they’ll show their feelings through actions rather than words.
So if your avoidant ex brings you a bag of your favourite candy, if they offer to feed your fish when you’re out of town, if they give you a ride home from the bar — know that these are all very strong signs that your avoidant ex misses you and wants you around.
Because avoidants’ actions show how they feel, not their words. I hear so many stories where someone’s partner says that nothing is wrong and that they love them very much, only to dump them out of the blue the next day. And those people almost always turn out to be avoidants taking the path of least resistance.
So look at what your ex DOES, not what they say.
Sign #2: They’re Drawing Closer To You
Again, this is about behaviour vs appearance. Avoidants don’t want you to know how they feel so they obscure their feelings.
But their subconscious will betray them. If they miss you, they will feel drawn to you like a magnet. And they’ll engage in what I call hovering. They’ll get as close as they can to you but always with enough distance that they can get away if there’s any trouble.
So this might be physical closeness—like they’ll show up to places they know you’ll be. They’ll stare at you from across the cafeteria.
They’ll go to the bar you two used to frequent. They’ll just so happen to be at the coffee shop at the same time you are—or it might be emotional closeness—through keeping your connection alive in small and subtle ways.
But again, they won’t ever get as close as you’d like and if you lean into this closeness, they’ll start to pull away. It’s very frustrating but not unfamiliar for someone who has dated an avoidant.
Checking up on you is another form of hovering. Rather than reaching out to you directly, an avoidant ex will often try to get information about you through other means.
This might look like creeping your social media or asking questions of your friends and family. A slightly less avoidant ex may ask you directly how you’re doing or even try to keep in regular contact.
If you’re wondering if your ex is hovering ask yourself this: why are they acting the way they are? Is there another good explanation for their behaviour?
I mean if you just got out of surgery and they ask how you’re feeling or if their house burned down and they need a place to crash, then it’s probably not significant but short of anything serious, any contact from your avoidant ex is a good sign.
Sign #3: Hot And Cold Behaviour
This is something that avoidants do naturally, but it becomes more extreme once you’ve broken up. Your ex is going to pull you close one moment and then push you away the next.
This is what being an avoidant is all about: they reach for that closeness, it scares them, and they run away.
Now that you’ve broken up, they have even more reasons to get close to you: they’re sad and lonely, they feel like they might lose you, and they miss you.
But at the same time, they have even more reasons to stay away: they don’t know how you feel about them, things feel awkward, and communicating with you feels emotionally risky. And that’s not even considering the reason you broke up in the first place.
So don’t be surprised if your avoidant ex reaches out to you one day, acting friendly. They’ll want to see you, to talk to you, to reminisce. They’ll say flattering things and it will seem like the whole breakup never happened.
RELATED: Blocking Your Ex Won’t Make Them Miss You
But then something will happen. When you get comfortable with this intimacy, you’ll start to reciprocate. And that’s when they’ll pull away and go ice cold. It’s like what they said and did just hours or days ago was a total act and you feel like an idiot for letting your guard down.
This is a cycle that can repeat again and again and it’s something that your ex is barely aware of so they’ll probably keep going until they finally move on or until you stop putting up with it.
So if you find your ex running hot and cold and it’s really confusing, this is why.
Sign #4: Fake Indifference
This is something I see all the time in my work as a breakup coach. An ex will pretend like they don’t even care about you. They’ll act like you’re the furthest thing from their mind, and they’ve moved on. But you won’t be convinced. You’ll feel it in your gut that they’re just putting on an act.
Of course, some exes will be genuinely not interested, but since you know this person, you’ll be able to tell the difference.
And this is especially noticeable if they’re still reaching out, telling you how over you they are, and asking leading questions to try to find out what you’ve been up to.
They may very well believe their own story. They could be lying even to themselves. But you shouldn’t take them at their word.
You might be noticing a pattern here. Many avoidants don’t know why they do these things, or even that they’re doing them at all. As a result of their avoidant behaviour towards their own feelings, avoidants have a hard time recognizing the emotions that are driving them.
But their actions will still be predictable as long as you know how to read them. That’s the real secret here. Avoidants choose actions over words and so their actions will betray them every time.
Sign #5: You score over 70 on my free quiz
Based on my dealing with thousands and thousands of clients over the years, I put together a simple quiz that can tell your ex’s feelings for you. It’s designed to give you answers to all your questions about your ex and offer advice that will help you win them back. So take five minutes out of your day to find out the truth.
Sign #6: Sudden Anger
This is a weird one, but I’ve seen it happen many times. Your ex might show their true feelings for you by calling you up to yell at you, call you names, or tell you how you ruined their life. It’s a really nasty way to behave and it feels horrible to be on the receiving end of this, but it often comes from a place of missing you and wanting you back.
Call me crazy, but there’s a reason this actually makes sense. Your ex feels drawn to you but they know that speaking to you will be very emotional and potentially risky. They’re afraid that they might ask you for another chance and be rejected. Or that you might say yes, get back together, only to find that they feel smothered.
So to avoid this risk and still get to speak to you and maybe even see you, they’ll come in hot…they’ll yell and scream at you. Obviously this isn’t going to be super satisfying to them but it will get them a chance to speak to you without the fear of any real emotional intimacy.
Again, they’re not really thinking long term here—or thinking at all, in some cases—they just know that they want to talk to you.
